Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my emotions. I have a lot of emotion about emotions! In order to move ahead, to do the things we have in front of us, it’s important that we are aware of and are clear about our emotions.

 

It seems like as a culture our view about emotions is negative. For me, sometimes I think I’d prefer to be machine-like, able to make objective decisions without considering how I feel about those decisions. Leaders who make big choices with unemotional ease are admired for their ability to separate emotionality from these choices. The words we use around emotions often carry a sense of judgement. We talk about women being “so emotional”, or shake our heads at people who seem “caught up in their emotions” as if they are trapped by them. These days we allow for anger and outrage as legitimate emotions. It’s ok to rage against the government, opposing political parties, people who have different world views than our own. But we feel like we have to hide our sadness, depression, anxiety, fear, and even hope and joy. We fear they might be used as tools against us, because we think they are signs of our weakness.

 

Frustrated and angry…

 

You know, while we admire those take-charge, completely in control leaders who seem to be unaffected by emotion, deep inside I’m suspicious of them too. I don’t trust them, because they don’t seem like me. How can they be if they don’t have emotions when I do? Even though I like to be thought of as bulletproof and unfazed by the thoughts and feelings of those around us, I know I’m not. I’ve taught myself to believe that it’s good to lack emotion. Be objective. Not let my judgment be clouded with feelings. Do you know what I mean? But is it really best this way? Emotions allow connection, and as humans, we are wired for connection with each other. What if trying to remove emotion from my interactions is causing me to become disconnected, both from others and from the life I’m called to live? What if pushing away how I feel is causing me to miss out on my most deep and meaningful connections and experiences?

 

 

I’ve been wondering where this fear of our emotions comes from. I’m sure that there are as many reasons as there are people, but I think that a common thread is the fear that comes with vulnerability. I remember some times when I shared my feelings and thoughts as a kid and getting clear feedback that my thoughts didn’t matter. That hurt. Vulnerability carries the risk of pain, and most people are adverse to experiencing pain. So we learn to protect ourselves from that pain by being selective about sharing ourselves. Then when we do share ourselves, we dull our feelings by not hoping for too much from those we share with. The problem with that approach is this: If we can’t share ourselves fully, how can we experience our joy fully? We will experience the pain of the hard times in our lives, but if we numb ourselves so we don’t hurt too badly, we also are numb to the truly good moments as well.

 

What if we thought about emotions differently? What if emotions aren’t “good” or “bad”, but information? I was just talking to my kids about this one morning earlier this week. Kids are so much better at showing their emotions, aren’t they? They were all snappy at each other and cranky about something. I stopped them mid-Spanish lesson to find out what was going on. When they saw I wasn’t going to let them keep biting at each other, you could see them try to pull themselves back in. Now, self-control is absolutely something I want my kids to grow in, but we needed to go deeper. I asked them to think about what they were feeling and take that feeling as information. What was the feeling telling them? How could they use that information? If the feeling was tired and cranky, they could choose to take a nap later in the afternoon. If they were angry because a sibling disrespected them, they could choose to resolve the conflict instead of letting it fester. I also gave them permission to “take a minute”. If they were feeling something but couldn’t identify it or weren’t ready to make a good choice, they could say, “I need a minute”, and no questions asked, they would be excused to go think and pray about what was in their heart. They seemed relieved and agreed to try this the next time they were feeling something tough.

 

Taking a moment…

 

Now, what would happen if we did this with our emotions? I know I don’t do this all the time! My processing speed (see the computer analogy there) is faster than the kids, but I often act out from hurt or frustration or fatigue. Then I feel that if I were more in control of my emotions, my bad behavior wouldn’t have happened. Then I feel badly for my behavior and flog myself mentally, but that hasn’t helped me work through the emotion. I just heaped more negative feelings on top, like rotten whipped cream on melted ice cream – nothing good there! Here’s what I’m learning about me: I get my feelings hurt easily, because I’m a sensitive and intuitive person. I’m learning to love that part of me, but I still feel myself cringe as I write this, mainly because there’s still a spark of fear that that information will be used against me. In my efforts to protect my sensitive self, I get angry with lightening speed (because that’s an “acceptable” emotion, right?). I also battle anxiety, that sense that I’m going to miss something, or forget something important. As a physician, there is no margin for error that’s considered acceptable. We know physicians are human, but they’d better not make a mistake at work. Then I live with the fear that I think most parents have, which is that I’m going to mess up my children. When it comes to them, I can feel defensive and judgmental, even if it’s only inside and the thoughts don’t come out of my mouth.

 

 

 

So I’m learning to use my emotions as information, as signs that I need to pay attention to something. If I “take a minute”, I’ll realize that I’m hurt my husband didn’t wash the dishes and tell him so, instead of snapping at him about some unrelated annoyance. If I breathe and recognize that I’m exhausted, I’ll remind myself to slow down with the kids and express how I’m feeling worn out. Then they get to exercise compassion for mommy and help me out with what has to be done before bedtime. See that? Me being vulnerable allows others to be tender with me, then we are closer. The alternative is me lashing out in frustration, which causes anyone around that wrath to want to get away from me, severing the connections I really need.

 

Sister connection

 

We are all growing in this awareness that our emotions are to be used instead of ignored. Even pop culture is encouraging this understanding. Did you see the kid’s movie Inside Out? The little characters were different emotions inside a little girl’s head, and she had to learn that they each had a role, even the ones that were hard or unpleasant. We are emotional beings and this is a good thing. We are more whole when we acknowledge and integrate our feelings in our lives. It’s hard, but I’m going to keep reaching for the wholeness of my heart and mind, good and painful emotions included. I may not do it well all the time, and I know I hurt others around me far more than I’d like to, but I’m growing. And that is a very good thing!

 

 

 

How do you think about emotions? What do you do with the information you get from your feelings? Please share in the comments section below…