I cried all the way through Sunday service last week.

 

It was graduation Sunday and the whole service was centered around honoring our graduates. There were songs and announcements and a sermon and all the normal parts of the service, but there was a segment set aside to recognize each graduate. The parents of each graduate had written them a letter with remembrances, advice for the future, and encouragement as they go forth into the next phase of their lives. We do this every year, but this was the first time we did it over a virtual meeting and not in person.

It’s always touching to watch the graduates stand up on stage, smiling with a mix of embarrassment and pride as they hear the letters their parents have written. But as the photos of the grads showed up on the screen, I started thinking about the proms missed, and the graduation ceremonies not held, about my cousin in Virginia who didn’t get to finish playing his spring season of baseball as a senior. I wondered what it must be like for them to be unsure of their fall plans because of the pandemic, instead of excitedly planning for their fall semester in college. I looked around at my babies and wondered, what will graduation be like when they finish high school? Will they get to celebrate with friends and finish their plans and goals? My sense of loss for these kids was profound and deep. It felt like the normal that so often is unappreciated was just not available now, and I mourned for each of them. The tears started coming, very quietly.

 

 

As the service continued, the sermon was given by a young man in our congregation. Honestly, I don’t remember everything he talked about. But he spent some of his time talking about his life before finding God, and how he was like the prodigal son living for pleasure. He shared how that life produced a deep anguish in him, to the point where he became suicidal. His story made me understand a little more how deeply our kids are affected by the world in which we live, even when they seem happy and well. I looked at my children’s faces and wondered, what hurts are happening in those hearts and minds that I don’t know about? I thought about the families who lost their loved ones to gun violence and police brutality lately, how they were without them this Sunday morning as I sat with my family. The tears came faster.

 

As we continued in the last song of the service, the beauty of the music and singing was overwhelming. Instead of singing as I usually do, I sat and listened, allowing the tears to fall. I let the feelings of sadness and overwhelm and mourning and hope in God wash over me. My family watched me with concern, and the kids came over one by one to pat my shoulder or rub my back. When service was over, my husband asked me if I wanted to share what I was feeling. So I did.

 

 

You know, I spend a lot of my energy trying to be happy. I work on the thoughts that I create that cause my discomfort and upset to be sure that I’m thinking deliberately. I believe there is incredible value in being the manager of my mind instead of allowing it to manage me. But a human life is not designed to be one of pure happiness. Trying to live a life where the goal is to be happy is destined to be a life full of disappointments and frustration. The full range of the human experience includes sadness, disappointment, grief, fear, and pain. There are so many emotions that we have available to us, and I want to be able to feel them. You might think that you’d rather have a life without sadness or pain or grief. But truly, if someone dies, do you want to be happy about it? I’m pretty sure you’d want to be able to mourn their passing, to celebrate their life. If they suffered, you may want to feel relief at the end of their pain. We have all the emotions available to us so that we can live the full range of human life. On that Sunday, I needed to be sad, to feel the loss, to allow the pain of the pandemic and its effects to pass through me. I needed to mourn the loss of the lives of Ahmaud Arbery and Brianna Taylor and George Floyd.  I celebrate the graduates and their accomplishments! But I recognize some of the losses that we have experienced during this time and I grieve too.

 

 

So, if you aren’t feeling fully able to celebrate and enjoy life right now, that’s ok. Sometimes sadness is the emotion you choose. You don’t have to stay there, and you can choose thoughts that focus on all the blessings and love and joy and goodness in your wonderful, inspiring, joyful gift of life as a human being on this planet. But if you have other feelings, you can feel those too and know that all emotions are part of your human experience. I know my thoughts on that Sunday caused my feelings, and that I can choose other thoughts to produce different emotions. I don’t choose to produce unnecessary suffering in my life by continuing to choose thoughts that don’t serve me. But it’s ok to feel the feelings, to choose the thoughts, to live this life fully. It’s a piece of the wholeness we are searching for!

 

 

Have you been feeling sadness more than usual lately? How are you navigating the celebration and loss during this time? Please share in the comments below!

And, if you’re feeling more than sadness, if you need help, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or chat at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/

 

And, if you haven’t gotten over to see me on YouTube yet, come see my most recent series on Weight Loss Basics! I can help you lose instead of gain during all this time at home…