It’s here…
This is the time of the year when everything seems to be happening all at once. From October to February, we have Halloween, our anniversary, his birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and all four kid’s birthdays in the 30 days after Christmas. I call this our high season. This year feels even more wild than usual because Thanksgiving was so late into November that Christmas is to follow only a mere 26 days later – that’s a week less than in 2018. Now, I’m generally pretty organized, but somehow this loss of a week has thrown me off and I feel like I’m on a race to the finish. In addition to the normal Christmas shopping, family picture taking, decorating and planning, I’m working on call for Christmas this year and now the plans are even more crucial because I won’t be here to carry them out – they’ve got to be done and ready to work without me. So it’s felt like a little bit of a hustle!
Still, I had a few days off at Thanksgiving and because we made it a joint effort, there was actually some time that I didn’t have as much to do. A mom in our homeschool group posted about a drawing for kids video series on YouTube that kept the girls busy (yay!) and my son was happy to play video games with his dad. There were these small chunks of time that I could have sat down and read a book, or taken a bath, or done some coloring. I even gathered books and had them piled next to the couch. But every time I got ready to sit down, something would come up. A child wanted a snack. The kitchen wasn’t cleaned up. There were socks and sweaters strewn about and I needed to summon the kids back to clean them up. Dinner prep had to be done. A sale on something we needed was happening online and I had to get my order in. The days were so busy that it felt like before I knew it, the end of the day had come, the kids were in bed, and I hadn’t sat down all day.
My lonely coloring book…
I’m tempted to blame this on the phase of life that I’m in right now. I have children who need supervision, a household to run, my paid job to do. But that’s not really the problem. Of course I’m busy – aren’t we all? We all have lots to do in these full lives that we live. Yet, I’m starting to understand that the word “busy” in my mind needs to be a warning sign to me that something is off. Let me explain…
Even with all the to-dos and life to live, there’s always the opportunity to get a moment of space. The reason why we don’t get it is because of how we think. My default mode is to keep moving, always have something to do, to keep a running list of tasks that need finishing so I don’t miss anything. That’s fear thinking right there. It’s real though – things can get missed. Even with all the things I got done this week, I missed one important one. The night before taking Christmas pictures, my youngest came to me 20 minutes before Perry and I were scheduled to meet with our new homeschool teacher and reminded me that her hair wasn’t done. There was no time left to wash, detangle, restyle, have the meeting, and still get her to bed at a reasonable time. Everyone else had their hair done for the pictures except the little one who was waiting on me. Even the guys had gotten haircuts. In that moment, I wanted to spiral down into feeling like a mom failure. I looked down at her sweet little face and gently took off her sleep scarf. A decision had to be made: Was I going to decide that this was a disaster or that the situation could be salvaged?
I decided that I could put a little gel on her edges and we’d be fine. And it was. The feeling I had in the moment I realized I missed doing what I was supposed to do was exactly the feeling I try so hard to avoid. Sometimes, it’s that guilty, bad-mom, shameful, failure feeling is what keeps my feet moving when I’d rather just read a book. Not the best of motivation even if it is effective. Shame as a motivator breeds anxiety, fatigue, and fear.
My problem isn’t the massive amount of stuff to do or the amount of time in the day – it’s the way I think about it and my resistance to feeling the shame and failure feelings. When I’m giving 100% and I’m doing as much as I can, not putting any rest time in my schedule is a mistake. Running myself ragged taking care of everyone else while they enjoy their break from school just leaves me resentful, because deep down I know it doesn’t have to be that way. Who said mom shouldn’t be able to rest and enjoy life too?
When I decide that I don’t ever want to feel shame as a mom, when I am unwilling to make a mistake and feel that emotion of failure, I decide that I have to keep going, not rest, work harder than everyone else so that the hard feelings don’t happen. So my default thinking is that I can’t rest – I don’t have the time. That if I rest, something will go wrong and get missed and it will be my fault. The truth is that usually things work out, even if I do take a break, and even if I run as hard as I can, sometimes something will still get missed. The fear of failing is a terrible motivator, even if it gets a lot done. The feelings of shame and failure are uncomfortable, but they won’t destroy me. I can feel them, acknowledge them, and they go away. The work that is needed to try to avoid them (which isn’t 100% possible) isn’t worth it. Big important things need that kind of vigilance and effort. In this situation, it wasn’t even a big deal. The problem is that our brains get used to this type of thinking, and they make everything a big deal. ]That pattern of thinking isn’t serving anyone. I’m all strung out with worry, my kids don’t get me to be fully with them even though I’m around, and I’m so busy that I miss the moments that are flying by.
I’m reading a book right now called the Power of Now by Eckhard Tolle. He talks constantly about getting your mind out of the past or the future and being fully in the present moment. He says that you can’t be miserable in the Now. I can’t say that I’ve experienced every possible situation that could be painful, but I do know that for me, most of my misery comes from what I think will come in the future, not what is actually happening right this moment. What I make this moment mean in my mind is what makes me worried and unhappy. Try this: When you’re tempted to get all amped up about something that needs to happen, take a deep breath or two and fully exhale. Then notice the feeling of your clothes on your body, the temperature of the air on your skin, the rising and falling of your chest as the air enters and leaves. In this moment, you are well. When I’m unbraiding hair, I can feel the softness of my daughter’s hair in my hands. When I sit in my chair, I can feel the softness of the cushions around me. In this moment, I am well. When I learned that most of the worry and unhappiness in my life was because of how I have taught myself to think, it changed everything. And while I easily fall back into my most practiced though patterns, I now understand that they are optional. I can change my thinking. It takes practice, and every feeling I have isn’t comfortable. But if I am willing to feel uncomfortable feelings and work on my thinking, I can experience and enjoy so much more of my life. For that, the work and discomfort is worth it. And I get to sit down sometimes!
What about you? Do you find yourself racing around in worry? Have you ever felt like you’re at the mercy of your mind? Please share in the comments below!