Well, it’s finished..

 

I took the exam yesterday morning. It was tough, and I’m not sure I passed. Which is really irritating because I spent eight months, four flights, countless hours of studying and thousands of dollars to pass this exam. Actually, irritating isn’t the right word. I’m not sure what is. But I know I didn’t walk out of that test feeling the way I expected I would, and the rest of the day went downhill from there.

When I left the exam, I went straight to the airport, hoping to get on an earlier flight so I could get home for Halloween preparations. If I landed by 3 pm, I’d probably get ahead of most of the horrific Atlanta traffic. But when I went up to the counter, the agent looked at my boarding pass with a sneer and said I had a restricted (read: cheap) ticket, and it couldn’t be changed. So I wandered away to wait for my flight. Still ok, because if my flight left on time I’d land just before 3 pm.

I hadn’t eaten breakfast because we sat for the exam at 730 am, so I figured I’d find something to take on the plane for lunch. After evaluating all the available options, all I found was a cup of strawberries at a coffee shop. I wasn’t shocked, but just a little disappointed that there were no meatless options to eat anywhere. I mean, I could have ordered a salad minus the meat, but I didn’t feel like paying that kind of money for a salad at the airport. Oh well, I figured I’d just wait until I got home for dinner.

 

 

Finally, we boarded my flight and I settled in for the quick trip. As soon as everyone was seated, we were notified that the flight would be delayed due to thunderstorms in Atlanta. We waited at the gate for more than an hour past our original departure time, so we landed in just enough time for me to join the worst of the Friday traffic.

No problem, because the app said I’d get home by six, so I’d miss the Halloween preparations but not the neighborhood party and trick or treating. I inched through traffic and called home on the way to find out the kids would be at the neighborhood clubhouse party when I got there. I pulled up, jumped out, and went looking for my munchkins. The clubhouse was melee with all the neighborhood families and I couldn’t find them anywhere. After fighting through the crowd of costumed children, I gave up and went back to the house.

 

 

That was the straw that broke me. After all those months of preparation and studying and sacrifice and money, to think I might have failed the exam and then miss Halloween despite doing everything I could to get back in time, I just gave up. Right then. I decided to forget dinner, skip Halloween, and lay on the couch and watch TV. I unpacked, took a shower, and laid on the couch until the kids came home. I didn’t give out candy, I didn’t put on my costume, I just sat and watched TV. At 930, I ate a couple of bites of cold leftover veggie burger from the frig and went to bed.

 

Now I know that was the wrong attitude. And I also know that I had the choice to manage my mind better and change how I was feeling about the whole situation. Some of the things that happened were just circumstances: The weather was what it was and the exam was scheduled the day it was scheduled. But most of what went wrong in the day was in my mind. When I left the exam, I didn’t know how it went. At that point, I could have chosen to remember that I do well on most multiple choice test, that I’ve never failed a written board exam, that I felt good about many of my answers, and until I was notified of the results there was no point in worrying. Or I could do what I did, which was focus on the feelings of uncertainty and fear and allow them to rule me. I focused on the possibility that I’d get the letter that I dread, the “We regret to inform you…” letter, and sink deep into the darkness that the feeling of dread inspired in me. I let my mind spiral out of control, and the familiar way of negativity and fear won out.

 

 

So what’s different today? I still don’t have any test results, but even if I had results in my hand that said I failed, what then? The same problem exists: What will I do with how I think about this? Will I let a failure take me out? Will I stop trying and let a test result be proof that I’m a failure? Or will I make a decision to move ahead because there are years of my work, evidence of my abilities, and plenty that I know deep inside that I have to offer? So I’m dumping my thoughts and feelings out so I can work on them to make them work for me, instead of against me. Letting them fester inside results in one of two outcomes: One, I feel worse inside until I’m convinced that I’m the most worthless person I know, and two, I take out my shame on someone nearby. So I get the thoughts out.

What does that look like? It looks like journaling. I also remind myself to take deep breaths, because I always feel better when I breathe. Yoga helps to keep my head and body connected instead of letting my mind run off. And I’ll remind myself of Hosea 12:6, “But you must return to your God; maintain love and justice, and wait for your God always”. And so I will wait.

 

 

How do you cope when things don’t work out? What tools do you use to reel your mind back in when it’s run away from you? Please share in the comments below!