I thought I had this parenting thing going. I mean, I didn’t think I had it all figured out, but I thought I was at least keeping up. How did I end up so behind?
Many years ago when we decided to homeschool the kiddos, we had lots of reasons for doing it, not the least of which was their academic and spiritual educations. But I thought a fringe benefit was that when it came to educating them about their bodies, puberty, sex, growth and maturity, I’d be able to educate as questions arose. I wouldn’t have to answer questions about crazy advanced things they didn’t need to know about yet because they heard about it from a friend with an older sibling at school. And I had no fear. I’m a gynecologist for goodness sake’s, so surely I could handle whatever they threw at me. Right?
Except that my oldest is very reserved and doesn’t ask questions. At least not many. And we need to be alone and in a quiet and peaceful space and the stars and moon have to be aligned in the correct orientation and – well, suffice it to say, she’s not asking much.
So I have to draw her out. One of the ways she likes best to get information is in a book. So I started buying books on growing up and adolescence and puberty and realized fast that there was A LOT of ground to cover. But I didn’t worry at first, because I just had to help the oldest, and we were reading and talking and it seemed to be going well. Then we went to the pediatrician for check ups and she recommended some good books on the subject based on their ages. I realized that I’d needed to catch up the others, including the six year old…
Ever go swimming and think you know exactly where you are in the water and then put your feet down and realize you can’t stand up? Scary, right? It’s no fun to be out of your depth. And right now, that’s how I feel. Why does it seem like every time I think I’ve got a grip on my role as a mom, it changes? I mean, who thought it was a good idea to give me these four humans to raise and educate? Oh, I forgot.
Sometimes I have to talk myself off the ledge, you know? I get wrapped up in what hasn’t been done or what needs to be done and miss what I’m being given to do right now. I can spend a lot of time in the past or future missing the present. My mind wants to fret over why isn’t your book finished yet, or what about that online weight loss course you’re creating that’s not done, and why haven’t you finished helping the kids learn what they need to know about puberty when it’s already here? But that thinking is a waste of time. The time I’m spending worrying is all spent in the past, and it’s doing nothing in the present except mental flagellation. I’m still not making any progress!
And then I woke up this morning, worried and anxious about all the things that are coming up, my mind bouncing around at light speed. I rolled over looking for a hug, but my husband was already downstairs in his office. I wandered into the twin’s room and asked one for a hug because I woke up worried. They both wandered over to me, sat down on the bed and held me. Then it happened: My son asked me if I wanted to pray. And then I saw it. They are growing. They are remembering that we have taught them to go to God with their worries and fears, and they are becoming kind, patient, wise and spiritual people. Together with God, we are helping them to become the people they are meant to be.
The moment I have is this moment now. I can talk to them now. I can read with them now, I can learn and review and plan what I want to teach them and make a plan to share it with them as I work on it now. Of course I can’t do everything at once, but moment by moment we are building a life. I want mine to include my kids in these lessons on life and growth and maturity and mind management, both the ones I’ve already learned and the ones I’m learning now. For this learning on puberty, I’ve got lots of help. I’ve got my books. I know what I want them to know. I’m praying and I know God is moving for them. So piece by piece, we will build – together.
Have you ever felt like you’re not measuring up? How do you remind yourself that you’re right where you need to be? Please share in the comments below!