Ok everybody, take a deep breath. This is a hard one. And I’m not even going to pretend I have this one on straight, because I don’t. We live in a world that tells us that our bodies should look a certain way and if they don’t, we feel ashamed and inferior. I’m no different.
After about 25 years of being overweight, the way I am used to looking at my body is well ingrained. I’ve only been at my current size for 9 years and while I feel better about how I look and feel, I’m realizing that I’m still not very loving to my body. And you don’t have to be overweight to be critical of your body – it could be your color or height or hair or shape or whatever! I know how badly I talk to myself about what I see. “Mmmm. your thighs are too big for those pants.” “You’re getting a muffin top. Are you seeing this? You’d better get it together!” “That dress would look so much better if your arms were thin. You’re gonna have batwings when you get older.” “Scrub harder. Maybe you can make your underarms lighter.” Ouch.
This started a long time ago. I know at age 8 I was pretty sure I was fat. Compared to the Caucasian girls I went to school with, my arms and thighs were bigger and more muscular, and I was shorter than almost everyone. My butt was definitely bigger! The sad part really is, that my view of myself was warped. When I look back at pictures of myself at that age, I was normal. Not heavy at all.
I also remember thinking that my hands were ugly. My fingers were too thick and my nails weren’t feminine enough for me. With playing the violin, piano and then going on the the world of medicine, pretty painted fingernails weren’t part of my life very much. But while I was in residency, my honey took a picture of me grilling some food outside on a drizzly afternoon. The feature that really stood out in that picture to me was my hands holding the grill tools. They looked so strong and beautiful! Why did I think they weren’t? Where did that self-image come from?
Strong hands…
Unfortunately, it only got worse. I remember at one point realizing that the only part of my body that I liked was my feet. I do have pretty feet (at least if they’re pedicured, not ashy, and – sigh…) The criticism is everywhere! There was one time when I was about 14 years old that I complained to my grandmother, who was a straight shooter who didn’t accept any nonsense from anyone. I was telling her how I didn’t like my arms, and she looked at me and said, “They work, don’t they? What’s the matter with them?” It was like a splash of cold water. What was I really complaining about?
My feet
It’s time to change. How? It’s going to have to start within. If I’m talking with so much venom and hatred to myself inside, what comes out of me won’t be as nurturing and kind as I want it to be. I’ve got to start talking to myself differently. I have to be loving myself and this body I live in. At this point though, it’s not natural and thinking about my body with gentle kindness feels forced and unnatural. Well, so is everything new I try at first! So I know what I need to do. How am I practicing it? It’s gonna take a lot of practice, so I need a way to get back on track when I let my routine of self destructive criticism take my thinking off the rails. Here’s what I’ve started doing so far:
I wrote a letter to my body.
Writing my letter to my body
That sounds really strange, right? I know. I felt odd, like I didn’t know what to say. But here’s what I did: I thanked my body for being strong and carrying me through so much, for being dependable and powerful. I wrote down all the things I could remember of all the ways my body has served me well. And I spent some time apologizing, for the times I treated my body poorly and didn’t care for it well, for berating it for not looking the way I wanted, and for abusing it with too much food and not enough sleep. Then I made my body a promise to love and care for it and treat it well. And if I made mistakes, I’d get back to being loving as fast as possible. I wrote it all down, so I could go back and remind myself of my promises and the good my body has done for me. It was a powerful exercise!
I’m practicing new thinking.
This means paying attention to my thoughts and criticisms of my body, stopping mid-thought and reworking the thought to be loving and kind. It’s hard! My negative self critique is an automated, well-oiled machine. So I miss some of the thoughts, but I keep trying. It’s going to take some time and effort to overhaul this thing, but I’m committed. The other thing I’m doing is practicing affirmations. I’m repeating thoughts that are uplifting and confirming about my body. It feels unfamiliar, and sometimes I’m not sure I believe what I’m saying, but I know it’s because I haven’t practiced enough yet. So I’m going to keep going! Here are some of the affirmations I’m using:
I love and accept my body.
I love and nourish my body with the food I eat.
My body is strong, healthy and light.
My body becomes more powerful and beautiful as I grow.
You can write your own! I have to really stop and think to create these affirmations, because I go blank when I try to say something positive about my body. But not for long, because the more I practice, the better I get. And soon, I’ll be seeing the beauty in my body the same way I see so much beauty in the people around me.
How about you? Do you wrestle with loving your body? How are you overcoming your inner self critic? Please share in the comments below!