Hello all! Everyone over their turkey and football coma? Actually, the tryptophan-turkey, sleepiness-after-eating-turkey thing is probably overblown, but it’s a nice excuse to nap away the afternoon on Thanksgiving Day. You’d think that I was going to say something this week about healthy eating, or clean eating, or something that will help you clean up your act after the overindulgences of last week. Well, I’m not. Holidays are for making fun memories, and I don’t think that goes well with a dollop of guilt on top. If you overdid it, next year make a smaller plate and enjoy small plates of leftovers the days after. That is all…
So, what are we talking about this week? What do we desperately need to get into our lives that we often are missing? This week is going to be fun, easy, and no-calorie. We can indulge in this to our hearts delight and not worry that we’ll see it on the scale the next day. This week we are going to meet our need for human touch.
As a society, we are touch-starved. Even if you are in a relationship or have children, we often don’t get touched very much. We pay for nourishing physical touch from our massage therapists or other professionals. Think about it: What’s the best part of a pedicure (unless you’re really ticklish)? The leg and foot rub, of course! I’m certainly not suggesting we don’t get massages and pedicures, but I am suggesting that those activities meet a greater need than relaxation or pampering. As we’ve gotten more “advanced” in our society, we’ve also gotten further apart from each other. We live in bigger houses, drive alone in our cars, eat in front of the TV, and all sleep in our own rooms. I remember thinking it was odd when my oldest daughter (who had her own room at the time), complained that she was “the only one who had to sleep alone”. See, the twins slept in the same room, and mommy and daddy slept in the same room, so she was lonely! I hadn’t thought about it that way…
Did you know that there are actually scientific studies done on the benefits of hugs? (Google it. I’ll wait…) Studies have shown that hugs stimulate the release of a bonding hormone called oxytocin, and that touch helps lower blood pressure, possibly through the release of hormones that decrease stress. Oxytocin release can cause better immune function, lower heart rate and reactivity to stress, reduce inflammation and allow better pain tolerance. I need more of that in my life! Bring on the hugging!
One reason I think we are touch-starved is that we are aware on a deep level that touch is intimate, and we want to be sure that our physical actions don’t send sexual messages unless we mean them. And this is smart! It’s really important that we don’t confuse the need for human touch for the need for sex, and just as important that we don’t send signals for sex when we want human touch. People make this mistake often and try to meet their need for human touch with sex, sometimes casual in nature. Ultimately, this is why this kind of sexual contact doesn’t meet our need in the way we hope – we’re trying to meet our need with a lesser substitute. Now, don’t get me wrong, sex is (or can be) a wonderful, bonding and fun physical contact, and if that’s what you are asking for, then that’s how to get that need met. You just can’t fill the need for touch by substituting sex. And here’s my disclaimer for my younger and/or celibate readers: sex can bring plenty of complications to your life, especially if you are not in a good, safe relationship (and sometimes even if you are!). Open that box and fill that need when you have the support and love around you to do it safely, and only when you are fully ready for all that it brings.
Whether you are having sex or not, meeting the need for human touch is essential. So how do we do it? Seems like things could get awkward if you just run around randomly touching folk, right? And how do we do this without mixing our signals to the people receiving our touch? Well, here are a few guidelines to follow…
One, start with people you are close to. Friends, spouse, kids. You can more easily explain to them that you just want a hug or a snuggle, and they are most likely to understand you.
Two, ask permission. If you are friendly with someone at work and want to give a hug, ask first. “Is it ok if I hug you?” will usually do the trick. Usually they say yes without hesitation. If they hesitate, it’s ok to give them an out. “It’s ok if you’d rather not” with a smile is good. Don’t take it personally if someone says no – some people are uncomfortable with touch, so it may have nothing to do with you. If you are uncomfortable with touch, practice with those mentioned in tip #1.
Three, if you’re going to hug those outside of family and close friends, hug people of your same gender. It cuts down on those mixed messages we talked about earlier. If you are going to hug someone of the opposite gender, you may want to consider whether a full frontal hug will bring up sexual feelings, either for you or the other person. We want to be able to fill this need for touch, but we should be wise while going about it. Touch is intimate, and is supposed to be, so choose carefully who and when you touch someone.
Four, hold hands. Younger kids will still hold your hand, and your spouse might just have forgotten that you used to do this when you were dating! Ask them, and then enjoy the feeling of another hand in yours. Maybe get or give a hand, foot or shoulder massage. It feels good to give and to receive…
Aria still likes to hold mommy’s hand…
Five, cuddle up together. Pile your kids around you on the couch with blankets and read or watch a movie together. Snuggle with your honey. It’s easy to be rushing out the house in the morning and barely given each other a peck on the way out the door. That’s fine for a quick goodbye, but doesn’t do much for building closeness. Spend a few moments – it’ll last you much longer than it takes!
So that brings me to the last thing: How do you get a good hug? The most important thing is to slow down. This isn’t a nice-to-see-you hug. Wrap your arms around the other person and gently hold them close. Then breathe, in and out, at least twice. Usually this gives you and the other person time to slow your heart rates and enjoy the moment. The great thing is, you and the other person both are filled up with this kind of hug. Both giving, both receiving. Everyone smiles!
Alright everyone, ready to go out and get and give some hugs? Ready to fill up that tank with human touch? Go out there this week and hold close some people you love. You’ll feel great!
What are your favorite ways to meet your need for human touch? Share in the comments section below!