Ever feel like you don’t know where things fell apart?
It can be really hard to trace things back to where they started going the wrong direction. Since this week is spring break, I decided to work because so many of my partners needed this week off to be with their kids. So at the same time that so many people are wanting to come in for a doctor visit while they’re on break, there are very few of us in the office to see them. I was the only doctor in the office all day yesterday. I knew it was coming. I knew it would be hectic. I also knew I had my day off the next day, so I figured I’d put my head down, get through it and rest the next day. And – it was crazy. My schedule was fully booked and we had multiple walk-ins and double books throughout the day. But we got through it, I got home and took the kids to church. My husband had a cold and was in the bed, so I figured once I got them home and in the bed I would take a rare break and watch some TV alone. I knew I could sleep a little later in the morning, and even though I know it’s harder for me to get in my meditation and walking and bible reading if I get up late, I decided I would do it anyway.
At 730 when I woke up, only one child was up and eating breakfast. No biggie – they sleep a little later after we’ve been out the night before to church. So I grabbed my laundry out of the dryer and went to meditate and pray since it was still pretty quiet. My plan was to get to all the stuff on my list as soon as I got back downstairs. When I got on the scale and saw the number is still going nowhere, I got frustrated. What am I doing wrong? And that’s where things really fell apart.
Instead of getting on my mat or going for my walk, I went down to find out what the kids were doing. I cleaned out under the sink in their bathroom. I got in a conversation about our family presentation at our homeschool group on Monday with our teacher. I made our bed. I fussed at the kids about the house cleaning they weren’t doing thoroughly. I started cleaning the floors in my room and bathroom. While I was sweeping out the dust bunnies under the bed, I found a stack of worksheets I used when I was losing weight after the last baby. As I was sitting there flipping through the sheets, something became very clear: I don’t eat this way anymore. Even though I thought I was eating very little (and certainly less than I want!), it’s definitely more than I was eating when I was losing weight. Hmmm…
Cleaning as my distraction…
I looked up and it was almost eleven am. Then I got really mad – at myself. I had all these things to do – emails to send, forms to complete, a post to write, groceries to buy – and I still hadn’t done any exercise or bible study. What was happening to my day off? I decided to recoup my losses. I sat down at my computer to get something – anything – done. As I sat in front of the blank screen, I figured it out. I was angry because I thought things should be different than they are. I think that my house should be eternally clean. I think I should be able to stay up late, get up late, and still get everything done that I want to do. I think my six year old should do exactly what I say without getting distracted. I think that I should be able to eat when and what I want even if I’m not hungry and still lose weight. None of these thoughts are based in reality, but I react to them as if they are. I want them to be true, even though they’re not. And because I’m not getting what I think I should, I get angry and frustrated.
So here’s some truth. If I want my house cleaned expertly, I will have to hire someone to do it, because I don’t have the time unless I eliminate something else. My six year old is learning to obey quickly, but she’s still easily distracted. If I want to be highly productive in the mornings, I need to go to bed on time and skip the TV. If I want to lose weight, then I have to eat in a way that causes me to lose weight, even if I want to eat more. None of this is difficult or painful, it’s just the truth. As long as I can be at peace with the truth, I don’t have to be frustrated. The alternative is to keep trying to make what’s not true into the truth – and that’s a form of insanity. And that is painful. I don’t like pain. And while I know that life brings pain sometimes, so much of my pain is self inflicted by my own thinking. But the mind work I’m doing through the works of Marianne Williamson and Byron Katie in addition to prayer, meditation and bible study are helping me to retrain my thoughts. As my thoughts go, so do my emotions and actions. So I’m digging down to capture my thoughts and teach them to be truthful!
How about you? What do you do to get back on track when you’ve fallen off? Do the thoughts in your head that don’t line up with reality cause you pain? Please share in the comments below!