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The Performance Trap

I just got back from vacation. It was a beautiful week in a little house on the beach in a quiet town on the Gulf of Mexico. There wasn’t anything to do except walk out the front steps to the white sandy beach. The kids played in the water and sand all day and we sat nearby, reading or resting. The sun shone everyday, the water was gentle, and we saw fish and birds and dolphins. So why was I feeling this low level of tension, like I was supposed to be DOING something. I kept feeling a pull to write a post, check my email, do some administrative work for the office. There was this nagging feeling, a pit in the area of my heart that kept telling me I was going to pay for this rest time when we returned home. But this was a vacation! We waited, planned, and worked hard before we left for this retreat, so why was I feeling so stirred up inside?

 

birds on the beach

Early morning with the birds

 

So I prayed about it. I got still and listened – should I be doing something? Was it wrong to take a week-long break from my commitments? This blog is new, so maybe it would suffer if I left it for a week. What if someone at work needed something while I was away and I didn’t take care of it? The answer came, very quietly but firmly. No. This is time to rest, be with the family, enjoy these few days together.

 

Playing Othello

Playing Othello

 

So what was that anxiety pit in my stomach about? I call it The Performance Trap. I get caught up in wanting to be so sure that I’m doing everything within my ability to do things right that taking a break seems like I’m being irresponsible. Sitting on the beach reading a book, or coloring an adult coloring book, or taking a nap felt like I was wasting time. I wasn’t accomplishing anything – I wasn’t being productive.

 

Being "unproductive" on the beach

Being “unproductive” on the beach

 

Here’s the problem though – productivity can have diminishing returns. If you work yourself to empty, never refilling your tank and resting, you can do less even though you are giving your all. And we like to be productive, we want to feel we’ve accomplished many things; so much so that it can become a need. We can become attached to the fulfillment we get from completing our tasks, our to-do lists, just getting things done. It’s a hollow fulfillment though, because we have to keep going like the hamster on the wheel to continue feeling good about ourselves.

 

Living in The Performance Trap is like running your car at high RPMs all the time – the engine will eventually burn out. It puts hard wear on you, on your mind and soul. Being able to rest provides balance to the constant need to DO, to make something happen, to accomplish something. Life isn’t just for doing: it’s for living. We spend so much time doing things that we aren’t living our lives in the moment, and before we know it, the moments we’ve missed have become years…

 

Sunset from the porch

Sunset from the porch

 

I can be so rigid, so trapped in my own definition of success that when I stop for a moment to breathe or rest, I feel lost. Uneasy. Unmoored. Maybe it’s just me, but I suspect I’m not alone. Everyone around  me is running at top speed all the time. No time is ever “wasted” because we’re always connected. If we have five minutes between meetings, we check email. We make phone calls while driving. We send a text while we wait for the water to boil. When’s the last time you were waiting for a train or got on an elevator and everyone waiting there wasn’t on their smartphone? It’s as if we are afraid to make eye contact with other people and feel awkward, like walking into the cafeteria in high school. Maybe if we are absorbed in our phones, no one will know how vulnerable we really are. We’re busy, so we’re important, right?

 

Doing too much

Doing too much?

 

So what happened on my vacation? I wish I could say I didn’t feel that uneasy feeling anymore, but it kept coming around. But I fought it, sent it away and reminded myself that rest was my need right then. I left my phone by the bed and didn’t check it often. I didn’t do my work email. I didn’t write a post. I read six novels from the library, colored my mandalas, played in the sand, and read my bible on the beach. We went out for pizza. I asked my husband to do lunches for us and I cooked some dinners (easy ones!). I let the kids watch TV while I went out the the beach alone,  and I let them get their own breakfasts. I did a little homeschool work with the kids and kept some of our regular schedule, but I didn’t fight so hard for it. I did accomplish something: I asked myself what I wanted to do and made sure I gave myself at least some of what I wanted. I actually considered my needs as important as those of my husband and kids. That was a new frontier!

 

dinner

Dinner at the beach house (roasted tilapia, quinoa and kale, salad)

 

What’s the escape from The Performance Trap? Stop. Breathe. Think… Are you doing because that what you always do? Is it time for the thing you are doing or is it time for rest? Are you doing out of fear – fear of running out of time, fear of missing something, fear of making a mistake? If it’s time to work, then get going and get it done! But if it’s time for rest, take your foot off the gas and slow down. Roll to a stop. Refill your tank and nourish your soul. Decide that you will NOT feel guilty for taking care of your self, because you are worthy of it.

 

Sending love to you all…

Parks playing on the beach_1

 

Parks playing on the beach_2

 

Parks playing on the beach_3

The Parks playing on the beach

 


Do you fall into The Performance Trap? How do you get yourself out?  Write in the comments below and tell me about how you care for yourself!

 

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The Enemy of Good

For those of you who don’t struggle with perfectionism, this post may not speak to you. For me, I tend toward wanting to do everything, take advantage of every opportunity, get everything right, not miss out on anything.I’ve seen this abbreviated as FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out). It can drive us to lead very driven, busy “productive” and exhausted lives. My husband says I always have a project! And usually, this works for me – I am happiest when I’m up to something. Sometimes though, driving hard can work against us as we strive for balanced lives. Let me tell you what I’m getting at…

 

head down at laptop

 

Last week I was on call at the hospital, sitting around at the nurses station, when one of the nurses approached me. She joked that my blog made her feel like an underachiever, with all the different things I do in my home. I was a little surprised: the purpose of this blog is inspiration! If you see something here that works for you, take it – I want people to use what I may have figured out for myself if it can help them instead of starting everything from scratch. Anyway, I understood what she was saying. If you don’t garden, cook, exercise, meditate, live green, buy organic and these ways of living are new to you, this blog can be overwhelming. But I was surprised because THIS nurse is an amazing professional, has lost a lot of weight AND kept it off, and is personally inspiring to me. So I figured if her impression of this blog was discouraging, then she’s not the only person who has felt this way reading these posts…

 

So let me manage some expectations. I do not plan to inspire the world to live as I do. Not everyone wants to! But the blog is called A journey to wholeness – just one version, just mine. I’m hoping for those who read it to find something, anything that helps them along in their own journey toward their own best self. I think our tendency toward perfection can get in the way though.

 

very detailed

 

One of my favorite sayings is, “Don’t let perfection be the enemy of good*.” I get caught in that trap often. My father used to tell me, “If you’re not going to do it right, then don’t do it at all.” Good advice – it inspires me to give my best. But sometimes, if a perfect outcome is the only acceptable outcome, then fear of failure steps in and prevents change. Good, needed change. We don’t do the good we could do, because maybe we can’t give it all our energy and time. Perfection as the goal leads to stagnation, because we can’t always do things perfectly, especially when we want to do something new.

 

blueberry bush

One of the blueberry bushes I planted a few years ago

 

My garden is a prime example. I read a book by Barbara Kingsolver called Animal, Vegetable, Miracle. What an amazing book! I wanted to plow up my whole backyard and plant rows of potatoes.  I was so inspired that year I actually did a garden in a raised bed in my backyard. You know what my garden looks like this year? Earth Boxes on my deck – one of tomatoes, one of peppers, one of herbs. That’s what I could manage this year. The raised bed is a disaster (I shake my head when I look at it. I try not to look at it.) But I got some nice peppers and tomatoes and I have fresh herbs to use. And the rest of my produce comes from the store, just like everyone else. Maybe I’ll get back in the raised bed next year. And maybe I won’t. We’ll see what is most pressing when spring planting comes around…

 

overgrown raised bed

My overgrown raised bed

 

Here’s what I’m trying to say. We’re all on our life journey, and we are growing in different areas at different times and in different ways. Don’t let your desire for perfection be the enemy of your good. Don’t let it keep you from seeing your growth, or celebrating someone else’s success. Be gentle and patient with yourself as you grow. When we nurture a plant or a child or a relationship, yelling at it and being critical of the growth it HAS done isn’t helpful, right? We need to be loved and nurtured too, especially in our own minds and hearts. Loving yourself can be some of the biggest heart work you ever do…

 

I can see the skeptical looks on some faces… What’s this hippy-dippy, new age, positive mental attitude, rah-rah cheerleader pep talk about? I get that feeling, because I still have it sometimes. I grew up in Boston, with a Northeastern, take-no-crap, get-em-before-they-get-you, tough attitude. My mom told me when I was young that I was a pessimist, and I believe that I was. But here’s the deal – I don’t like who I am when I think that way. I prefer myself with a kinder, gentler, positive and trusting outlook. It’s not that LIFE isn’t happening to me just like everyone else. But I can choose how I think. My friend Lisa told me, “You are the mother of your mind.” The bible says it too in 2 Corinthians 5b: “…and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” That’s right, I get to select which thoughts I believe and which I reject as untrue. But I have to be paying attention and actively choosing to train my mind. I’m in charge of my thoughts and beliefs, not my mind! I can be trusting or suspicious. Have you noticed that what you anticipate is often confirmed? Neurologically and psychologically speaking, whatever patterns we allow our minds to follow are laid down in pathways in the brain. I’d rather lay down the most positive and beneficial ones. I can choose to believe this is a hard and painful life, or I can choose to believe that this is a good and abundant world, and that everything I need comes when I need it.  I’m happier this way!

 

herb box

My herb box

Life is messy. Let go forward with our projects and plans and self improvements! But let us each remember to be patient with our messy lives and homes, imperfect children, chaotic work-life balance, and overgrown gardens. Most of all, let’s always remember to keep some kindness and patience for ourselves, because we need it too!

 

sweet pepper plant

One of my sweet pepper plants

*This quote is a paraphrase of an Italian proverb by Orlando Pescetti that was popularized by Voltaire.

 

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Learning to love exercise

I have never been a fan of exercise. Well, I am now. Most doctors are! But in a personal and practical way, I haven’t been a good example of physical fitness and exercise. Right now, I’m probably in the best shape I’ve been in most of my life. And  yes, having lost the weight is a big part of my overall health. But wonder of wonders, I’m finding exercise to be useful and sometimes even fun! Let me tell you how I’m doing it…

 

First, the history. As a kid, I wasn’t all that interested in team sports. I played softball for one season – that was enough for me. It wasn’t that anything was wrong with it, I just didn’t find it fun. I didn’t like being hot and sweaty for the sake of a game. Actually, I didn’t really like being hot and sweaty for almost any reason. (I still don’t – being hot just makes me irritable.) In school, physical education class was taught by a Hungarian soccer lover who made us run laps around the track or play soccer all the time, both of which I HATED.  I was coordinated enough to do the activity, it was just miserable for me. Running and being overweight was torture as far as I was concerned. I played tennis for years and enjoyed it, but the anxiety that went along with matches was very stressful.

 

exausted at the track

This is how I felt!

Then came dance. Can you hear the choirs sing as the heavens open up? That was how I felt in dance class! It didn’t matter how hard the choreography was, or how sweaty I was: it was music and beauty and patterns and balance. I loved every minute of it! I had an amazing teacher in high school named Lynn Modell who made me feel that no matter what size I was, my movement was beautiful. I danced in school, at a studio in the city (Boston), in college. I created choreography and our company in college performed some of my work when we had concerts, both at school and on the road. It was part of me…

 

dancer in white dress

 

Then I went to medical school [tires screech]. And all that beauty went away. Maybe that’s part of why the first year of medical school was so hard. I was in a new city, all my friends from college were gone, my boyfriend was in another city, and there was no dance. That was a dark year. Then came residency and 80+ hour work weeks, pregnancies with nausea THE ENTIRE TIME, and preemie babies and no sleep for years. Exercise was on the back burner. I knew it was important for me to exercise though. My whole family has problems with all the usual suspects – hypertension, diabetes, obesity, and coronary artery disease (complete with heart attacks and sudden cardiac death). I needed to get moving!

 

I didn’t use exercise to lose weight though. Actually, I didn’t exercise at all the 6 months it took me to lose the weight. I started exercising years later, after I decided that my spiritual walk needed some firing up. Reading my bible and praying in my closet (which often meant I fell asleep because I was so exhausted) really wasn’t helping me feel connected to God as much as I hoped. So I decided that prayer walks were the answer. But when? I had three small kids, all of whom needed to be in a stroller if they were going with me.  I didn’t have enough time in a day to load all of them up into the triple (!) stroller and go for a reasonable walk. That meant I had to go alone, while another responsible adult was in the house. Also, walking in the evening wasn’t going to work. Remember, I don’t love hot and sweaty, and I live in Georgia now. Also, I’m a morning person and my energy is zapped in the evening. I was going to have to get out early, before the kids were up and the day really got rolling. My husband was generally home early in the mornings, so that was going to be the window. Now all I had to do was get going…

 

walking shoes

My walking shoes

 

I set up my sweatpants and top out the night before. My coat, hat and gloves were set up in the closet and my shoes and a pair of socks were in the shoe rack near the door. I put a safety pin on a spare key so I could pin it to my clothes when I left. I prayed too – this wasn’t going to work if I didn’t get some motivation!

 

Prayer walks were my beginning. It was incredible to be up in the dark, before sunrise to commune with God. I would talk to him and no one was around to think I was the neighborhood crazy lady talking to myself! I used some of the days to run-walk and that helped bring some desperation into the prayers (running is hard, y’all!). Then one of my best friends gave me a yoga video to try at home and I loved it! It wasn’t dancing, but it used my body in similar ways and felt really good. Then a Groupon for yogadownload.com came in my email and I bought a year subscription. Then I could alternate yoga and walking days. I made it my goal to do something everyday, even if it was only 10 or 15 minutes. Then I had done something, even if it wasn’t as much as I wanted. I hadn’t skipped a day and that was something to be proud of. And, if I missed a day, I still had done something most days that week.

 

favorite yoga mat

My favorite yoga mat

 

 

Recently I’ve added short kettle bell routines a few times a week. I bought a couple different bells and use some beginner workout videos on youtube. They’re a challenge, but I can see the changes in my arms already. That part is fun!

 

toned arms workout results

 

The thing about exercise is this: everything is not for everyone. Even if you paid for a gym membership, if you hate the place, you’re not going to go, at least not much. You can gut it out doing something you dislike for a result, but it’s much easier to maintain if you love it, or at least enjoy it. How good can it be for your spirit if you put yourself through an activity you hate indefinitely? Sure, you may learn to love exercise, but you are more likely to get to that point if you start with something you like doing.  Also, don’t try to adopt someone else’s schedule. If you are a morning person, don’t plan to go walking at night. If you can’t get out of bed in the morning to face your day, don’t plan to workout first thing (but first think about getting more sleep!). If you can’t figure out how to go to a gym, find ways to workout at home. Videos, online yoga, weights, walking – what serves you?

 

kettle bells

My kettle bells

 

A benefit I didn’t anticipate was that I feel better in my spirit when I exercise. I had heard about people using exercise for stress relief and as a mental break, but I didn’t know what that felt like. Until recently. There’s so much to the mind-body connection than we give credit for. One thing to consider is this – if your body isn’t cared for and feeling good, your mind isn’t going to be functioning at full capacity either. Some of the most amazing insights have come to me while prayer walking and breathing the fresh air. Being a busy working mom often means I shortcut things that I need. Exercise helps me to feel like I did something good for me, like I’m taking care of myself too. I feel best when I sleep enough, eat cleanly, and get some exercise in!

 

What do you think about the place of exercise in your life? How do you take care of your body and your spirit?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Why I Cook

Cooking is becoming a lost art these days. It seems like the less we cook, the more we love to watch other people cook on TV! We want to eat, but we run out of time in our busy days, so we outsource the cooking to someone, ANYONE else. We order out, buy a pizza, drive through, or grab pre-cooked and pre-packaged food at the grocery store.

 

Today it has become so ordinary to open a box, a bag, or a wrapper that we’re not quite sure how to approach food in its fresh form. We’re intimidated: what do you DO with a head of bok choy, or a whole head of cauliflower? Let’s just ignore the leeks. So even if we buy the ingredients to cook, they sit in the back of the frig until they rot. Meanwhile, we’re still eating out of a bag…

Chinese Takeout Food

But, we connect deeply with the idea of homemade food. We like to watch it on TV and we like the idea of it. We all like the thoughts of big family holidays and all the food that we share (family drama notwithstanding!). And I can hear you saying, “Oh no, not me! I don’t like cooking! Too much time, work, prep – I’d rather just have my food APPEAR!” Close your eyes for a second and think about the smell of fresh baked bread or cinnamon buns, or a simmering pot of soup on a wintry day. Smell the yeasty baking bread, the cinnamon floating in the air, rosemary in the roasting chicken, the garlic and onions in the frying pan… See? You do want home cooked foods! So how do we overcome our time limitations and fear of unprepared foods?

 

I’ve learned to love cooking. But it wasn’t always that way. Even now, I still get frustrated when I am really pressed for time. Here are a few benefits that I didn’t recognize when I first started cooking…

 

1. Pride in a finished product

A recipe doesn’t always come out perfectly, but even when it doesn’t, you made it! I love feeling like I took raw ingredients and made a beautiful soup, or chicken or side dish.

 

2. Nourishing others

It’s a great feeling to set food in front of family or friends and know that you are putting something good in their bellies.

 

3. Compliments

Stay with me – it’s not all about accolades and pats on the back. But it’s a warm, fuzzy feeling when other people like your food creation!

 

4. Knowing your food

This is a big one for me. Because commercial food has SO many different chemicals and additives, I try HARD to avoid as much pre-made food as I can. But if I made it, I know what’s in it. Of course, you need to be vigilant about the source of your food ingredients (but that’s another post!). Then when I serve a dinner, I feel great about what is feeding those I love.

 

5. Tastes better!

I love being able to season my food the way I like: more heat, more spice, less salt. And almost no matter what, if you make it, it tastes better than anything in a package!

 

Enough on the benefits. There are more, but we still haven’t solved the problem of time and what to do with the food! Some friends have been asking me to share some recipes, so I will write a few of my tips and quick recipes below. I’m leaving out some of my favorites, because they are more time intensive. Those are recipes for a lazy Saturday, not a quick week night dinner.

 

Best Tips

1. Prep in advance.

Fresh Food Preparation

If your veggies are cut up (onions, mushrooms, cauliflower) for a stir fry or roasted veggie salad, you can walk in the kitchen and pull out bowls and pans and get to cooking! Otherwise, your prep work takes a big chunk of time. When the groceries come in the house, chop, dice, and repackage for use. Then you won’t avoid the cooking because things aren’t ready for you. If you have to, buy the ingredients pre-chopped. I know, I just said don’t buy prepackaged! And I don’t prefer this option, mainly because you usually can’t get it organic and you pay a huge premium price. But if it gets you cooking…

2. Meal plan

Don’t groan – I hear you complaining! I know, if we had all this time, we wouldn’t be pressed into picking up food on the fly. But I’m just talking about defrosting the chicken the night before, and pouring the marinade over the chicken in the freezer bag before you run out to work. How about taking 15 minutes after dinner or after the kids go to bed to chop veggies for a salad for your lunch or dinner tomorrow? My point is, don’t walk in the house at 6 pm and need to start from scratch – you’ll never make it! YOU get to stack the deck for your success.

3. Use your freezer

Prepping veggies in advance can allow you to cook some and freeze some for next time. Yes, there will be some change in texture, but they’ll still be good. When you cook a soup or casserole, make double and freeze half. Then you have a meal for another day that you can defrost the night before and NOT cook that night.

 

4. Make salads and slaws with hard veggies – kale, cauliflower, cabbage, broccoli. They last several days in the frig!

 

Curry Roasted Garlic Cauliflower-Kale Salad

(My curry roasted garlic cauliflower-kale salad with raisins and wheat berries. It’s my version of a Trader Joe’s prepared salad!)
 
 
And finally, some recipes…

Juicy Roasted Chicken

Juicy Roasted Chicken

*note: You need a cast iron skillet or other oven proof pan and a meat thermometer for this recipe.

You can dress this recipe up and add any herbs or spices you like.

 

Whole chicken, giblets removed from inside

2 tbsp. olive oil

2 tsp salt and 1 tsp pepper (or to taste)

1 tsp each garlic and onion powder (optional)

 

Preheat oven to 450 degrees with skillet in the oven for the heating.

Pat chicken dry with paper towels.

Rub oil over the chicken. Salt and pepper the inside and outside of the chicken and add any other seasonings you like. I like to add fresh rosemary inside and outside!

Place your meat thermometer in the breast meat, not touching the bone.

Put the chicken, breast side up into the pan (it will be very hot, so be careful). Be sure you’ll be able to see the thermometer when the door is closed.

Roast at 450 for 25-30 minutes.

Then turn off the oven and leave the chicken in with the door closed until the meat thermometer reads 65. Then remove it from the oven and wait until the thermometer reads 70. Let the meat rest for at least 10 minutes and then carve it up and serve!

 

Roasted Veggies (cauliflower or broccoli)

Roasted Cauliflower

 

Cut up the head of cauliflower or stalks of broccoli to the size you like to eat.

Remove the core from the cauliflower or woody stalks from the broccoli.

Dump them in a bowl and drizzle olive oil over the vegetable. Salt and pepper to taste. If you’re doing broccoli, sprinkle a 1/2 tsp of sugar over the stalks (brings out the sweetness in the broccoli!).

If you want, add a couple of tablespoons of big chunks of fresh chopped garlic to roast with the veggie.

Roast at 450 for 10-12 minutes or until the edges are browned and you can pass a fork though the stalk.

Enjoy for dinner, and add it to your green salad for lunch the next day!

 

Raw Green Bean Salad

(my easier version of the delicious recipe from Deb Perelman at smittenkitchen.com – I left out the celery because I almost never have any left, but it’s good if you have it!)

 

frozen green beans

1/2 bulb of fennel

1/2 red onion

1/2 cup roasted almonds

1/4 cup red wine vinegar

1/4 cup water

1 1/2 tsp sugar

1 tbsp. kosher salt

juice of one lemon

 

Rinse as many green beans as you need for your meal under warm water until defrosted. Cut the red onion in thin half-moon slices. Mix the sugar, salt water and vinegar and soak the red onions in the brine (30 minutes minimum, but you could do this the night before and that is even better!). Thinly slice the fennel (with a mandolin if you have it) and toss with lemon juice to prevent browning. Put the almonds in a zip top back and smack with the back of a spoon to break them up a little. Arrange the green beans on the plates with the fennel, pickled red onions, and almonds on top. Drizzle with the red onion brine. Yum!

 

Wheat Berries

Wheat Berries

These are a good substitute for rice unless you are gluten free. They are chewy and delicious!

 

1 cup wheat berries, soaked overnight

3 cups water

1 tsp salt

 

Boil water. Add soaked wheat berries and salt. Simmer covered for 30 minutes or until they are chewy (the water should not be gone). Drain the wheat berries and serve. If you make more than you need that day (and you should!), these freeze beautifully to add to salads or use as a side for another meal.

 

These are just a few of my quick recipes to inspire you to get in that kitchen! What are your favorite recipes?

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How I lost my weight

Hi. I’m Andrea Christian Parks, and I’m a homeschooling mom of four, an obstetrician/gynecologist, and a strong believer in natural and organic living. How does all this work together? It’s been a journey, and certainly hasn’t been because I’m so organized or talented. I’m like most women, figuring it out as we go along, changing, evolving as I learn. I have lots of stories of change on this journey,? and I’m hoping that by telling them to you, you’ll find strength as you live your journey in the chaos and busyness of everyday.

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