Category Archives: Mind Management

NOCOMMENTS

Stitch By Stitch

I’m crocheting myself a nap blanket.

In the summer? Well, there’s a story behind this. First of all, I’m not very good at it. I can make straight lines, stripes really, and that’s about it. My mom taught my ages ago how to do the basic stitches for knitting and crocheting, but I didn’t get good at it because I didn’t spend any time practicing. When I was in residency, some of the night labor and delivery nurses would crochet baby hats for the newborns while we were between deliveries. So when I was up at night working L&D, I started crocheting again. When one of the nurses or residents would have their own baby, often someone would make them a baby blanket. I realized that by the time I had a baby I would have left residency, so I figured I’d have to make my own baby blankets.

The kids’ blankets

So I made my first baby a soft, striped blanket. And of course, each baby after that had to have one made too. I chose colors that I thought would fit them, and I used different kinds of yarn and made them unique. After the last baby, I realized that I wanted my own blanket. I’m a big fan of nap time, not just for the kids (although I miss that time of day very much!), but also for me. A nap can save me, even if it’s a short one.

So awhile ago, probably more than a year, I started buying my organic cotton yarn and building my blanket. That cotton is expensive! But I needed something breathable, because sweating through naps is not ok. And I wanted to create something in line with my values, so organic cotton it was. Skein by skein, I collected them with coupons and worked on the blanket.

But it’s not done. And I find that aggravating. Now, I have other blankets around and I don’t have to have this one. Maybe it’s the fact that the blanket is an unfinished project and I feel like a slacker because of it. Or, it might be that the pace of this project is so slow and I want it to move along faster. Whatever it is, it’s a nagging reminder of something I’ve not finished yet, and that bothers me. It seems like I’ll never be done!

Recently I started using the crocheting as a time of meditation. I would read something I wanted to think deeply about, and then take a few minutes crocheting to keep me sitting in the chair. This week I sat down to start a new color on the blanket and found that I needed a new skein of yarn. But when I went to pull the end piece from the center, I couldn’t get it out. I tried each end, but it was not happening. The other end of the yarn was right on the surface, but I have learned from experience that if I start working from that end, eventually as the skein unravels it will tangle. Badly. And then I have to keep stopping work on the project to unravel the yarn. If I take the time in the beginning of the skein to roll it up into a ball, the crocheting goes smoothly until the end of the ball.

So with a sigh I started the ball. It seemed take forever – every time I looked down at the skein it didn’t look any smaller and the ball didn’t seem to be growing. But I kept wrapping and turning the ball until all of a sudden I was finished. I went from thinking that I’d be rolling up this ball for days, to being finished! The blanket is the same. No, it’s not done, but I looked at it and realized that I’m more than halfway there.

My finished yarn ball!

I know I’ve said this before, but I’ve had to learn to appreciate the journey. My default focus is on the destination and completing the goal. But because most of life is spent in the journey, living for the destination leads to a lot of disappointment and dissatisfaction. Even now, I can spend a lot of my energy worrying that I’m not where I want to be yet, or haven’t achieved something I want to do. That just leaves me running and forever behind. That’s not the mindset that sees the beauty and value in this moment. These moments of preparation and planning are as valuable as the destination! I’m learning to look back and see the progress, before I’m at the end. At some point, I will have done the things I’m preparing now. And God will bring another dream or goal for me. So now as I work, stitch by stitch, step by step to the dream, each one builds on the last, until this vision is realized and another is given. I’m learning to take satisfaction in each stitch.

What about you? Have you been able to slow down and see your progress? How are you enjoying this moment now? Please share in the comments below!

1COMMENTS

Inspirations, Mind Management

Baby Steps

I’m ready.

It’s been more than three years since I started dreaming about moving into a career of integrative and holistic health. I know this because I spent part of one day this week reading back through my old journal. It was kind of jarring to read the dates with my writing. It really doesn’t feel like it was that long ago that I was on a prayer walk hearing the Spirit move me in this new direction…

At the same time, come on already! What exactly is the holdup and why aren’t I a social media phenomenon or a TV personality, teaching all about wellness, balance, and the synergy between traditional and alternative medicine? In print, it does seem a little off to think that kind of shift should happen instantly. But in my mind, it makes perfect sense! I can see it, I know what I want it to be, but it’s not here yet. So I’m often impatient and frustrated with myself, which leads to internal criticism and negativity. Not helpful at all.

Nope.

But when you have a vision for something, it doesn’t seem to happen fast enough. Have you ever felt that way? You know what you want and you’re working at building it, but the parts are coming together very slowly, like building a brick wall the old fashioned way: One brick at a time, laying the mortar between by hand. I want an instant skyscraper!

Or, somedays I feel like I’m not moving at all. Do you remember the scene in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off when he convinces Cameron that they could reverse the odometer on the sports car they “borrowed” from his dad by jacking up the car and running it in reverse? I can be so busy running around managing the kids’ stuff, work stuff, and household stuff, that I feel like that car just running and going nowhere.

Here’s some good news though! I learned something important this week. How? This week, I actually took my day off. Usually, I run errands and grocery shop or get into the kids’ day. But my in-laws were in town, and the kids were going out with them on an adventure. So I carried my fold-up chair out to the lake pier in our neighborhood and sat. For almost two hours, I just sat there, listening. When the rain sent me home, I closed the doors to our sunroom and meditated, did yoga and journaled. By the end of the day, I felt clear, centered, and ready.

Ready for what? I don’t know exactly, yet. But that was the question that came during my yoga practice: Are you ready? And while I have no idea what is my next step (do any of us really know that?), I felt a shift in my being that I know is where I need to be for whatever is coming.

I’m getting clear that there is no instant anything, that everything has to be built. But the speed at which the construction happens isn’t the point. It’s building what you’re here to build. How do you figure out what that is though? Here are a few things I’m learning…

When you are meant to create something, it doesn’t always happen on your schedule.

My timing is not necessarily the right timing, as much as I’d like to think it is. Sometimes, certain things have to happen to prepare you for the work you’re here to share. Yes, that sounds all mysterious and woo-woo, but I don’t have to know how it all comes together to know that when it does, it makes sense when you look back. You’ve had that happen. So if you are clear on your path but you feel behind, maybe what you need is to breathe and reflect. You might be surprised at how far you’ve come!

Just because I feel like I’m standing still, it doesn’t mean I am.

Often when I look at where I am, I’m looking from the perspective of where I am to where I want to be. I rarely look back at where I’ve been. So because I’m not where I want to be, I think I’m not making any progress. The truth is that I am moving forward, just one step at a time instead of in great leaps. I need to look back and reflect, to process the changes that have happened, however small. And when I remember to do this, it helps me to appreciate the changes and growth I’ve made. It’s small steps, over and over that add up to big change over time. I don’t have to make a big leap – I just have to keep making the small steps, again and again.

Busy doesn’t mean progress.

Just because I’m running at top speed, cleaning and organizing and checking things off my list, it doesn’t mean that I’m actually going anywhere. I have days where I don’t sit down for more than five minutes at a time all day. You know the days where your legs ache from constant standing and moving? Doesn’t mean I made progress. Some days I feel very accomplished because I checked a bunch of stuff off my list, but actually, I didn’t move any closer to my dream, because I was so busy. I didn’t make any time for it! Getting closer to my dream takes my intention, my time, and my discipline to work at it, even in the midst of the busyness. It might be carving out 15 minutes for yoga in the morning, or ten minutes for a consistent daily meditation practice. Maybe it’s writing a few pages or researching the project you want to complete. So what if you don’t get it all done by next week? A little each day (or week, or month) is what will get you there.

Building a dream takes both creativity and execution.

If you have been given a dream, you have been blessed. It is a gift to have a vision of something beautiful to create and inspire others. And if it’s going to be something wonderful, it needs love and care and nurturing to flourish. It won’t grow without your mind and heart allowing it to expand. But, if you leave it in your mind, it won’t come to life. It’s like a garden that you plant but don’t water and weed. Nothing you plant will survive. In the same way, your dream needs your attention and work. You must put something into your dream for it to become real. It can be a little at a time, but you have to do something.

Where are you in building your dream? It is possible that you haven’t stopped running long enough to even figure out what you are here to do. And I get it, it’s really hard sometimes to make space to breathe, much less dream. But you need to dream. You are here to be and become something unique and beautiful, something no other person can be because they aren’t you.

Or, maybe you have a dream but feel like you haven’t moved even one step closer to it. You’re so focused on the day to day stuff that you haven’t started toward the goal. You need to take those baby steps.

Maybe you’re one of those people who’ve made steps toward your dream. You’ve created, built, worked and dreamed, but you feel like you’ve just not gotten “there” yet. You might be like me, thinking that there’s a destination to get to and everything on the way is just the scenery. But there is value in the scenery. Your life is in the scenery. Enjoy this moment right now. Then breathe, reflect, and enjoy your progress. You’re moving! Then get back to work – we need what you have to offer!

Back at it…

Where are you in building your dream? Have you found it yet? Are you still looking? Or are you taking baby steps closer to the dream? Please share in the comments below!

NOCOMMENTS

Mind Management

The Chaos of Regular Life

What happened to my week? I just don’t understand where the days went…

This week looked like it was going to be easy and light, which is unusual, so I was looking forward to it. I was assigned to jury duty for the first time in more than twenty years as a registered voter. Guess I’ve been lucky. In any case, I had to block my schedule in the office and rearrange my hospital duty so I could be at court, so I figured I might as well make the most of it. I had a list of work to do and the courthouse had wifi, so I brought reading books and notebooks, schedules and my computer. I think I was the only potential juror who walked into the building with two tote bags!

It was a lot of waiting around and lining up walking back and forth to the courtroom. My group was large and our trial was criminal and of an inflammatory nature, so the jury selection took more time than usual. Eventually though, I was dismissed and was free to return to regular life.

The good news was, I had been pretty productive while I was sitting around! With the exception of losing my connection to the outside world when they made us turn our phone off in the courtroom, I worked out the August schedule, made appointments, answered emails, researched projects, and finally ordered my replacement earpieces for my stethoscope. Check, check, and check!

When I got home from court, I found out from my husband that the oldest three kids had been stealing candy from their dad and me and lying about it. There were conversations and confessions, consequences and tears. It hurt me to see my babies practice lying and stealing, but I know they have to develop character. They’re not just born with it! So we keep guiding them along, correcting and teaching. It’s exhausting though!

The next day I was back at the office. I had closed my schedule and wasn’t expected back, so I helped out where I could. But on a day that wasn’t packed with back to back patients, even running errands at lunch, I still didn’t get done and leave the office on time. I slid into the garage at the last minute and then hustled to eat and get ready to get us out the door to midweek church. I think I heard a stopwatch…

Thursday I got up with a list of to-dos a mile long. The Mother’s Day gifts and cards had to be signed by everyone and put in the mail, I had plants to get in the garden, I needed to buy gifts for Nurse’s week and stop at the grocery store, my big girl had her first chiropractic adjustment scheduled, and our neighborhood is having a yard sale this weekend and we missed it last year. There is a lot of stuff that we could sell in this house, and this seemed like the opportunity! I was off this Friday, so it should be perfect timing, right? Not so much.

When I looked up, it was 2 pm and I hadn’t pulled out one thing to sell at the yard sale. I ran downstairs to the storage room and kitchen and saw lots of potential items to sell, but I got overwhelmed thinking about hauling all that stuff upstairs. And, I had no idea how to price any of it! I tried to talk to Perry about it, to see if he could help me pull together a plan, but he was socked into his work. Auntie A was planning to be out later in the evening, so I was out of options. I threw up my hands and took a 45 minute nap before conferencing with my nurse manager on the drive to the chiropractor.

This is my life. I don’t know sometimes whether to laugh or cry. Do you ever feel that way? Life is good, but it’s staggeringly busy and I’m not sure that I can keep up (and keep my sanity!). This normal crazy hectic life sometimes feels like the tilt-a-whirl at the fair- and I just want to get off. I dream of peaceful retreats and sleeping in (what’s that?) and silence. But I know that one day the kids will be gone and I’ll miss the sound and fury of them being around. And at any moment, some tragedy could happen and I’d miss the ordinary everyday annoyances.

Will we get the yard sale done? I don’t know. It’s looking unlikely, so maybe next year. But for now, I am holding onto the moment now and remembering, it’s a good life. Even when it’s not fun or happy or easy, it will pass. There is good in this moment. And this one too. And then I breathe in (and out), and take in the next moment.

What about you? Do you forget to enjoy the moment? How do you slow down? Please share in the comments below!

4COMMENTS

Inspirations, Mind Management

Risk and Relationship

Last weekend, Perry and I took our oldest to her first dance. A middle school dance…

Yes, I remember middle school, that amazingly awkward age where some kids are thought to be the coolest ever and others seem to be destined to be lifelong losers. At least, that’s the way it seemed. And I’ve been nursing this little fantasy that because we’re homeschooling and most of her friends are at church and in smaller groups that we might skip this lovely social experiment and show up on the other side of puberty, mature and unscathed. Yeah, right.

Well, the dance was a combination of kids from different churches, but I knew a bunch of the girls that she knew would be there. And sure enough, when we got out of the car, one of them was arriving with her mom. Ok, good start. They hugged in the parking lot and we headed for the building. As soon as we approached the red “carpet” walkway, a pack of girls from our church swarmed out. The one in the lead ran ahead, hugged the other girl walking with us, pivoted on her heel and headed back inside. And my daughter? She just watched quietly and stood near us. Then the girls circled back around, chatted with each other and the parents standing around, and included my daughter as they walked into the party. After she got inside, one of her closest friends flew out of the crowd, hugged her, and they ran off to the food table.

All’s well that ends well, right? I guess so. I mean, after I put my claws away and held my husband back, it all went fine. Both of us wanted to go bear-mom on those girls! But we both know that she has to learn to navigate those situations on her own, in her own way. And she is, little by little.

Why am I writing about this story this week? I believe that most of us remember those tough social interactions and the cruelty of youth, and I think that we carry them with us. And if we’re not careful, they hold us back from forming relationships. When we learn early on that we aren’t the most popular or interesting or beautiful or smart in the eyes of our peers, it takes some of our confidence. Then we hold back in our conversations, wondering how we are measure up. That beating we take in our youth keeps us from reaching out, from offering ourselves wholly to the people we meet. We are afraid. Afraid we won’t be liked, that who we are isn’t enough, that what we have to give isn’t worth anything.

Sometimes it stops us from reaching out at all. I have been going through some career coaching sessions recently, and part of the teaching has been about building relationship with people though conversation. The concept is that you can reach out and talk to someone who is involved in an area you want to go, and that you can build a relationship with them through that conversation. Anyone. Now, I have to tell you, that thought scares me to pieces. My mind immediately finds all sorts of reasons why that person wouldn’t want to talk to me – they’re too busy, I’m not important enough, they have more interesting things to do. Then, if I did talk to them, I wouldn’t have an intelligent word in my mouth to say. What could I possibly have to offer?

Can you hear the 12 year old me talking? Oh yeah, I remember middle school. Here’s the truth: I’m not in middle school anymore. I’m not 12, and neither are most of the people I’m interacting with. Yes, some people are petty and small, but most are doing the same thing I am – working hard, trying to take care of their families, and doing the best they can. And most of us want to help others and make some sort of impact in the lives of those around us. So if someone asks me for my time and I can give it, I do. So why wouldn’t that be the same when I ask for someone else’s time?

The other truth is this: I have plenty to offer. And so do you. We have ideas and thoughts and hopes and love and gifts to give away. Sometimes others will see your gift and be drawn to you. Other times they will not. The possibility of rejection is what feels so risky. But whether someone else appreciates your beauty isn’t what makes you worthy. Your value comes from what lives inside you, from the unique loveliness that is you. It was there when you were 12, it was there when God created and formed you, even before you’d ever had a thought or spoken a word. Out of 7 billion people on this planet, you are the only one made like you. And so, you are here to give that gift away to the world. You may have buried your gifts and forgotten what makes you precious and beautiful. Some have covered themselves with a thick crust so that they can’t be hurt anymore by the world. But that doesn’t change the light that lives in you – it just needs to be uncovered.

Now, everything ain’t for everybody. You may share your light with someone and it’s not appreciated. That’s ok. It doesn’t mean you’re unworthy – it just means there’s someone else for you to share with. Remember those 7 billion people? Some of them need exactly what you are, what you have to offer. So offer it up! Share your thoughts, write your story, laugh out loud. Call the person you think is too important take your call. They just might want to hear what you have to say!

I like the image of this world of humans and other beings as a beautiful tapestry, each of the threads of our spirits and lives woven together to make a masterpiece. Individually we are too close to get the whole view, but if we could step back the view would be breathtaking. Can you imagine it, the intricacy and majesty? I like to think that even though I can only imagine a fraction of the wonder and glory, the great cloud of witnesses from Hebrews 12 can see it all. And they are cheering us on. So raise your kids, serve your clients, write your book, give your talks, hug your friends, teach, love, and reach out. We need you!

Have you discovered your own beauty yet? How are you offering that gift in the world? Please share in the comments below – you may inspire someone who needs you!

2COMMENTS

Inspirations, Mind Management

Trusting the Process

I am so frustrated.

How did it get to be April already? It seems like I was just recovering from Christmas and all the January birthdays, and all of a sudden I’m making the office schedule for July and frantically looking for summer vacation childcare. Where did the winter go? I feel very behind in everything. Let me explain.

These schedules…

First, I’m not one of those remarkable people who live in the moment. I wish I was. I’m learning to do it more, but it’s just not natural for me. The upside is that I’m a great planner. I think ahead, I rarely miss deadlines, I get a lot done. But I acutely feel the passage of time. It’s uncanny. Without a watch (or cell phone), you can ask me what time it is at any time of day and I can usually tell you within 10 minutes. Keeps me on track. But that clock in my head is the source of a lot of anxiety. The ticking away of time makes me think I’m missing out on something, so even when I’m making progress, I feel like I’m standing still. Or worse, I think I’ve lost an opportunity and won’t get another chance. Of course, that leads to guilt and regret and a cascade of negative thoughts. I’ve got a few recent examples. Want to hear about them? Keep reading…

First, my career plans are not moving along at the speed that I want them to move. I have a great job, no doubt, but I have expanded my medical knowledge into holistic and integrative care that goes beyond what I can do in my traditional physician role. So, I want to start a YouTube channel, write books (I have a few titles already!) and give seminars. Now. I want it all to happen right now. But it’s not. Why? It might have something to do with the fact that I work four days a week as a doctor, am married, have four kids, and am homeschooling. The house has to be managed, the kids need guidance and training, they have to be educated and fed, and I keep having to get up and go to work. Now, I like my work and I enjoy the people I take care of and work with. But I hear this calling to do more. This blog is part of that. It feels like I’m moving forward at what feels like an excruciatingly slow pace. And so I’m frustrated!

(I love this picture!)

Second, I have these four beautiful children that I have been given to raise. They are smart, loving, funny, interesting and all around amazing people (and no, I’m not biased at all). My oldest is now eleven years old. Academically, they are doing extremely well and they are happy and social. And while they’ve participated in activities (ballet, Tae Kwan Do, gymnastics, basketball, piano), none of them have any level of proficiency at any of them. So? Here’s the problem. I expected that by this point, they would have found their “gift” and been building on it. Gaining mastery. But I’m not even sure what their gifts are, so I feel like a failure for not directing them more intentionally, and because the oldest only has seven more years with us. That’s not a lot of time. Do I really want virtuoso kids? Well, not really. That’s a lot of stress and pressure for them. But I did expect that I’d help them find their direction, their passion, God’s dream and purpose for their lives. Maybe that’s not my job as their mom, maybe it’s their job, but my expectations keep getting in the way.

See, my mom was a force of nature. She worked full time, got me and my brother to all kinds of activities and programs, ran the house and was always there to support us. She’s the reason that I can play the violin, tennis, dance, and enjoy public speaking. Even if she didn’t do those things herself, she made me believe I could do anything. That’s what I’m trying to imitate with raising my kids, and it’s tough. I had no idea growing up how hard she worked for us, but I get it now. I want to be as good for my kids as she was for me. I’m not quite sure I’m going to make it…

Me and mom

Third, I want to retire. No, not tomorrow (unless I have a wealthy fairy godmother somewhere), but I am the first to recognize that this particular career in obstetrics and gynecology has a lifespan. You just can’t be up all night delivering babies forever. You also can’t do surgery forever. The body is not designed to do this kind of work indefinitely. I am no exception. And I don’t want to be! I’m looking forward to the magical day when work is optional. The day when I can plan a few months away in France or somewhere, writing and teaching on holistic health while my husband gives bible lessons (his passion) and we can fund our own time away – now that will be a dream come true! But I’ve been working for more than a decade making a good income and I don’t feel like we are as close as I’d like to be to that dream. Have we made progress? Yes, but we’re not exactly on my timeline.

Here’s the good news: I’ve located the problem. It’s me. My thinking is causing me all this angst! One of my deep set philosophies is that time is a commodity, like money. It goes in one direction, and you can’t get it back once it’s gone. You can waste it if you want, but there’s no recovering lost time. And yes, this is true. But, this thinking is stressful! A better way to think about time is when I remind myself that I have all the time I need. Everything won’t get done today, and it’s not supposed to.

The second thought that causes all this ruckus it that I am in charge. Do you know the poem Invictus (I am master of my fate, I am captain of my soul)? Thrilling words, but wrong. Even when I learned the poem for the first time years ago, I knew it wasn’t quite right. God is the Master of my fate and the Captain of my soul, and he has a plan and a timeline for what I’m doing. Just because he hasn’t laid out the plan in a document for my approval does not mean it isn’t perfect AND better than mine. I keep forgetting that. And then when I’m all anxious and worried about what I’ve done or not done, I wonder why.

So what do I do to get my mind in the right place? I’m still praying and meditating, and that’s the most helpful in stilling the worry and noise. I practice being present (you can read more about how to do this in my post Slowing TIme). Recently I’ve also started using a process of inquiry on my thoughts that I’ve been learning about called The Work by Byron Katie. She has written books and has videos on line, and her process of examination of thought is simple but radical. When I worry about something that isn’t happening when I think it should, I ask myself, “Is it true that that thing should be happening right now? Do I really know that to be true?” Usually, almost always, the answer is no. I don’t know that I’m supposed to have my retirement lined up or that my kids should be mastering a talent or that I should be writing a book and running a YouTube channel right now. It may be that those are things that will come, but in this moment, what is actually happening is as it should be. And that brings calm and peace.

Are you living in the moment or rushing ahead to where you think you ought to be? How do you balance your life today and your dreams for the future with peace in your heart? Please share in the comments below!

NOCOMMENTS

Mind Management

Rest or Recreation

I’m back! Last week, my husband and I went to Breckenridge, Colorado for a ski trip. I am exhausted.

What? I just had a week away from work, kids, home and everything that is the normal rat race of life, and I’m still wiped out? Actually, I’m more tired than I was before I left. I’m tempted to blame the jet lag (which is real – I have a terrible time adjusting to traveling back from the west). But that wouldn’t be the truth. It’s not just jet lag. Let me back up and tell you the story.

What a view!

The week before we left, I worked like crazy to get caught up at work and leave the house stocked up for the kids to have what they needed while I was away. We spent the night before packing and I went to bed around 10. But he stayed up until 2 am and accidentally woke me when he finally came to bed. I got up at 445 am to get ready to get to the airport and had to drag him out of bed. Rough start. After almost missing the flight (because we stopped for breakfast), we flew to Denver uneventfully.

Once we rented a car, drove two more hours to Breckenridge, shopped for a few groceries, reserved my ski equipment and got some dinner, we fell asleep at 8 pm and slept for 12 hours. (He said we should stay up later that night to adjust to the time change, but I won that argument). We got up the next morning and headed out to the slopes. The first thing I noticed was that I was short of breath. Why? Because we were 10,000 feet above sea level, and I wasn’t acclimated to the lower oxygen levels. But we went up and down the mountain most of that day and the next. I took two days off from skiing, then went back out one more day before we flew back. We had some great dinners out and spent some restoration time in the hot tubs. On the days I didn’t ski, I walked around town and did a little shopping, and I had a facial and a massage. All good things.

Yep, that’s me…

So why am I so tired? Sure, my body had to work overtime with the time change and altitude, but really, that wasn’t so hard in the week we were away. I didn’t get altitude sickness and I didn’t get up particularly early in the mornings. I didn’t stay up too late either. But here’s what I realized: While I was taking a break from work and normal life, this was an excursion. An experience. A trip full of recreation and activities. It was not rest.

What do I mean? Let me tell you a story. I was standing at the base of the mountain while my husband was getting his snowboard on, and I overheard a man yelling at his son. He and his wife were standing with the boy, who was having trouble getting his skis onto his boots. The father was aggravated because he thought his son wasn’t paying attention and that was why he couldn’t get his skis on. He snapped at the boy, telling him to focus. The child tried again and again to get his skis to connect without success. From where I was standing, it was clear why: he had too much snow under his boots and needed to knock off the snow before his skis would attach. Neither of his parents saw this. So he kept trying, and they waited impatiently. The boy was about four years old.

That interaction bothered me for a long time. You know why? Because I’m sure that I do that to my kids all the time – get frustrated and short tempered at something they are doing when really, they’re trying and there’s something I’m not seeing that could fix the problem. I’m also sure that that couple planned that experience with plans for wholesome family fun. They probably didn’t plan to be on vacation snapping at each other! And maybe they were local and weren’t overtired or over-scheduled. But I bet they were. Every time we go on a trip I notice the same thing – people on vacation are running around as fast as they can, filling up their free time with activities and “fun”. The hotels have flyers for all the excursions and activities available because people are looking for things to do. Make sure you don’t miss anything! Then after the activities are the “happy hours” with incentives to blow off steam and drink to relax. Work hard, play hard – isn’t that the American way?

My husband, getting ready to snowboard down the mountain!

It is. But we are also some of the most activity driven, busy, and un-rested people on the planet. We don’t sleep enough for sure, but we also don’t really understand what rest is. Every waking moment is spent doing something, starting with checking our smartphone as we wake up. We then run from thing to thing, maybe sitting still for a movie or other screen time, then falling into the bed at night (if we didn’t fall asleep on the couch in front of the movie!). We justify this restlessness because we spend so much time working, that when we are away we cram our days full of our recreation so we don’t miss out. But we don’t rest.

What is rest? It’s slowing down enough to know when your body is ready to sleep and then getting up when you feel good getting out of bed in the morning. It’s having nothing scheduled to do all day. It’s sitting and staring up at the clouds. It’s going for a walk, not for exercise, just to be outside and feel the breeze and notice what’s around you. It’s reading a book until you want to do something else. Eating a meal happens because you’re hungry, not because it’s meal time. Does any of this sound familiar? It’s fairly foreign to me too. This just isn’t the pace I keep often enough.

But I want to find rest. Why? It’s not just because I’m tired now. Rest is a time of renewal, a time to stoke the fires of creativity. Rest is when freedom from constant movement and task completion happens. When we run from thing to thing, there’s no space to process and understand our experiences, much less to move forward intentionally. It’s the rest time when we find the meaning in our moments and discover the direction in which we should go. Life without rest feels chaotic and haphazard, too fast to notice the joy and beauty infused throughout our busy days.

And I want to help my kids find rest too. Today’s kids tend to have less rest time than ever, with all the sports and extracurricular activities in addition to the constant race to be top of the class. And they gain a lot by being exposed to the lessons and rigor of education. But they are also overscheduled, and we can help. We can limit their screen time, carve out time for free reading, and kick them outdoors without a plan for their play.

But what about us? My usual day starts with a list of things to do and ends with planning the list for the next day. Coffee is added if I’m overtired (instead of noticing the need for caffeine as a warning sign). The list does not generally include rest. But that needs to change. Even if I can’t block time to be free daily, I need to start finding the spaces where I can, instead of filling up every available opening with something to get done. Everything can’t get done in one day. If I can get that clear in my head, then I can feel good about making space for rest in my life. That will be the difference between racing through this life, and really living it.

Have you found a balance of rest and activity in your life? How do you find space to rest? Please share in the comments below!

NOCOMMENTS

Mind Management

The Stories We Tell

I had the strangest experience with my son the other day.

Let me give you some background. Two summers ago, we took a family vacation to the gulf coast of Florida and rented a beach house for a week. It was exactly what we needed – a huge screened-in porch facing the ocean, bunk beds for the four kids in one room (they wanted to be together!), warm sunshiny days and a deserted beach that we could walk out to right from the porch. We spent nights watching the stars over the ocean, ate our meals outside in the ocean breezes, and sat out in the sand and salty water. It was glorious! The kids had a thrill when they found a baby shark that washed up on the shore. And ever since we left that house, I’ve been asked over and over when we could go back.

The kids and that shark…

That’s why the conversation we had with my son was so odd. We were talking about possible vacation plans for the year when the possibility of returning to the beach house came up. Actually, one of the girls begged for us to go back this summer. Of course, that started the reminiscing. Now, I knew the beach trip was a hit, so although I didn’t say anything, I had already reserved a house for a week later in the year. So I was shocked when my son began a litany of reasons why that vacation was miserable: it was too hot, he didn’t like the feeling of sand in his toes, the beach was boring, the water was too wet, and on and on and on.

Now, I have pictures of this vacation, proof in photographic form that shows the smiles and fun that this boy had while we were on this beach getaway. So I started to gently remind him of the games and the boogie board and the shark, but he was adamant: that vacation was no fun. He was convinced. My husband and I looked at each other with the same question in our eyes: How in the world had he created such a negative memory of such a great family vacation?

He’s convinced…

And then I remembered: this is my son. Yes, genetically, he belongs to both of us, but as far as temperament goes, he’s just like me, glass-half-empty. The eternal pessimist. Always seeing the dangers and pitfalls instead of the celebration. Now I don’t always think that way anymore. But it’s taken years of deliberate effort to unlearn that pattern of thinking. So I recognized it immediately when I heard it coming out of my son’s mouth. And I knew what to do.

See, we write our own stories. We can have a wonderful experience, but no matter how good it is, the flaws in any real life experience are still present. The power is in the recording that we make, the running commentary we tell ourselves during and after the moment. When the event is positive we have a choice: Focus on the good and wonderful, or focus on the flaws and inconveniences. When an experience is hard, we have the same choice to make. There are glimpses of beauty even in the hard and ugly too. They’re just harder to see because of the pain in front. Either way, we will tell ourselves a story. And that story gets recorded in your memory and you relive that memory. I find the hardest time to tell the story well is in the moment. I’m biased, and I’m emotional. Afterwards I can debrief and sort out the details, but in the moment I’m recording the story with such a negative slant. What’s so bad about that if I can rework the story later? Rewriting it later is like climbing out of a very deep hole – when you get back on level ground, you’re just back at the beginning before you can move ahead. And it’s a lot of work. And the worst part is this: I missed the glory in the moment, small or great. Retelling the story later is like watching your kid’s recital through the video screen instead of actually watching the performance. The video is good to have later, but the live event was far better, if you’d really been present. For me, because I spend so much of my life running at 90 miles an hour, I tend to miss the beauty in my life unless I’m intentional about seeing it. And that’s how I want to live. I don’t want to wake up in 20 years and wonder where my life went! So I slow down, I write my grateful list, I look for the glory. And I try to tell the best story I can to myself.

So what did I do with my son? I reminded him of the good in the vacation (of course), but then I hugged him and told him again how much like me he was. I told him he was super smart and powerful, and his brain was an amazing machine. I told him he had the power to tell his story, and that in the telling of his story he could choose to create beauty or misery, both for himself and for those who hear him. He left our time with encouragement to practice making his story full of the good that he sees. Here’s what I know: We all have the power to write our stories, to harness the immense power that we have and use it to create good in the stories we write for ourselves and for others. May we each find the good and share it as we tell our stories!

Have you noticed how you tell your story to yourself? Have you ever wanted to change it? Please share in the comments below!

4COMMENTS

Inspirations, Mind Management

Hearing The Small Voice (and an announcement!)

I started dancing again this week.

Not just bopping around to my playlist, actually dancing. Not that it’s not dancing if you’re moving around to your music, it’s just that I mean something else. See, I was a dancer in my younger years. Let me tell you the story…

When I started high school, I was fortunate enough to attend a public high school that had an incredible arts program that included dance. Up until ninth grade, I had done so many different activities: violin, piano, voice, tennis, ballet, gymnastics. They were great activities, and became fairly proficient in many of them, but I didn’t really want to pursue any of them toward mastery. They just weren’t that magical for me. I signed up for modern dance with an amazing teacher named Lynn Modell, and it was as though the lights came on. I’d been overweight and was experiencing that very common body shame that so many young women feel as they go through puberty. I didn’t like team sports, I didn’t enjoy exercise, and I hated to sweat. But when I was dancing, all of that disappeared.

I added dance classes in the city and kept dancing with Ms Modell. I wanted to keep dancing, so when I went to Hampton University, I auditioned for the Tersichorean Dance Company as a freshman. I don’t remember how many others auditioned, but out of at least 50, four of us were chosen that year. I spent the next four years choreographing and dancing, performing and touring with The Terps. When I left Hampton for medical school, I looked for a place in Durham where I could squeeze in a dance class or two between all the studying, but I couldn’t find anything. That first year at Duke was one of the hardest years of my life. It may have been the closest I’ve ever been to a true clinical depression. I’m pretty sure losing my dancing contributed to how alone and disconnected I felt.

Decades later, I still miss dance. Not that I never move around – my husband and I like to dance together and we have family dance parties with the kids (we’re trying to teach them rhythm!). But that expression, the creativity, the practice of moving in a specific way to music that means something – I still feel a void without it. Well, why don’t I just go take a class? Living in the ‘burbs means there are dance studios, but they are set up to take a semester’s worth of classes on a specific day. When I lived in Boston, I’d buy a card from the studio and take a class whenever I wanted and could. Maybe there are studios in the city here that have that option, but I’m not free enough to get into the city, especially with all the travel time.

So this week, that little voice in me asked to dance again. You know the voice? The one you can hear if you get still and pay careful attention? So instead of yoga or my morning walk, I turned on some music, shut the door, and started moving to the beat. And then a song came on that I’ve been listening to over and over. It’s one of those songs that speaks to me. And something in my creative heart moved. Instead of bopping around, the dance started to become something formed. I could feel my feet and my spine in a way I hadn’t in years. The harmonies in the music and the movement of my muscles started to connect.

And then I had to go to work.

But that’s not the end of the story. It didn’t go away – the need to make something with this music stayed long after I left the dance. I kept thinking about the song and the movement. It was like a seed that had been lying dormant and now finally sprouted. I’m going to choreograph to this song, and I’m going to dance it, if for no one but myself. I need to. Dance was a passion in my life, and you can’t just leave passion behind. You can subdue it, you can ignore it, but it doesn’t just go away. There’s a lot of talk in popular culture these days about finding your passion and making it your vocation. Get paid for what you love doing – what could be better? But what if you aren’t getting paid for it? Monetizing your passion isn’t the only way to live it. Get paid doing what you love if you can, but practicing your passion in your life is a way to feed your soul even if you can’t do it full time. I don’t really want to be a professional dancer, but I need dance in my life. There may be ways to use it beyond my basement great room – but if not, I still will do it. Just for me.

What does the little voice in you want you to do more? Have you been getting still and listening to it? What do you want to do that feeds your soul? Please share in the comment below!

And for those of you who’ve been waiting, Tea Talk: Food As Medicine Part 3 is coming up! We will be getting together on March 10th to talk about Extreme Eating. I’m going to explain some of the most common current eating trends, like Paleo, Ketogenic, cleanses and fasts. Do they work? Are they healthy? Should you try them? Go to this link to reserve your spot and let’s get your questions answered!

NOCOMMENTS

Inspirations, Mind Management

Moving Ahead Without A Plan

I am so tired.

We are nearing the end of the “high season” in our family, the one that starts with family visiting for Halloween, continues through our anniversary, hubby’s birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the kid’s birthdays in the 30 days after Christmas. Friday night we will finish up the twin’s celebration of their ninth birthday with a pizza party. And. I. Am. Done. Not in a bad way, but just in a now-I-can-breathe kind of way. I feel like I could sleep for a week straight through.

But other things beckon. First, work is still there. I’m going to take a vacation in March, but right now it’s a hustle. Then I need to find a date for my next Tea Talk. And I have this nagging voice in my head that says I’m behind because I didn’t get on the New Year launch into the year because I’ve been working on birthdays. I know, I wrote about not making resolutions, and I have been listening. And it’s been good practice and peaceful. But my type A self is a little too loud and I need her to pipe down!

So do I just stay on the treadmill and run until I fall off in exhaustion? Nope. Not a good plan. I do have an alternative, but it’s going to take flexing all my self control muscles and a BIG dose of the Spirit to downshift before the next hill I need to climb. What am I going to do? Here are some of the possibilities…

Rest.

I’m going to sleep and sit around more. Yes, it’s still me! Actually, I’m not very good at being still, so this will take some effort. The constant racing around and checking things off my list has taken a toll on my creativity. I need some time to let my mind wander, to journal, to read novels, and to sleep. I’m going to have to get to bed on time (around 10 pm) and get up early so I can have the quiet house before the munchkins awake! Napping is also back on the schedule. I’ve let the bedtime drift later and my naps have gotten shorter (or eliminated) in the past couple of months. I can feel it too!

Wait.

I’ve been practicing listening to God even more intensely this last few months, and it’s become clear that I’m practicing this to be ready for the next thing that’s coming. Whatever it is. I’ve been playing around with the idea of starting a YouTube channel, writing a book (or two) and I haven’t been sure what I should do first. Maybe I should do something completely different. Early in the morning, before I was really awake, this is what came to me:

“In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.” Proverbs 16:9

That’s the right order, folks. My tendency is to run ahead with my plan and then look back to ask if I’m doing the right thing, usually after I’m spread way too thin and I’m not sure if I can keep it up. That’s not going to work going forward. It doesn’t mean I don’t have ideas or thoughts about where I want to go, but I’m putting it before him and we’ll see what he says. I’ll listen, he’ll direct, and then I’ll get moving.

Self Care.

I’m thinking about a massage. Maybe a spa day? I haven’t done any serious relaxation in a long while. Months for sure. And while I’m committed to being fiscally responsible and family centered, I’m just not as good when my energy and self care stores are sapped. A day retreat away or a massage can cost me between $25-100, depending on how much I want to spare. It’s not much compared to what I’ll get from it and how much more will be able to flow through me to others. I don’t know what I’ll do, but I’m pretty sure some sort of retreat is necessary right about now!

That’s it. Rest, wait, and self care. It’s kind of like putting the garden to sleep in the winter so that it can be ready to produce well in the spring and summer. No producer does well without rest – not plants, animals, and definitely not people. I’m SO looking forward to the rest! And it’ll be exciting to see what grows up from me in the next season.

How do you rest and reset? Do you build rest into the seasons of your life? Please share in the comments below!

NOCOMMENTS

Mind Management

Midlife Crisis

I think I’m having a midlife crisis.

Ok, not really. I mean, I’m not running out to buy a Tesla or planning to quit my job and start a new career in Tahiti selling surfboards or anything. What rational woman with kids does that? Traditionally, men in a midlife crisis tend to make seemingly outrageous decisions. I think women tend more towards becoming overwhelmed, anxious, and depressed. But these days I understand the temptation toward outrageousness. It used to seem completely crazy that someone (I always thought of it as a man), would go out and spend a ridiculous amount of money on a car or build a home movie theater, or quit their job on what seemed like a whim. And here I am, in the middle time of my life and I get it. Time is passing and I’m in the truly adult phase of my life. The kids are growing up fast and there are things that we need to do with them before they go out into their own independent lives. Am I preparing them well? My oldest car just died and we need to buy another, but I don’t want to derail our retirement plan with adding debt, so how much do we spend on a used car? Being a doctor has many good, meaningful moments, but God is giving me visions of doing big, amazing, crazy things with my career that I want to see happen but scare the stuffing out of me at the same time. What would doing that mean for our finances and family life? Should I do the safe thing and stay where I am, or pursue the crazy dream before it’s too late? And what is too late? See, a ticket to Tahiti sounds pretty good right now, right?

When I was growing up, all I wanted was to be an adult. I never liked being a kid. I wanted to make my own decisions and have “freedom”! The adults in my life would tell me to slow down, that there would come a day when I’d have many more responsibilities and I should enjoy the freedom in my young life. I didn’t understand them at all. What could be better than making all your own choices? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to go back – I do like being an adult. My general pattern is to get organized, make a plan, and make something happen. And I enjoy being able to do that! But some days…

Where’s this all coming from? If you read my post from last week, you know that I’m in a place right now where God is asking me to “Listen”. Seems like that would be pretty easy, right? Just stop running around, slow down, sit somewhere and listen. It’s not like I’m being asked to do anything. That’s why it’s so hard, at least for me. I can write my list, organize my day, and get things done. That’s normal. But to slow down? How? Besides, my brain keeps telling me that if I stop moving, something’s not going to get done. And what about the kids, and plans for dinner, all the clothes that are too small that need to be cleared out of the closets, and when are we going to find that new car? Stopping to listen this week has been even harder than I thought it would be. Let me tell you a story from this week.

My husband and I started a new organization plan for our weeks where we’ve blocked out time to plan and talk on certain days. We left Thursday nights open for us to do our own thing, which I thought was great, because I usually post on Fridays and I wouldn’t feel guilty if I spent time alone that night instead of with him. Other free time this week has been gobbled up by the car fiasco and revising the March office schedule, so I was looking forward on Thursday to snuggling up in my robe and slippers and writing my post for the week.

Then Thursday night came and I had to do one of the girls’ hair. It took as long as it usually does, but I started late, so after I shuffled the kids to bed and came back downstairs to get dinner, I realized I didn’t want to eat what was in the fridge and didn’t want to cook anything else. So I sat down for a couple of minutes with him while he finished eating, thinking I’d get a snack and work on my post after the show was over. But when the show finished, he decided he was too tired to go back to the work he planned and came upstairs to tell me about some things that happened that day. I was torn. My head was screaming, “You have to get to work on this post or it’s not going to get done and this is the time you have to do it!” But my calmer self was reminding me that it was a good thing that we are talking more and that I’m glad he wants to spend more time with me. And then I heard it.

“Listen.”

What? I thought I was supposed to be listening to God! But this isn’t God – it’s my husband, so why am I hearing that I should listen now? And then I got it. If I’m practicing listening to God, and I’m having trouble slowing down to do it, it makes a lot of sense that he would give me opportunities outside of the times I set aside to work on that skill. So I sat down and listened to him. And I gave up writing the post that night. And I got a little stronger in my listening ability.

Strong and powerful…

So that’s it. I don’t like the uncertainty of not knowing what to do next, or feeling like the tidal wave of adult life is looming over me. I’m not going to Tahiti (until we get a vacation there), and I’m not buying a Tesla. But I am being prepared. I’m learning to listen, and the reason for the listening is so that He can move all the parts of this busy crazy adult life in the way that will work the best. Then I can ride on the wave. Woohoo!

What do you do when life gets overwhelming? How do you keep the pressures of life from taking you under? Please share in the comments below!

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