Category Archives: Mind Management

3COMMENTS

Finding Silence

Have you ever spent a day in silence?

My designs in the sand

Last week I went away for four and a half days. Alone. Let me tell you how this came about…

I’ve been wanting to go on a girl’s trip for years. My friends and I have been talking about it forever, and I figured that at some point, the kids would be old enough for me to go away a few days and leave them home with daddy. But life happens and we haven’t gotten a trip coordinated. Then in April, my husband let me know that he and his friends from freshman year in college were going away to Arizona for 5 days. And I took note: That’s how it’s done. Quit waiting around for the time to be right and get something scheduled!

My view in the botanical garden

But I knew there was no way that with the work and family lives of me and my friends, it wasn’t likely that we could plan a trip by the end of the year. And I had two vacation days that I had to use before the start of 2019, so I decided I’d better use them. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that what I really needed wasn’t recreation and girl time (although that would be wonderful!), but rest and quiet. Four kids and utter chaos at work this year has made for a very noisy life, so the antidote was some alone time. I looked at the calendar, chose the time I could get, and with Perry’s help found a flight and lodging.

Last Tuesday night the family drove me down to the airport. I checked my bag, got through security and got on the plane. When I told one of my partners from work about my trip, he predicted I would be bored after one day. I laughed and assured him I’d be fine, but I started having second thoughts. What if I wanted to go out to eat? I’d be sitting alone. Maybe I’d get tired of having no one to talk to. What if I ran out of things to do or really did get bored?

I shouldn’t have worried.

South Carolina was cool and sunny most of my days there. I’d packed my yoga mat, a travel chair, two journals, and a coloring book. After stocking up with some soups and prepared foods from the grocery store in the morning, I headed out to the beach. And I sat there, watching the surf. Quietly. And it was wonderful. I had no schedule, no plan, nothing to get back to do.

My second day there I designated as the day of silence. I’d never spent a whole day not speaking before, so I wasn’t sure how it would go, but I was looking forward to spending the time listening to God and quieting my own voice. The first thing I figured out was that I talk to myself a lot. Out loud. Apparently, I keep a running commentary on the things going on around me and give myself little pep talks throughout the day (“It’s ok, you got it. Come on, let’s go!”). Letting that go was the first step. The second hurdle was the challenge of other people. I’m in the South – it’s rude not to speak to people. Perry suggested I write a note to show people explaining I was being silent so they weren’t offended when I didn’t chat with them. But when I got on the shuttle to ride to the beach, the driver thought I was showing his a pass to get on and waved it away. So he didn’t know why I wasn’t talking to him, and I didn’t know what to do. Should I pretend I lost my voice? Is that dishonest or preserving his feelings? That was some extra mental chatter.

The next key to the day was to unplug. If I was going to be silent, then in that spirit I would have no conversations by text, email or otherwise. I put on the do not disturb function on the phone and decided not to engage with the device unless I got an emergency call from home. I sat on the beach and journaled and colored. And then I just sat and watched the waves and the clouds. When I got tired, I went back to the room to rest.

It was an interesting experience, mostly because of what I learning about myself. I had expectations of the day that I didn’t even realize I had until I felt disappointed as the day went on and no lightning-bolt revelation hit me. The speed of the day also was a surprise. By 3 pm, I was shocked to find that the day still had hours of daylight left and I didn’t have anything to do. I’d done all the things I wanted; yoga, meditation, journaling, praying, and I hadn’t rushed through any of them, but there was still time left! At home, it seems like I never get through everything I plan in one day. Before this day of silence, I would have said that I’m not very distractable and that I don’t have much need for TV or social media. At home, I rarely watch TV and I’m not big on checking in on Instagram or Facebook unless it’s for this blog. But the temptation to fill the space with watching TV or getting on social media was strong. It was almost as though my mind wanted something else to entertain it. The TV in the room sat there, ready to be turned on and fill up the quiet.

I took my journal and coloring book out to a picnic table and stayed there until dusk.

Was the day of silence a good thing? I’d say it was a very good thing. Even though I didn’t feel like any radical change happened during the time I was there, when I got home I noticed the effect of the time away. It was easier to be patient and present with the kids. The normal busyness and pace of life seemed to be outside of me instead of inside like it usually does. When I got back to work and the massive hospital transition started the next day (along with all the expected and unexpected associated chaos), I was able to laugh. While my partners were getting heartburn and sleepless nights, I was at peace, even though I was working the hospital overnight the day after the transition. As a type A, perfectionist, driven doctor mommy, I struggle with finding peace and calm in my life, no matter how much I know I need it. This time away, this silence – it brought me a sense of calm I haven’t felt in a long time. So: I plan to make these mini-retreats a regular thing. I may not be able to get away as long, but even if I can block out a day or even a few hours to be still I’m going to do it. The effect is real!

Have you ever spent purposeful time in silence? When is the last time you unplugged? How did you feel? Please share in the comments below!

NOCOMMENTS

Inspirations, Mind Management

Who Are You?

My mom is an artist.

Before she was a wife, a mom, a social worker, or an executive, even before she was a college student, my mom was an artist. Right now in my parent’s home hangs a painting of a mother and infant which you’d swear was professionally done. I’ve always been in awe of the skill and talent in my mom’s hands. Even as the years have gone by and she’s stopped painting and drawing, the way she cooks, lays out a table for a gathering, even the little sketches she adds to greeting cards reveal the artist inside.

Mother and Child by Lesley Christian

Right now I’m away on a solo retreat, trying to get quiet and listen. I didn’t bring much with me other than a journal, my yoga mat, and a chair because I didn’t want to be distracted by things to do, even books I want to read. But I did bring a coloring book – I thought it might help me tune out the chatter in my mind. As I sat on the beach with the book in front of me, trying to select a mandala to color, I realized something: I am not an artist.

No, really. Looking at that blank white page, trying to decide which color to start with before I have an idea of what I want it to look like causes me to freeze. Now, I understand that this is just a simple coloring exercise and I’m not creating a masterpiece, but my perfectionistic tendencies and my desire to know the end result in advance prevent me from enjoying the process of creation as it unfolds. This seems to be a recurring theme in my life…

The dreaded white space…

I got started anyway. And coloring made me think of my mom, even though I don’t think I ever saw her color in a book. I know deep down, whether she ever draws or paints anything again, that she is an artist. That’s just who she is, the person she is inside. Each of us wear multiple labels: mom, wife, boss, coworker, friend, sister. Many times, those labels belong to lots of other people. But none of those people, even though they wear your same label, are you. A friend told me this week that I am a teacher and businesswoman – two titles I hadn’t identified in myself. But it’s not the first time someone has given me a label that felt unfamiliar and true at the same time. Sometimes, labels are reflected to us by others who see us. Sometimes we forget the labels we’ve always worn. I sat coloring and wondering – what labels do I wear? And what difference does it make?

Getting started…

It makes a big difference. The reason I’m here by myself for these few days is to keep moving toward what I’m here to do. There are lots of doctors, plenty of holistic healers, many moms, and other labels I wear. But none of them are me. I read this beautiful quote recently and it made me cry.

It’s what I hope my kids will figure out one day, what dream God has for their lives. It’s how I want to show up in the world, that I am here as the one and only unique me who has something special to offer. Here’s the hold up: God has the whole picture, and I don’t see it all. I get a glimpse of it here and there, and when I can’t see how it’s all coming together, I want to put away my markers and stop coloring. I freeze at the sight of the blank white page.

But there’s good news: it comes together if you keep showing up. When I start filling in the little spaces with color, it becomes clearer what comes next. The next color choice becomes more obvious. The further I go, the more full the picture gets, and the easier it is to keep going.

Coming together…

I’m pretty sure life is the same way. It’s not always clear to me why each facet of my life has been organized the way it has, but none of it is an accident. I’m who I am because I have something to give. And so do you. But each of us gets to do the work to find out what it is, and it becomes clearer and fuller with each step we take forward. Do you know why you’re here? Do you know what you’re here to give the world? If you don’t, it’s ok. But you’re going to have to go looking if you’re going to find out. And don’t be intimidated if you find a blank white page. Just start by asking how to fill it in, and step by step you will find your way.

Now, I am not saying that you have to do something famous or even noticed with your life to be worthy. You don’t have to write a best selling book, speak your message to millions, or serve in public office (you might, but that’s not for me to say!). Your open home might be what helps a lonely friend get thorough the holidays without despair. Your way of caring for those you work with might be what shows other leaders how to build a strong and happy workforce. Your way of engaging with your kids even when you’re exhausted may be what teaches them become giving adults. Your love of cooking and willingness to share it may inspire others to serve. And just as much as your mothering, your painting may inspire your daughter to envision a truer concept of womanhood.

One thing I’m learning: now is the time. It doesn’t really matter your age when you start, because you don’t get to know how much time you have. You may have 20 or 50 or 5 more years. I’m at the age where people I know are dying, people I went to college with, people who worked with me. Most of them would have thought they had many more years to live. So the invincible mindset that says, “I have all the time in the world” is fading away. We just don’t know. So if we have this day, we get to decide how we want to show up in the world. Today.

So who are you? You’re here for a reason. I’m here for a reason. Let’s go find it!

Do you know why you’re here? What are you doing to figure it out? Please comment below and let’s help each other move toward finding our way!

2COMMENTS

Inspirations, Mind Management

Saying Yes

I was sitting here, staring at the computer screen and wondering if I had anything to write about this week. I’ve been up between 430 and 5 every day, driving in horrendous traffic for meetings and hospital work. I got some criticism at work this week which was unpleasant, not to mention anxiety provoking. My kids have been waking up in the mornings without me, and I’ve had to say, “Goodnight, I love you. See you tomorrow night” when I put them to bed. So while I sat here trying to decide if I should post or prop myself in front of some stand-up comedy on Netflix, I realized my babies were sitting in the next room reading quietly.

I got up.

Two were sprawled around the room, each one deep into their latest library book. I rolled up on the nearest one and climbed into the chair with her. She giggled and curled around me – they always want a mommy snuggle! I sat with her for a few and then repeated the snuggle on the other one.

The other two were upstairs playing quietly with each other. So I called them all down for potato chips.

Yep, organic potato chips…

See, they’d asked earlier for potato chips for a snack. This prompted a discussion on whether organic potato chips are actually healthy or cleaner play food. They all agreed that they were play food and left them in the pantry.

I say no a lot.

Sometimes that’s out of necessity. Teaching and training kids to become responsible adults requires quite a bit of “no”. Becoming a productive human who thinks of others requires learning to say no to oneself. To get through med school, residency, fifteen years of marriage and 4 kids has required me to say no to myself. A whole lot.

But tonight, I wanted to practice saying yes. Giving the snuggles the kids wanted was a yes. A few potato chips for snack was saying yes. Reading The Trumpet Of The Swan as requested at bedtime – a big yes!

Remember this one?

My biggest yes is coming up next week. A few months ago, I planned to take a few days from work to have a solo retreat. I’ve never done that before. I thought about trying to plan a girl’s trip, or doing a short getaway with my honey, but I realized that what I really needed was some space. An opportunity to be still. Time to be silent.

I told one of my partners at work about my retreat and he told me I’d be bored after one day. I might! But I’m going, and I’m going to spend as much time as I can meditating, resting, and listening to God. I’m taking my yoga mat and a journal or two. I’m tempted to plan to catch up on the things that have been on hold because of work or family or life, but I’m fighting it. I’m also conflicted about taking my work phone along. I know I should leave it, but what if someone needs me?

The work phone. Take it or leave it?

Saying yes can be hard. Sounds strange, right? Isn’t it easy to say yes to what you want? It’s not when your default is no. As a mommy, we can feel very selfish about saying yes to things we want and need. Other people’s needs seem to be more important. There’s a lot written in recent years about learning to say no, setting boundaries and honoring your priorities. And it’s true that saying no to one thing is a yes to something else. For me, I want to intentional about what I say yes to, instead of reflexively saying no. Yes to what’s really important, like snuggling the kids. Yes to eating foods that fuel your body. Yes to sleep because you need it. Yes to time alone to rest, retreat, and recharge.

My newest yoga mat

Yes comes from a position of acceptance, of invitation. It requires an openness, a willingness to receive. My criticism at work this week was hard to hear, but I’m saying yes to it because I can see how it can help me grow. I might get a little less done by reading to the kids at bedtime, but we’ve gained a sweet memory. Going away next week may mean I’ll have to hustle at work when I get back, but I will be better everywhere I am when I return.

So I’m going. Maybe I’ll be bored and miss the busyness at home. It might be hard to spend so much time away. But I think it’s going to be a special time. As much as I love my life, this retreat is time I need to expand and grow, to be the best mom, wife, doctor, healer, and lover of God that I can be. I’m going to make the most of it!

Is it harder for you to say yes or to say no? When’s the last time you said yes to you? Please share in the comments below!

2COMMENTS

Mind Management

Being Present

I missed you last week! I had a good reason for being absent though…

Our family took our summer vacation. Yes, it’s late, but officially it’s still summer for a few more days, so it counts! The kids had been after us to go back to a beach house in Florida we rented a couple of years ago, so we packed up and headed back down to the Gulf of Mexico.

It’s funny though. I knew I needed to slow down or the week would fly by. So before I left, I selected an intention tattoo to remind me to “Be Present”. Even after all the packing and driving and unpacking and even getting my feet into the powdery white sand, I still felt like I was “on”. Seems strange, but even after putting the out of office message on the work email, and hiding my work phone deep in my suitcase on silent, my mind kept scanning for things to be done. Some were work related and worries about missing something important while I was out, but I also was focused on all the things the kids needed. It was as if I switched the doctor job over for the mom job and couldn’t downshift. No rest, at least not in my mind. Which wasn’t really necessary, since I had a perfectly good husband there to share the work.

So I spent a lot of time trying to find moments to be alone, which is a challenge with four kids who don’t sleep in yet and like to eat all day long. Between feeding them, watching them in the water so no one drowned, and having the five year old attached to me like a barnacle, there weren’t too many free moments. And I griped about it, mostly in my own head (but sometimes out loud a little).

But then I had a rare early morning alone on the beach. While writing in my journal and watching the waves, I realized something: there were many moments of beauty happening all around me, they were just different than I thought they should have been. I was looking for rest and quiet and solitude – but that wasn’t for all of this time. Instead of deep meditative revelation and restoration, it was a different kind of loveliness: the memory making, laughter filled, splashy sandy bear-hug kind of wonderful. I just needed to look for it.

I didn’t take a lot of pictures. Sometimes when I’m behind the camera I miss enjoying the moment. So I took just enough to remember.

This was the shark that washed up on shore. Yes, it was still alive. Daddy put it back in the water.

Why were they soaking the seashells they collected? I’m still not sure…

This was the floatie that was used in all kinds of competitive water sports with Daddy. He started it!

And when they could get it away from him, they battled each other. Splash!

This one split her time between covering herself with sand and swimming like a fish. Cuteness!

They also liked to pick the beach grass flowers and present them to me in the early mornings…

And this was my favorite time of day – high tide, early in the morning. Can you hear that gentle surf?

Sometimes, rushing around is the culture in which we live. And culture is hard to turn off. But I’m trying! So I’m sitting still, breathing on purpose, and leaving the phone plugged into the wall instead of next to me. It may be that if I continue this practice, the next family vacation will be even more peaceful and slow. And maybe, I’m bringing some of that slowness into my everyday as well.

How about you? Do you find it a challenge to slow down, even on vacation? How do you find stillness in your life? Please share in the comments below!

2COMMENTS

Inspirations, Mind Management

Kindness Matters

I bought a car magnet that says, “Kindness Matters” out of a catalog a few years ago. The intention of the magnet was to encourage other drivers around you to be more considerate on the road, maybe to help decrease road rage and foster a more calm commute.

It lives on our frig…

Initially I figured it was a good reminder for the kids. They are constantly bickering, fighting, arguing, competing, jockeying for position – they’re normal kids. And after having lived with them for more than a decade, I’m pretty sure that kindness isn’t inherent. It must be taught. And modeled. And practiced. So the magnet sits in the hub of our home, a silent and every present reminder to exercise our kindness with each other.

But maybe it means more than that. I’ve started reading a book by one of my heroes in holistic gynecology named Christiane Northrup, MD. She’s written many books, but the one I’m reading now is called The Wisdom Of Menopause. It’s a huge book and has a lot of info to digest, so I haven’t finished it yet. There is a theme that seems to be running through it though, and that is that many women have spent most of their adult lives taking care of other people. And when we do that, we seem to do it to the exclusion of caring for ourselves. We tend to give lots of reasons for why that is, but a big one is that we feel selfish taking care of ourselves when others need us. Dr Northrup gets into much more detail, but she notes that when menopause and the shift that happens there comes, the lack of self care and self love is revealed, and is not well tolerated at all. It’s as if we’ve spent years of pushing our own needs into a closet, and there’s no more room. The closet is full to bursting, it’s over capacity, and all that stuff inside has to be sorted out. We can’t ignore our own needs forever.

That closet…

Why not? There’s lots of reasons. I’m not sure where we get it into our hearts that it’s our role to meet other’s needs, but that ours don’t matter. Somehow we decide that it’s selfish to ask for what we need. We learn to “put on our big girl panties and deal with it”. Doesn’t really matter how we feel about things or what the effects are on us. I’m no different. I don’t know where or when I decided to believe that my needs didn’t matter, that being an adult woman/mom/mother meant I didn’t really matter.

I’ve been living this way for awhile and I’ve gotten pretty clear what I think about it: It stinks. Living as if you don’t matter sucks, and it doesn’t do anyone any good. First of all, if you are tired, undernourished, physically weak and emotionally underfed, what is it that you have to give away to someone else? You’re running on fumes! Secondly, this is a twisted way to think about a woman’s lot in life. We’ve gone through phases as womankind, with living without equal rights to men and being “owned” by our husbands or fathers, to the women’s suffrage movement, to the separatist feminist mindset and all things in between. I don’t believe that we have to give up lives with husband and family to live fully realized lives as women. But trying to do what we are doing now, working and taking care of home and children and often parents, and doing it alone, is not what womanhood should be about. Thirdly, this isn’t the legacy I want to leave my daughters. I don’t want them to look at me and think, “Well, if that’s the life of a working mom and wife, I don’t want any parts of it!” Or they might just decide that loving other people well means they are won’t have space for love and care themselves. Nope, not at all how I want them to live.

I want my girls (and my son too for that matter!) to be kind to themselves. There’s plenty of destructive criticism and mean spirited attitudes to go around without it being self inflicted. Here’s the thing though: I find it very hard to be kind to me. The thoughts that go through my head when I look in the mirror, or miss something on my list, or put on something that doesn’t fit well, or… The list goes on and on. Let’s just agree that most of what I say to myself wouldn’t be anything that would come out of my mouth to someone else, even if I didn’t like them. It would just be mean. But why? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be kind to myself?

Somewhere along the way I started believing the critical voice in my head. I wasn’t even paying attention to it. I was just letting it tell me all sorts of negative things and believing that I was what I’d done. See, I know all the mean, critical, unloving, angry, ugly things in me, even when no one else sees them. For years, I’ve let my brain tell me that all that stuff means that I am those things. And in order to be worth love and care, I need to make up for it by doing for others. That’s called penance. And it’s untrue. The truth is the way Jesus tells it, that we are worth so much that we are worth dying for. We are loved that much! God doesn’t ask us to work our way into being worthy of love. We already are. And we have to recognize the voice of self criticism and unworthiness as the lie, and the voice of love and kindness as truth.

Psalm 139:14

It takes practice. And boy, do I need it! After years of practicing whipping my self into shape, by doing the right thing because that’s what a good girl does, I have to purposefully choose to think differently. I have to check in with my self and listen to that voice. Is it telling the truth? Or am I listening to a constantly critical background chatter? Am I being loving and kind to myself?

Sometimes the hardest thing is to accept the love around you, mostly because you aren’t accepting it in you. This week my kids decided they wanted to do a “spa day” for their homeschool teacher and auntie, because the first official day of homeschool is next week and they wanted to do something nice for her. Then they came to me and asked shyly when I had a day off so they could do one for me. Honestly, my first thought was, “I don’t have time for that. When would I get everything else done?” Then my son said to me, “Mommy, you always spend your time off shopping and running around. It doesn’t seem like it’s really a day off.” He was right. My kids could see it, and they wanted to love me. So I cut my running around off and let them. They soaked and rubbed and put hot towels on my feet, gave me a back rub, and my oldest made me a face mask of mashed avocado. They put it all together, and they cleaned it up afterwards. It was new and a little strange, having my kids pour attention on me, but I loved it!

I am worthy of love and care. Living that way starts with managing the voice in my head. Then I can practice being kind to myself, both in the thoughts I have and also in the choices I make to take care of myself, without guilt. Because I matter too!

And so do you! Do you find it hard to take care of yourself? Why? Have you found ways to overcome it? Please share in the comments so we can help each other!

4COMMENTS

Mind Management

How Do You Feel?

This is a question I’ve been asking myself much more recently.

I hear you thinking already, “Yep, she’s finally cracked up.” It does sound a little funny, doesn’t it? We ask a version of this to people when we greet them. We ask, “How are you doing?” It’s a greeting, usually fairly innocuous, generally meant sincerely, but we don’t really expect to get an answer. It’s surprising when we get a heartfelt genuine answer, something more than “I’m good. How are you?”

Or…

It’s a question we tend to ask our children, to help them put words to their feelings. We want them to be able to identify their emotions and work through them. We know that children have feelings that they don’t know what to do with, and putting words to the feelings helps them to begin to process them constructively. As adults we figure we’re pretty in touch with how we feel about things.

So why am I asking myself this question?

To this point in my life, I’ve spent decades training and teaching and caring for people. Every day I go out to give something that I’ve learned, something that is needed. I’ve added having my children and meeting their needs to the cadence of each day. I love it. It’s what I’m here to do, and I’m thrilled and honored that I am trusted to take care of my own family and many patients and friends.

But…

As I’ve moved into this space of holistic healing, I’ve learned so much about seeing people as integrated human beings, so much more than just the problem that presents itself that day. It’s become quick to write a prescription and solve that one issue, but there’s often so much more happening underneath.

When I turn that perspective toward myself, it’s become very clear to me that it’s easy for me to get out of balance. There’s so much to do with my work and kids and projects that a very long time can go by when I’ve forgotten to check on how I am. It’s so common that women put themselves last on the priority list, as if we can be good caretakers for everyone else when we haven’t been taking care of ourselves. How do you fill someone else’s cup when your bucket is empty? So I started asking the question, “How do I feel?”

Empty bucket…

It’s actually a two part question. For women we can often answer the questions easily with a name for an (or several!) emotion(s). We can explain and describe and justify and break it all down. We usually have a story that goes with the emotion. And we talk to our friends or family about it, work it through, and that’s it. But we don’t usually go on to the deeper place in the question.

It’s in the word how. Talking out the emotion is a good start, but because the feeling that we are talking through is usually negative, we like to decide that it’s all worked out because we’ve talked about it. The harder part, the next step, is feeling the emotion. Sitting with it and letting it be uncomfortable isn’t often something we do. I’m much more likely to grab my list and run off to accomplish something than to sit down and feel the fear that goes with pursuing a new direction in my life. Escaping to TV or social media is another way to avoid feeling the emotion. Overeating, mindless snacking, having a drink (or two, or several) are all ways that we stuff the emotion instead of choosing to feel the discomfort and acknowledge it.

Why go through all that? It certainly doesn’t feel good. And besides, what good is it if you go through all the uncomfortable feeling anyway? Will it change?

It might.

Here’s what is certain: If you find ways to escape the emotions, they will get muted out for awhile during your Netflix binge or pint of ice cream. They will come back. And they won’t be solved when they do. So what happens if you sit through the tough feelings? They’ll pass, like a wave. And then your brain will realize that they aren’t as big a threat as it thought they were. Once the fear has passed and your protective guard isn’t needed, you get to be constructive about what you’re feeling.

Do you want to quit your job because you’d love to do something else, even though it’s less stable? Scary stuff. There’s a lot of what-ifs with that. But if you don’t feel the fear and acknowledge it, you’ll never get to problem solve and maybe live out that dream.

Are you terrified that your kids aren’t going to turn out well because you’re not the mom you want to be? You yell too much and you’re tired and cranky and you don’t know how to help them with that math homework anyway. Will you be a better mom tomorrow if you eat that Ben and Jerry’s? What if you sit down and let that feeling happen – and realize that you’re needing to get more sleep, and microwave popcorn and wine for dinner isn’t enough to keep you fueled and strong? Maybe you’ll also remember that you’re the one mom that knows your babies best, and there are a few things you can do differently tomorrow to love them the way you know you can.

What did I get when I asked myself, “How do I feel”? Mostly scared. What? Why? Ohhhh, so many reasons. I want to be a more patient, affectionate, loving mom, which I am not, at least the patient part. Homeschooling seems like a gamble, both because I don’t know how they’ll make it out in the end, and also because I don’t really know how to help someone else teach my kids while I’m working. They’re a lot. Homeschooling is a lot. Raising kids in any situation is a lot. Continuing on…

My job is fine, but I’d really like to step out and do something new, which is exciting and terrifying at the same time. I want to speak and teach and creative holistic care programs for a living, which is a big move away from seeing one patient at a time. I’m writing a book, which of course I’m afraid I’ll never finish. The fight to lose the last 10 pounds seems to be a never ending battle, so of course I feel like a fraud trying to help others get their weight under control.

So, I’m scared.

And I hate it. I try so hard to avoid it by writing lists and running as hard as I can to get things done. I’m a model of efficiency – running around at top speed, getting it done. Occasionally I’ll sit down and watch TV, all the time feeling like I should be doing something more constructive. When I actually do what I’m telling you to do, to sit down and be still, I squirm. It doesn’t feel good. But I get through it, and I’m going to keep doing it. How?

I make myself do it. And if I need to cry, I do. But when I’m done, I feel a little space open up inside, and that’s the space left by a little fear leaving me. So I will do it again. And again. And again. There may come a day when it will be easier to feel and understand the emotions, and maybe it will happen more quickly than it does now. But if not, that’s ok, because I can always sit still and ask myself, “How do I feel”? The answer always comes. And with the answer comes space and growth and freedom. And we can all use more of that!

So, how do you feel? What happens when you sit still and feel your emotions? How do you work it through? Please share in the comments below!

NOCOMMENTS

Help Getting It Done, Mind Management

What Do You Need For A Reset?

Ever feel like you’re running on a hamster wheel? Just round and round and going nowhere?

It happens. A lot, it seems in my life. And I know that it’s generally because of how I live. Work, kids, activities, projects – it’s a lot of things to do, and that can make the pace of life feel very fast. But I contribute to the problem because I focus on all those things to be done, and I make lists, and I push to always be completing some task. And I usually get away with it, because the normal ebbs and flows of life give me a little time to breathe and catch up. A Saturday to sleep in, a date night out, an evening watching a show on TV, these can all be a little break in the rushing around. But every so often, the pace picks up, things get a little crazy, and I start to feel like I’m losing my grip on my situation.

Here’s an example for you. A few weekends ago it was my turn to work at the hospital. I do about a weekend a month, and I pray every time for mercy and some sleep when I’m working overnight. And sometimes I do get to sleep. But this particular Friday night I was up all night seeing patients and answering calls. That phone rang every 5 to 30 minutes and that is NOT an exaggeration. By the morning, I wanted to throw it across the room just to see it splinter into tiny pieces. Suffice it to say, when I got home Saturday morning, I wasn’t fit for human consumption. I crawled in the guest room bed, pulled the covers over my head, and slept all day. I got up to go out for dinner, and that was the end of that day. I went back to work on Sunday. Of course, that means I got nothing done at home all weekend.

So I lost a weekend. So what? It shouldn’t be a big deal, but it was. If I can’t play some catch up on the weekend, I start the next week behind. So then the next week felt rushed and busy. I felt like I was rushing all the time, and not getting enough. In addition to being behind, my teacher was off for a few weeks and my babysitter got sick, so we were without childcare for a few days. So we patched together what we needed to keep the kids taken care of, but without that support at home, I got even more behind. It was a snowball effect.

By the middle of last week, I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to sit down and write a post. In order for me to write I need a little time and breathing room to be creative, and that just wasn’t going to happen. Last week also was short because we left town Thursday to drive to our family reunion in Virginia Beach, so after work all I could manage to do was get the girls’ hair braided and finish the packing. I still forgot my razor and my hair scarf.

Now we’re back, no one has gotten enough sleep, I’m hormonal, and I’m in desperate need of a reset. Anyone got an easy button? Seriously though, sometimes starting over seems like a really good idea. If there was a way to clear the slate, I’d do it. I hate that feeling of more things hanging over my head to do than I think can get done! The thoughts “I’ll never catch up, I’m always behind, I’m drowning in all the stuff that needs to be done” – they just make me miserable. Did you catch that? The way I think about the things I need to do makes me unhappy. It’s not actually what I’m doing, or who I’m doing them for, or even how many things there are to do in the time I have. It’s how I’m thinking about it all.

And here’s the reality: There will always be things to do. There may come a time in my life where it’s not so frenetic, but it’s not now. So how do I work against my brain that wants to remind me how hard it is to get everything done? It’s a discouraging thinking pattern I’ve worn in my brain for many years. But it can be undone! It takes conscious effort to practice a new pattern of thinking. You have to recognize the thought, understand that it’s just a thought and not necessarily the truth, and you have to choose to begin thinking differently. For me, a thought I find much more helpful is, “I have enough time to do everything I need to do today.” That thought doesn’t tell me I have to get everything done today, just that I have enough time to do what needs doing today. It’s true, it’s calming, and it’s motivating.

BUT – in order to be best able to retrain my brain, it’s best if I’m feeling well. So when things get a little nutty, these are some things I do to reset myself so I can be better going forward…

Get enough sleep.

Seriously. When we’re tired, it’s like dragging ourselves through quicksand all day. It’s just a grind. Everything is harder than it should be, because all we want to do is make it to bedtime. Lack of sleep sucks the joy out of the moments that we could appreciate if we weren’t so doggone tired. A century ago, the average person was sleeping 9 hours a night. Today, the average is 7 hours a night. And I bet you can think of many nights you’ve logged fewer than that. Another fun fact: sleeping 6 hours a night for 14 consecutive nights is equivalent to your body (and brain!) to missing an entire night of sleep. It’s not a good place to try to live from, and for most of us women who are the caregivers, it’s a tough place to give from. Giving from exhaustion requires a nearly herculean effort of will, which just can’t be done on a routine basis. You must take care of yourself too, which includes getting enough sleep!

Exercise

This is usually the first thing to go. I exercise in the mornings because I’m generally too tired at night to do it, and because I just don’t seems to get to it if I don’t do it early. But if I don’t sleep (see above!), then I don’t want to get up early enough to exercise. And when I say exercise, I don’t mean an hour of cardio or getting to the gym before work. If you can get in a 15 minute YouTube free weights video, or a 20-30 minute yoga DVD or online class, that’s great! That’s what I’ve gotten in this week, and it helped keep my back from hurting so I could run around all day. I also get the benefit of feeling like I did something good for me that day, even if there’s still a lot to do. And exercise does make you feel better. It seems like it’s optional, but you’ll be happier if you get this in your day. A caveat: I don’t recommend exercise within 2-3 hours of bedtime. It can disrupt the quality of your sleep if it’s too close to bedtime. Early is best, but factor that in your plan so you can get the best possible sleep too!

Eat Well

Whenever I work all night, I notice that the next day I crave sugar. I want to eat cookies and chips and cake and doughnuts and – well, you get it. It’s my body screaming for quick energy. But it’s the wrong thing to do. I know it, but my brain doesn’t always get in line. So I have to make a plan and stick to it, even though the cupcakes the girls made look like a really good idea. They’re not. Almost ever. But a fresh green salad doesn’t take long to throw together, especially if you buy a few cartons of prewashed greens. Chop some carrots and peppers and celery and cucumbers (or whatever fresh veggies you like) and keep it in the fridge. When it’s time to eat, cook up your protein and add fat (creamy dressing, avocado, olive oil). You can also cook up some veggies in grass fed butter or ghee to increase the good fat on your plate. That’s a meal to satisfy your hunger, keep your energy levels stable, and keep you from grabbing the next cookie that crosses your path!

That’s it. At least, that’s a good start toward getting back on track when I’m getting overwhelmed. It’s my “Back To Basics” approach. One thing I didn’t do: watch TV. It’s so tempting when the kids are finally in bed to breathe a sign of relief and grab the remote. It’s a trap – don’t do it! Two things happen almost every time. One, you get sucked into a show and stay up later than you meant to. Then you don’t get enough sleep, you don’t get up to exercise, you don’t have time to meal prep, etc. And two, you wake up the next morning realizing that you lost another night that you needed to get things done. The TV stole it! So I just don’t go into the basement where the TV lives. We just can’t be together until I plan time for it.

What about you? How do you get yourself reset when you get off track? Please share in the comments below so we can help each other be our best!

Come back next week when I share some of my favorite shortcuts for eating well with very little time. See you soon!

NOCOMMENTS

Inspirations, Mind Management

What Chapter Is This?

This week has been begging for ibuprofen.

Now, I didn’t take any. Not that there’s anything wrong with taking some ibuprofen if you need it here and there. Ibuprofen is an anti-inflammatory medication, and it works. Too much of anything isn’t good though, and you need a little inflammation sometimes to promote growth and healing. I had lots of opportunities for growth this week.

But I did take a lot of turmeric and black pepper.

Let me tell you about the opportunities for growth. After I ran around like crazy all weekend at the hospital while wearing my back support for my back injury, I spent all day Monday with my five year old. We didn’t have childcare, and Perry took the big kids to Six Flags for the day. I thought I’d get some things on my list done since I’d be home all day. That didn’t happen. I must have forgotten that a five year old alone needs near constant supervision – I’m so used to her older siblings keeping her entertained! So after I cleaned pen ink off of several surfaces, I realized that my day was going to go a little differently than I planned. Suffice it to say, I started off my week behind.

Magic eraser cleaning…

Tuesday I had a day in the office where I had to give concerning news to a patient and do performance reviews with several of my staff, one of which was very challenging. By the time I headed home I had a headache, which thankfully doesn’t happen often for me. When I walked in the house, the kids had left lots of their stuff lying around everywhere (as usual). So after I corralled them, got the clean-up done, showered, ate dinner, moved them all to bed and spent a few minutes trying to plan my October retreat, it was my bedtime. I dragged my exhausted husband off the couch (he’s been working hard!) and we marched off to bed. I still didn’t get anything done.

Wednesday I didn’t sit down from the time I got to the hospital until I left. My head and legs hurt when I got in the Atlanta traffic to head home. Then we had family group midweek at our house (I stayed awake for almost the whole thing). Again, nothing done.

Thursday was back in the office. Between late patients and a double booked schedule, I worked into lunch (and the birthday party the nurses gave for me and another doctor). After stopping for ten minutes to eat, I finished up my morning charts and the afternoon began. Between the phone interview with a new doctor I had to complete and the calls from my husband about dinner for the kids (no childcare again), when I looked up it was time to head home. Still didn’t get my patient list done for the meeting coming up or the office schedule work I needed to do…

Still unfinished…

Sounds like I raced through this week, doesn’t it? That’s what it felt like. Everything in me is screaming for a break. I don’t want to do anything but sit in front of Netflix and binge watch TV (which I never do – just not what I usually want to do).

But as I go back over the week and process how I’m thinking about it, I realized that I have quite a few unhelpful thoughts about it. As much as I feel like I’ve gotten nothing done and that I’m moving through quicksand, that’s not actually the truth. Even with the pace of this week, I did a lot of worthwhile things this week. I was able to talk to a friend going through a new cancer diagnosis and support her. I spent time with my five year old making her feel special. I kept up with my new weight-lifting routine. I finished the hospital credentialing paperwork that was due. There’s more, but even that’s enough.

Hanging out with my youngest

So what’s the problem? My tendency to get mired in the to-do list and see only what’s still left to accomplish keeps me from seeing the progress I’m making. I think it’s hard for us to see our own growth and development. But we love to see it happening in other people’s lives – we find it inspirational! That’s why we love books and movies and sports. They all tell a story, and each story has an introduction, the body of the story where all the conflict and challenges happen, and the resolution of the story at the end. The story doesn’t really mean much if there’s no struggle. It’s somewhat bland and uninteresting.

Part of the fun of enjoying a story is knowing that when you finish it, there is an ending. The story is complete, and unless there’s a sequel, you are satisfied that you know the whole story. But movies and books have a few hours to tell the whole story. Life is longer! It’s much harder to look at your own life and know that what’s happening right now is the preparation for the amazing thing to happen next month. Or to see that the mundane day-to-day is giving you something you need to weather the storm ahead. It’s really hard to know what chapter of your life you’re in.

I love book stories!

I was listening to a story on NPR while driving around this week that was about a pianist who is using artificial intelligence to create music unlike anything that’s been heard before. If he and the computer create something amazing, unless he’s recording it, he can’t recreate it. It’s random and computer generated. When he was asked if that was difficult, he said it was its own unique challenge. But it was like life – each moment is its own special and fleeting time, not to happen again.

That made me think. Am I rushing through all of my unique and fleeting moments? Am I worrying more about what I need to do next than enjoying the moments I’m living? I really want to know where I am in my story – on a cliff looking over a deep valley, standing at the bottom of a huge mountain to climb, near the top of a hill I’ve been moving slowly up for a long time? But is anticipating what’s coming later more satisfying, more enjoyable than experiencing the moment right now? Someday I will see the whole picture when I look back, but for now I’m still writing the story, at least this part.

So are you. Even when the experiences are hard, they are moments too, and they move on. If your moments are hard now, keep breathing through them and try not to wish yourself ahead. Other moments will come, and lighter ones will come in the midst of these heavy times. Try not to miss the light because you’re wishing yourself past the dark.

So while I know my beginning and I want to see all the great middle parts happen, I don’t really just want to skip to the end and figure out the conclusion. So I’m going to keep learning to enjoy the middle as it grows around me, and savor the fleeting moments of my life.

Do you love stories but can’t figure out where you are in yours? Are you tempted to rush ahead or have you learned how to savor your moments? Please share in the comments below!

2COMMENTS

Inspirations, Mind Management

Criticism, Pain, and the Truth

It’s been a hard week.

Do you ever feel like you’re not doing anything right? I mean in a deep, core-of-who-you-are kind of way. We all wear different titles: friend, mother, wife, doctor-lawyer-indian chief (you know what I’m trying to say). There’s a level of performance that I expect to function at for each of my roles. And some days I know I’m just killing it – getting it done, doing a good job at whoever I’m supposed to be. But other days it just doesn’t feel like anything I do is worth anything at all. Let me give you some background…

Over the past month or so I’ve been reading a book called Love and Respect with my husband. We wanted to improve our relationship and our communication (who couldn’t use more of that?). But this book was hard. I figured out about halfway through that men and women truly have different cultures – our perspective, language, communication style, everything. Maybe this isn’t news to you. But I didn’t realize how very differently we see things. It explained a lot of the miscommunication and disagreements we’ve had over the years. But that wasn’t the hard part. The challenge was when I realized that I really didn’t know how to give my husband the respect he needs. So I’ve been praying to be more respectful and I’m trying hard. And still, I feel like I keep messing it up again and again.

Then we sat down with someone close to us (who has seen our family up close) to get some feedback on our parenting. And while some of what she said was positive, of course my focus was on the criticisms. I already believe that I am not the mom I hope to be anyway. So it’s really hard to hear from someone else that your way of raising your kids needs work. Parenting is hard work, and even when you are being as intentional as possible, there are still going to be times when the kids are nutty and you lose your grip, at least momentarily. But we also can develop patterns of relating and training that aren’t what they need to be, so it’s good to get help to see that. But it hurts. I want my kids to be getting the very best mom I can be, and to hear that I’m not giving that to them is very, very painful. Mothering is one of my most important jobs, and I want to be great at it. So I’ve been walking around with this deep sense of failure as a mom.

Who wants to fail these babies?

My semi annual review at work was also this week. And it went fine. No patient related concerns or performance issues. But I also serve as the lead physician for our group, so my review also includes that role. And a comment was made about something other employees wanted me to do differently, and while it wasn’t particularly accurate or important, it hurt my feelings. You notice I use the word “serve”? The lead physician makes schedules, handles all patient complaints, acts as a clinician-nursing liaison, and supervises the clinicians in the group (among other things). And there’s no administrative support, not enough admin time, and minimal financial compensation. But there’s lots of criticism, which makes it a thankless job. Still, I’d like to think that I am doing it well. I certainly spend a lot of my time off working on it. All this means that I’m feeling like I’m doing a poor job as a leader as well…

What’s all this for anyway?

Well, that pretty much covers most of the bases. I haven’t wanted to even think about what kind of daughter or friend or indian chief I am. I’m pretty sure I’m a failure on all fronts. Right? Here’s the thing about that conclusion: It’s completely based on thoughts I have in my head. And I have learned that I am my own worst critic. So when I get into a downward spiral like this, it’s usually because I’m telling myself some things that I feel about what actually is. It’s not that I’m telling myself objective, clear-cut, honest truth.

You know what kinds of thoughts I’m talking about, don’t you? The ones that pop in whenever things aren’t going well, or you make a mistake. The thoughts that say: you always do that, aren’t you ever going to get this right, if you just had a little more self discipline, you really should have this together by now, you shouldn’t even be responsible for this, you are so lazy/weak/disorganized/stupid/fat/ugly. It looks so awful on the page, and we wouldn’t ever want to say any of this out loud to anyone, but we do it to ourselves all the time.

The good news is this: There is help! It’s really hard to see that in the midst of the spiral, but when I take a deep breath and come up for air, it’s right there. Let me tell you what also crossed my path this week.

I read a book a few months back called Lovable by Kelly Flanagan. It’s been on my bedside table to start reading to the kids, but something told be to start reading it again myself. It’s been so busy that I haven’t gotten far, but at 6 am one morning when I asked my husband to buy it for our Audible account so I could listen while I drive, he got right up and ordered it. So except for the risk of a car accident because I’m crying my eyes out while listening on the road (it is that good!), I got four gifts from rediscovering this book. My husband loved me by stopping his morning to get me the book, I’m getting supported and loved as I listen on the road, I can listen again with my kiddos at night before bed, and I’m doing more of what I want to do as a mom for my babies.

One of my colleagues recommended a podcast to me called “Weight Loss for Busy Physicians” by Katrina Ubell, MD. I started listening to study her transition from medicine to coaching and found that I was very interested in what she had to say and her teaching on how our thoughts affect our actions. This week, the podcast I listened to was about managing negative thoughts. It was next in my queue, but I’m pretty sure that was how that was supposed to work out. I needed it this week!

In my meditations this week I struggled to keep my focus. I kept having to remind myself to breathe and my thoughts kept wandering away to all the negativity I was feeling. But the scripture that kept coming up was 2 Corinthians 10:5b: “We take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ.” Just because I have a thought doesn’t make it true, and in order to make my thoughts obedient to Christ, I have to capture them first. This was a reminder I needed!

I don’t believe in accidents. I believe in divine providence. It’s not an accident that I am going through all this angst in each of these areas – it’s because I need to pay attention and grow here. And yes it’s hard, but the help I need to do it is also there. I’m not alone like a weed in the desert, left to grow or die. I’m more like a well-tended flower growing in a garden with lots of sunshine, water, and loving care. And the Gardener keeps providing what I need to grow well, whether I ask or not.

I also believe you are probably just like me. And while you might feel alone in the dark, you’re not. We are all in need of love and support and correction, and we need to grow. So if you feel like I have this week, take a deep breath. Then do it again. Then look around for the help that is there for you and know that we’re all doing this together.

Writing this post was hard. But I wrote it anyway hoping that maybe reading this will make you feel less alone and sad, and a little more like we’re all in this together. I want to feel that way. Knowing that we all need love and support, maybe we can reach out and help each other along, even as we grow ourselves bit by bit. Do you feel me holding your hand? I feel yours. Let’s keep growing, together!

Please leave a comment – I’d love to know if you’re here with me in all this!

NOCOMMENTS

Mind Management

Diagnosing The Problem

I just spent a week away from work. My older kids were at camp for 5 days, and the youngest stayed with a friend. I didn’t cook, clean or organize anything. We went out for dinner, talked, went to bed and got up when we pleased. Why am I still tired?

So here’s what was supposed to happen. I scheduled the kids to be at camp the week of my birthday. Since I don’t work on my birthday anyway and I was going to have 75% of my kids gone, I figured I might as well take advantage of the situation and take the whole week off. Then, if I sent the youngest to someone else’s house, I could have a completely quiet place to rest. We had already gone on an activity filled vacation (spring skiing in Colorado), so this summer week off was supposed to be low key and relaxing.

Because I have a tendency to clean and organize whenever I’m in my house (it always seems to be a mess!), I thought it would be best if we took a couple of days away from home to get me out of the house and away from the temptation to take on new projects. So we scheduled a couple of nights at our favorite B&B in Asheville, NC, planning to take the day before and the day after to rest at home.

On the road…

So we hustled and got all the kids packed up and dropped off. A couple of dear friends were in town taking their kids to camp for the same week, so they spent the night at our house on Sunday after the drop off. We went out to dinner and talked and had a great time.

Monday was my birthday. After our friends headed to Florida for their week without kids, Perry ran around getting things done and I sat in our sunroom. All day. I read, meditated, napped, and did yoga. It was glorious! He came back in the mid afternoon and we went out to an early dinner.

Tuesday morning I got a manicure and pedicure. When I got back, we fiddled around getting the house closed up and the car packed. We got on the road mid afternoon and drove the three hours to Asheville, talking the whole time. We got Jamaican for dinner and read and slept.

Wednesday we had our breakfast and I went to a foot soak and massage appointment. Afterwards, I went to my favorite makeup place and bought a few things. Then we spent a couple of hours at an old bookstore, eating a cheese platter and drinking a glass of wine. I needed a nap, so we went back to the B&B and I napped while Perry did a puzzle. We went out to dinner and came back to read and sleep some more.

Thursday after breakfast and check out we went to a tea shop to pick up some hibiscus tea leaves and drink tea together. Then we drove home and went out for Indian food.

Friday our friends came back from Florida. The guys went to play golf, my friend had to do some shopping, so I was on my own most of the day. I got adjusted at the chiropractor, walked around my favorite consignment store. I had the house to myself for a couple of hours before we got back together for dinner.

My sunroom – a favorite place to rest!

And that was it. Saturday we picked up the kids from camp and the little one came home. We worked on unpacking and washing the piles of laundry that came back with them from camp. The kids made a salad, we ordered pizza, and we watched some Lord Of The Rings together. Sounds like a great week, right?

Well, it was. What I couldn’t figure out was why at the end of the week I was so cranky. I hadn’t had to take care of a child or a patient or a schedule for days. You’d think I would be completely peaceful and happy, but I wasn’t. It just didn’t make sense! My husband was already talking about doing this again next year, how it was such a great week, and I just couldn’t figure out what exactly was my problem.

At first, I started trying to figure it out as I usually do – I started talking about it. I think I hurt my husband’s feelings though, because he thought we’d had a great week together. He felt like we’d relaxed and taken it pretty easy. And I loved spending the week with him! But I still felt like I went from activity to activity instead of resting. That was the beginning of the diagnosis. I was looking for a week of rest, and I planned enough things to do that I didn’t feel like I had rested. For someone else (like my husband), the week we experienced was very calm. But for me, even going to spa appointments and dinners was more scheduled than I needed.

Part 2 of the diagnosis came when I started looking back. We talked about several things that were very important to us – our retirement vision, our health and fitness goals, financial planning. These were critical issues that we just couldn’t seem to make any progress in our normal lives. I had been praying for change in each of these areas, and we made huge progress in each. The problem was that my expectation that this was the week for MY rest. I hadn’t planned to do a lot of critical thinking and mental gymnastics. I just wanted to be still! You know what? That may not have been what the week was for, even if my plan was otherwise.

The final piece of the diagnosis came when I started looking at myself. Ever realize that your problem isn’t all the things you see around you, but is coming from within? My mind is very busy. I can use the messiness of the house, or the presence of the children, or the list of things to do as a reason to get distracted, but the truth is that I don’t know how to rest well. For decades I’ve practiced task completion and accomplishing goals, but I’m a novice at getting still and staying there. Rest is not dependent on location or lack of distraction. It’s for me to be resting, not getting away to rest. My inner planner was what needed to be closed and silenced, not finding the time or the perfect place get away.

I need to rest more. I’m just not good at it yet. It took removing almost every possible distraction to figure out that I’m the reason I don’t rest. Is it easier when it’s quiet? Sure. Could a month away in Bali help me slow down? Absolutely! But if I’m going to find rest, it’s going to take some deliberate effort at growing this skill. Because that’s what is it: a skill. It’s a skill I desperately need to have in my life, in my being. So here, each day of this messy chaotic, glorious life, I will practice finding rest.

What about you? Do you find ways to truly rest, or do you struggle? Please share in the comments below!

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