Category Archives: Inspirations

NOCOMMENTS

What We Need

Am I allowed to panic yet?

This week has been a race to the finish. Our homeschool group ends for the semester next week, and with Easter and our cultural Sunday last weekend, I have had a total of four potlucks to prepare for (three next week!). My three older kids are sitting for memory master testing, which is an oral exam where they are tested on the over 400 pieces of information they have memorized this school year and no mistakes are allowed for them to earn the designation of Memory Master. My oldest is testing for Mega Memory Master, where she will do the same, but for three years worth of memory work in one sitting. My shoulders are creeping toward my ears as I write this…

In addition to the exams, my high risk list is due for a meeting next week, I need to send an email to my group about nurse’s week, and I’m giving a class on spiritual meditation for the women at church on Sunday. There’s other stuff too, but I have to get dressed for work now and I can’t even remember it all right now!

In it all though, I’ve been able to find the bright spots. I consider this a triumph for me, because it wasn’t long ago that I’d have wanted to hide in my bed under the covers and sleep to get away from the stress. I wouldn’t have been able to see the beauty in all this hustle. But I’m learning to slow down enough to see the moments of love in the midst of all that needs to be done. The best tool I’ve used to slow myself and appreciate my life is my grateful list*. The best way to use it to be consistent and write in it every day – but I’ve completely fallen off. So in the midst of the strain of this week, I’ve brought my list back. It surprises me how much writing in it helps. Almost every time I pull out my pen, I struggle to think of something to write down. That’s certainly a reflection of how negative my thinking can become, not how many wonderful things I have in my life! But as I write, more and more comes to mind and I always write down more than my daily minimum of three.

With all the exam prep, I’ve had to help coach the kids through their test anxiety. That’s been hard, because I can feel myself connecting back to the anxiety I’ve felt in all the years of exams I took for my education. The difference now is that I have tools in my arsenal I didn’t have back then. So I’m praying with the kids, taking them on prayer walks, and working with them on meditation and breath work. When I put the kids to bed last night, my oldest asked if I would make sure to get her up for our morning walk, because she felt that she needed to pray. That was a gift and an answered prayer! I hugged her tight and promised to get her up for my walk before I left for work.

That’s my biggest girl!

Other moments of encouragement have come at work. In the past week, I’ve had a nurse manager at our procedure suite and a charge nurse at the hospital comment to me on how calm and patient I was in the face of some frustrating circumstances. That was wonderful for me, because it meant I’ve grown. A lot. I tend naturally to be very reactive and quick to anger, but I’ve spent years working against that tendency. There have been lots of times where I had to “fake it until I made it” – where I behaved calmly but raged internally. But in these two instances, I had let go of the need to react and was truly calm inside. These two nurses don’t know me well, so they don’t know what I’m telling you. But they were able to see something peaceful in me that I know I didn’t used to have.

Another simple but fun thing I am grateful for is my henna tattoo. I’d been wanting to get one for a long time, so when my friend invited me and my girls to a henna party I jumped at the chance. Every time I look at my foot, it makes me smile. I feel pretty!

I also found a new tea at the store. It’s a lavender blueberry tea that’s supposed to be good for skin. I bought it because it sounded delicious (and it is!). But the part that makes my heart happy every time I make it is the rich blue-purple color of the tea. It’s very soothing and peaceful…

During my eighth trip to the grocery store this week (ok, that’s absolutely an exaggeration), I bought myself flowers. The colors I choose depend on my mood – these feel like sunshine to me! Side note: Don’t wait for the occasions when someone might give you flowers. Buy them if they make you happy!

Gratitude is the antidote to my feeling overwhelmed and negative. It can help with sadness, depression, anxiety and just plain feeling funky! So I’m gonna keep at my list and let it keep helping me grow – it’s been working so far!

How about you? Do you keep a grateful list? How you do work with your negative thoughts? Please share in the comments below!

*For those of you who didn’t see my post on where the grateful list came from and how it’s helped me, you can read more about it here in my post Loving My Days. Also, the book 1000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp is what really motivated me to start my first list a few years ago – it’s an incredible read!

NOCOMMENTS

Inspirations

For The Beauty of The Earth

I read some disturbing statistics this week.

It was after a quick trip to Whole Foods after a sixteen hour overnight shift at the hospital. I gathered my groceries, assembled a fresh treat from the salad bar, and as I passed the magazine rack on my way out I grabbed a copy of Atlanta Parent magazine (as I usually do). There was an article on the cover about kids and yoga that I wanted to read. As I flipped through the pages, I found a spread on The Plastic Problem. The gist of the article was on the massive amount of plastic waste and ways for each of us to decrease our contribution to the problem. That was enough – but the scope of the problem described put me over the edge. What are we doing to this world we’ve been gifted?

My morning walks have amplified my sense of overwhelm. On one hand, getting out in the air and seeing the new growth of spring clears my mind and makes me feel calm and grateful. I need that time outside! On the other hand, looking at the highly manicured lawns, the sprinklers watering the sidewalks and washing lawn chemicals into the sewer system, the birds and turtles striving to live on the edges of untouched wildness makes me feel sad. Hopeless. I know God gave the earth to us to “subdue” it, but I don’t think he meant for us to abuse it…

Sitting high in a tree near the little lake in my neighborhood…

That article woke me up. I’d done a bunch of things in the past to “green up” my home – changing my food storage from plastic to glass, eliminating artificial air fresheners, reduce/reuse/recycling, but I’ve gotten complacent. Comfortable. Unconscious – like I’d decided that I’ve done enough. You know, t’s not as if any one of us is destroying the earth on purpose – it’s almost as if we don’t realize what we’re doing. It’s like my kids moving through the house like a hurricane with gale force winds. They don’t mean for our home to be a crazy-making mess instead of a peaceful, orderly, welcoming space – they just don’t know any better. My job is to help them become aware of their surroundings and impact on them, set a standard for order, and train them to keep it. But who is helping us to keep the standard of our environmental stewardship? The EPA? FEMA? The USDA?

No, I don’t think so. I’m sure there are lots of individuals working in these organizations who are trying very hard to protect our natural resources and do what’s best, but the financial influences of special interest groups are too powerful to keep these agencies pure. We’re on our own. I absolutely believe that government can and should be protecting natural resources above the interests of corporations and individuals, but we are going to have to demand it. Right now, I’m not sure enough of us are alarmed enough to do it. But we are going to have to get there, and quickly. With spring coming earlier each year, massive increases in pollen counts, rising water levels and global temperature increases, time grows short for us to act. Global environmental change used to be a conversation of the fringe – now it’s in the mainstream media and political conversation. Scientists have been sounding alarms for decades, and now they’re saying that global warming may be approaching a point of no return. It’s enough to make us throw up our hands and give up! But then I think about my children and what this may mean for them, and I know I can’t do that.

So what do we do? I think we start by becoming aware. Before you think I’m suggesting some heavy duty research you don’t have time for, I’m not. There are a few easy things you can do – and then other things will spring from those.

Get outside.

We spend most of our time in our climate controlled homes, cars and offices. Getting outside in the early morning for my walks has helped me! Try taking a short walk after dinner. Step outside your door and look up at the moon (did you know we just had a full moon?). Wander your neighborhood and look at the trees and flowers. Just get out there and notice.

This is the view standing under a magnolia tree. The underside of the leaves are soft and fuzzy!

Look up.

When’s the last time you watched the clouds move across the sky? Or seen the night sky and the magnificence of the stars and moon? Spending a few minutes looking up will remind you of the spectacular space we occupy.

Think and pray.

What can you do to help? Can you carry a stainless bottle of water instead of buying plastic bottled water? You know, most bottled water is really just tap water anyway. What about remembering your reusable bags at the grocery store? I started leaving a bag of them in my car for any trips I make for groceries. Can you throw that lipstick you just picked up at the makeup counter in your purse instead of taking their bag? What about reusing the bags you do take? Here’s another idea : Put a second trash can next to your regular one for recycling. It helps in our house! Whatever comes to mind, you can add to your life, one thing at a time.

Educate yourself.

There are lots of great books out there to help you learn what’s happening in our environment. My current favorite is For The Beauty of The Earth, A Christian Vision for Creation Care by Steven Bouma-Prediger. It’s definitely a high call, but not more than I think God asks of us. Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver is a fascinating look at living closer to the land than we are used to – it’ll make you rethink what seems normal in society these days. The End of Night by Paul Bogard talks about our influence and impact on the natural world with artificial light, why we should care, and ways we individually and collectively can and are changing that impact for the better.

Be encouraged – we can take care of our world! It’s our gift and we have what we need to honor it!

My favorite flower!

What ideas do you have about how to care for our world? Let’s help each other think of ways to help and post in the comments below!

1COMMENTS

Inspirations, Mind Management

Noticing

I’d like to try something different this week.

Recently I’ve been writing about living in the moment. And while I’ve written about how I tend to rush through my time, and how I’m learning how important it is for me to experience the moments as they happen, I haven’t really spent time talking about how to do it. It’s all very well to know that your mind is running ahead of you. It’s a wholly different thing to practice slowing it down and teaching it to notice what’s happening around and in you. And it definitely is a practice. It just doesn’t come naturally to most of us.

So this week we are going to practice! I’m going to guide you through two simple exercises in experiencing the moment. Then you can use it anytime to slow yourself and really be in your life as it’s happening. Ready?

Funny story first though – it’s a good example of how staying present can help you, even in simple ways. I was in the car riding with the family, and my husband was talking about something to me. The topic itself wasn’t hard or contentious, but I felt myself becoming irritated with him and wishing he’d stop talking to me. Somehow, I recognized this was irrational. So I took a deep breath and scanned through my body: Was I hungry/tired/in pain? Actually, the knot at the top of the scarf on my hair was too tight and was digging into my scalp. As soon as I loosened it, the irritation disappeared and it was much easier to listen. So simple, right? But it’s a good example of how little things and my sensitivity to them can affect how I show up in the moment, so it helps me to be aware.

Ok, let’s try an exercise. Right now, wherever you’re sitting, take a slow deep breath, all the way down to the bottom of your lungs. Make sure you let your belly expand and get full with the breath. Then let it all the way out, like you’ve wrung all the air out of your lungs. Then keep breathing, slow and regular. As you breathe, notice the sensation of the air going in and out of your nose. Is it cold or warm? Are you breathing into the top of your chest or deeper into your belly? Neither is wrong, just notice. Then feel the sensation of the chair touching your legs. Feel how hard or soft it is. If your legs are crossed, feel what it’s like to have one leg touching the other. Does it feel heavy, warm, strong? Just notice the sensation.

Interesting, isn’t it? Total, that probably took you 2-3 minutes to complete the exercise. But it probably felt longer. It’s odd how when we really stay in the moment, the time we have seems fuller, richer. When we stay up in our heads thinking about what’s next, we lose what’s happening right now.

Ready for the second exercise? Get a glass of water and sit down with it. For this exercise, try room temperature water so the glass doesn’t fog up. First, look at the water in the glass. Notice how the light in the room you’re in shines through the clear water. See how if you look through the water, it distorts the image of whatever is on the other side? Before you take a drink, pay attention to your mouth. Is it dry? Are you actually thirsty? Now take some of the water into your mouth and feel the wetness on your lips and tongue. Feel the water in your mouth before you swallow, and when you do, sense it traveling down into your stomach. Does it make you feel full/quenched or do you want more? Notice the sensation of the glass in your hand. Would you like to keep holding it or are you ready to put it down? When you’ve finished drinking, put the glass down and take one more breath, in and out. How do you feel?

These are exercises you can do at anytime, wherever you are. When you feel like time is spinning out of control, slow it down by noticing exactly what you’re doing at that moment. You can do it as you eat your lunch, sit at your desk, drink your morning coffee. The key is to only do the one thing at a time, and that can be harder than it sounds. We tend to distract ourselves with noise from the TV or radio, eat while watching TV or reading, or “multitask”, which just means we try to do multiple things at once but really just switch back and forth between tasks, often decreasing our efficiency in the process. That’s another topic for another time. But wherever you are, you can take a deep breath and feel the air move through you. You can notice what you’re doing. And you can experience the moments as they happen, not just looking back and trying to remember how they were. Here’s to your practice in noticing!

What did you notice when you did the exercises? Were you antsy or uncomfortable or was the slowness refreshing? Please share your experiences in the comments below!

NOCOMMENTS

Inspirations, Mind Management

Learning You

No. Just no.

That’s how I felt this morning when I woke up to my husband’s alarm. For once, I didn’t have to be up early and the last week had been full of early mornings and long days. Let me catch you up…

The evil device…

I worked this past weekend overnight on Saturday. Our overnight shifts are 16 hours, which may seem like a long time, but they used to be 24, so I’m not complaining. When I got to the hospital at 4 pm, I learned about our patients in the hospital and sat down at the computer to work on the May schedule before anything could start up. But as soon as I did that, the phone started ringing. Our acute care center was sending me a patient who was bleeding internally and needed emergency surgery. I got it all set up, met her in the OR, and fixed the bleeding. I spent the rest of the night admitting patients, helping my midwife deliver babies, and all the time answering calls. When I handed off the phone in the morning, I had taken 32 separate phone calls. Needless to say, I was ready to get out of there.

Sunday was The Superbowl, and against my better judgement I agreed to host our family group from church to watch the game, hoping I wouldn’t have a hard night at the hospital before the party. Nope. So I slept a little during the day Sunday and held on until after the halftime show, at which time I shut it down and went to bed.

Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday were either catching up on admin work, early meetings and office days, or running around doing emergent cesareans at the hospital. By the time we got home from midweek service on Wednesday night, I was toast. The original plan was to leave town Thursday afternoon for the weekend, but plans changed and suddenly I had some free time. Free time – what’s that? So I thought I’d catch up on all the different projects and ideas I’d been wanting to work on. I started making my lists.

Usually making lists helps me get a grip on all the thoughts swirling around in my head, to feel less like I’m going to miss getting something crucial done. Unfortunately, this time I just got completely overwhelmed. When did all this stuff come up? How did I get so far behind? So when the alarm went off in the morning, I wanted to go on strike. Instead, I got up, made some hard boiled eggs in the Instant Pot for the kid’s breakfast, and gathered all my stuff.

See those piles?

And then I decided I didn’t want to do any of it. Or maybe I did, but I couldn’t decide what to do first, because I couldn’t do it all in one day. And who decided that it all had to get done today? Did I really just create this whole mess in my mind from the gift of a couple of free days? In the midst of my mental gymnastics, I had one of those quiet, nagging, not-from-my-own-mind thoughts: What would you do right now if you did what you wanted?

I didn’t like that question. I tried to avoid it. Really, who has time to think about what I want to do when I have free time, because I never have free time, right? That was the problem. I actually did have free time and I didn’t know what to do with it except fill it up with lots of things that needed to be done. That’s what I always do. If I’m not working for work, I’m working for home and family, or I’m working on a project or course or training or something. And they’re all good things. But if I don’t know what I really enjoy, what’s fun or exciting or entertaining or interesting to me, then the who-I-am gets lost behind the what-I-do.

Who I am or what I do?

A lot of women feel this way. We spend so much time being producers – the working and teaching and care-taking and giving and serving that we do for others are all ways we produce. We begin to identify ourselves with the roles we play and the service we provide. I think this is why many women feel lost when their children leave home for college or work life. A very important role they’ve played is ending, or at least changing dramatically. Sometimes, we can’t remember who we were before all the responsibilities, and we don’t know what or who we are now. Years of being too busy doing life instead of living life can do that to you.

What’s the alternative? If we’re not producing, then we’re consuming. I can sometimes feel like that’s dirty – that’s taking. Aren’t I supposed to be giving? That has just got to be selfish, right? It’s almost as if I can feel like I’m taking enough by being around and taking up space and breathing. Maybe I’m alone here, but it feels like I’m being self indulgent by doing things that are just for my pleasure. Like reading a novel. Not a book for growth and mind expansion – just a quick and easy crime drama. Or watching a movie. I don’t do that very often, but I really do like the superhero movies. And if Perry didn’t love them too and make me go, I’d probably never see one in the theater. That’s kind of sad. What’s wrong with enjoying my life?

Besides, you’d never starve yourself and think you should run a marathon. You have to put something in to get something out. It can’t all be potato chips and candy – that’s not good fuel! A little here and there is fine just for fun.There’s also plenty of consumption that’s also important and good for me AND that I enjoy – like reading the stacks of books I have on personal growth and leadership and vulnerability and emotional eating and herbal remedies and essential oils (those are just the ones I’m working through now!). I also love how I feel practicing yoga and going for walks outside. I love bubble baths and candles and sitting by a crackling fire. Smart TV with political themes and intelligent dialogue get me involved every time. And I love learning and growing in mindfulness and becoming more present in the moment and less connected to things in my life. All of this together, my productivity AND the wholesome and the “junky” consumption – all of this makes up who I am, the lovely and quirky, the beautiful and unique and strange. It’s me, and there’s not another like me out there. Just like there’s only one of you.

Here’s a thought: what if each of us are created for an particular, extraordinary, individual purpose to fulfill here during our lives? I don’t mean famous or meant to influence lots of other people. I mean that our being, the self we are designed to be is intended to move others who connect with us. But in order for that express purpose to be met, we have to be the unique being we are here to be. We have to know who we are to live out our intended being. Life and busyness and pain and self protection can make us hide and forget. We have to remember.

If we can each let our special original self emerge to share with the world, what might life be like? What wonder might we become?

2COMMENTS

Inspirations, Mind Management

Change And Growth

What a day!

It seems like there have been a lot of ups and downs in my life recently. It feels like I’ve been riding a roller coaster. And while rides in an amusement park can be exhilarating and fun, somehow it doesn’t seem quite as entertaining when it’s happening in real life…

It was just a few weeks ago that I was devastated by realizing some major change in my character that needed to happen to help my marriage (low). Then I went on my solo retreat and experienced some wonderful revelations about my path forward (high). Then I returned home to homeowner disaster after disaster and flood recovery (low). Today I started working with my tech genius guru on an online course for weight loss that I want to create (high).

And just this morning I woke up excited about a possible new opportunity for work (high), only to be devastated when the offer to interview was withdrawn (low). I feel like I can’t keep up!

Life is full of change. When I was younger, I thought that one day when my formal education was over and I had a job and a family of my own, the roller coaster of my life would slow down. Silly me! Adding career and relationship responsibilities only adds to the complexities we face from life. Whether you’re married or single, as we grow and change, so do our relationships and responsibilities. I don’t know why I thought things would get easier – I think I spent so much time wanting to be grown when I was a kid that I romanticized the whole adulthood thing. Why didn’t I listen when people told me to enjoy being a child?

I’m trying to think about it differently. The movie Groundhog Day came to mind today. I mean really, how awful would it be to wake up every day to the exact same day, over and over again? How tedious, how predictable, how boring! On the other hand, sometimes I think boredom is underrated. I chose my very high stakes career in OB GYN because it was more exciting than other specialties. Some days I would welcome a little routine day. But even if work were even-keeled, the four kids and being married brings its own degree of excitement and uncertainty. When I add all that to the ups and down of my own thoughts and the unexpected twists and turns of living life here on earth, my head is spinning. I want to get off the ride now!

I’m not a big fan of change. I don’t think I handle it very well. You’d think that an obstetrician would be well equipped for uncertainty, but interestingly I find that most of us like to be in control and therefore really don’t welcome the unexpected as much as you’d think. I am however, learning to think differently and surrender control (at least more quickly than I have in the past!).

Let me tell you about what I’m doing. First I’m learning to recognize when my thoughts are going off the rails (my husband calls it “catastrophizing”). When I start that cascade of thoughts that lead into a downward spiral, I (usually) stop myself and back up to the original thought. If I can capture it (2 Cor 10:5b), then I can ask myself if the thought is even true. A good example was when the offer for the interview was rescinded. My original thought was, “This is terrible – they don’t want me. This must mean I’m not a good doctor.” See, already spiraling down! But in reality, is it really terrible? Do I really even want this job? Might God have something else better lined up for me that this option needed to be moved out of my way to see? He might…

Second, I’m learning to sit in my discomfort instead of trying to get away from it. When pain comes my way, my first instinct is to work as hard as I can to get away from it. But that’s not the way to work through trouble. The pain festers and grows and doesn’t heal. So I’m learning to lean in to the discomfort. I breathe. I let the pain pass through so I can see it and look at it and let it soften and heal.

Third, I’m leaning on my friends. When I got the news about the interview this afternoon I was in a nail appointment (yes, I love a fresh manicure!). After I worked through the pain of disappointment and the ugly thoughts I was having about it, I called my friend in Austin and shared with her what happened. Sounds like a good idea right? Share your pain with a friend and let them help you through? Sure in theory, but in reality the embarrassment of the situation made me want to keep it to myself. I mean, I had told a few people I was going to interview for this job – what was I going to say now? Despite that, I called her anyway. And just like she always does, she helped me to see the hand of God in it. By the time I hung up, I was resolved and at peace. Nothing had changed except my mind, so everything had changed.

Change is good, and change is hard. Learning to live in the space where change is appreciated in either form is the challenge and the gift. I’m getting lots of practice lately! But I’m grateful, because I’m growing and learning in the process. Right around the corner lies the next call to change, and whether I’m ready or not remains to be seen. But I’ll lean in, work through it, and depend on my friends to get through. And I’ll get better through it all!

What about you? How do you experience change? What do you do to work through the changes that life sends you? Please share in the comments below!

1COMMENTS

Inspirations

Peace In Chaos

Yesterday was the twin’s 10th birthday. It’s a big deal! And since I got back from my retreat it’s just been one thing after another. So I wasn’t going to write a post this week.

But here I am. Let me share my chaos with you.

When I was in Asheville in my little cabin all alone, I spent two days in silence and all five studying my bible, reading, meditating, praying, fasting and doing yoga. I came back to a short work week since the MLK holiday was Monday. Seems like a good setup, right? That’s what I thought.

As soon as I walked in the house things started to happen. I have this wonderful touch faucet in the kitchen that comes on and off when you tap it. I’d brought home all these nice veggies to make cauliflower crust pizza for dinner and I was going to start preparing the ingredients. I touched the faucet and – nothing. The little light came on and off, but no water. Come to find out, it had been acting up while I was away and today was the day it quit for good.

Before I left, the dishwasher stopped draining after we replaced the garbage disposal that died. We had to have the repairman come twice to get the dishwasher working again, which meant a week of doing all the dishes by hand. That wasn’t so bad – we got to teach the kids how to do dishes correctly and they did a pretty good job! After the second dishwasher fix (while I was out of town), a leak started under the kitchen sink and drained down into the finished basement, causing some water damage and prompting a flood recovery company visit and home owner’s insurance claim. When I heard about this while I was in Asheville, I started having a hot flash (no, I’m not perimenopausal yet). My imagination gave me the hot flash! But I quickly calmed down – my husband reassured me that the leaking was stopped and he was on top of it.

So when I told him about the faucet’s demise, he took that in stride and got under the sink immediately to try to fix it, When this was unsuccessful, he added this to the plumber visit that was due in two days. I made plans for us to go out to dinner and boiled some water for dishwashing.

Dinner, anyone?

Tuesday was a day of administration and meetings. I went to the office and worked on on April schedule, met with my website guru and my book editor, and had my shoulder tendonitis worked on at the chiropractor. It didn’t seem like it would be a heavy day, but it flew by and I was exhausted at the end. But when I got home, the water was running again, even though the touch feature couldn’t be repaired and a replacement was coming.

Wednesday was the hospital and when I got ready to leave my house at 6 am, I couldn’t find my hospital badge. Let me explain the impact here: No hospital badge means I can’t get around the hospital. Many places in the hospital are locked without the badge – the parking decks, the OR, the call rooms, the elevator to the call rooms, the doctor’s dining room, the stairwells. So this was a problem. Now, I don’t lose things, but with all the running around the day before, I thought maybe I left it on my desk at the office. I detoured by my office and no badge. I couldn’t go back home and search more because the traffic would get worse and I’d be late, which is an absolute no-can-do when your partner has been working 16 hours overnight and you’re their relief. So I got back on the road and called the house supervisor, who told me to get a temporary badge from security when I arrived, which I did.

When I took over at 8 am, labor and delivery was wide open. The 48 hours preceding my arrival had anywhere from 10-14 patients in labor at any given time, so there was a lot still happening when I got there. I hustled through the day, got out of there and into traffic and onto a coaching call at 5:30 pm. I finished up the call, ran through the shower, grabbed a piece of my keto pizza and ate in the car on the way to midweek service. I was so tired, I struggled to stay awake for service (and it was a good class!).

Thursday was back to the city for surgery. I did the surgery, ran by the Trader Joe’s grocery near the surgery center, drove back to the office and tried to finish the April schedule before our office meeting. After fasting all day and a lovely afternoon of patients, I ran home ready to make that cauliflower crust pizza and break my fast. I knew something was wrong as soon as I got out of the car. As I approached the door, a very loud and machine-like sound was happening on the other side of the garage door. I walked into a house full of blowers to dry the water damage. Standing in my kitchen sounded like I was in the midst of a wind tunnel. Did I mention I don’t like noise?

Just a couple of the blowers…

That was enough. After all this, I wanted to check myself into a hotel, go out to a nice quiet dinner, and not come home until the repairs were done. Normally, I would have read my husband the riot act for not warning me about the blower set up and I would have complained the whole time the blowers were in the house. Instead, I went into the kitchen, turned on the oven (which still worked!), and calmly made the cauliflower crust pizza. Among the blowers.

My cauliflower pizza crust!

For sure, I was on edge by the time the kids and Perry got home an hour later – that wind tunnel noise was incredibly annoying. And, I slept on my closet floor that night and the next because it was more quiet than anywhere else in the house. But I got through it. What made the difference?

Friends.

I had three conversations this week that made the difference. On Monday, my friend and her husband met with Perry and I for lunch and we talked and laughed and cried for hours. Certainly this would have been good in any case, but it meant even more because of who this was. This friend has been battling breast cancer for months, going through chemo, surgery, and radiation and is still actively recovering from surgery and continuing her treatments. For her to take time to be with me, for them to make us a priority over all the other friends and family that they have, that was a gift that helped me remember what was truly valuable and not fly off the handle because of the details of a messy life.

I also had a long conversation with a friend of mine from high school. She and I spent tons of time in high school together and have recently reconnected. Now that we’re all grown up with jobs and husbands and children, it’s so funny how we can love and support each other even more than we did in those challenging teenage years! She and I spent time talking about some of the hard and dark thoughts we each had been battling and helped each other through them. Our time reconnected me to the importance of relationship. It helped me rise above the daily grind and noise.

The third gift came in the form of one of my best friends, who arrived from Austin, Texas on Thursday night. She’s part of the reason I didn’t pack up and move to a hotel – I knew she was coming that night! Kacey was my maid of honor, she’s the godmother to our children, and she has the ability to talk me off a ledge like only a true friend can do. I texted her and apologized for the disaster she was coming into, and in true Kacey fashion she immediately texted back: Not a problem, See you soon. I can’t really explain what she did, but she’s one of those people who just becomes an additional family member when they show up, but only in the good ways! We talked about it at dinner last night. We were telling the kids about how I met their Auntie Kacey (they just think she’s been around forever, because for them she has!), and she mentioned that she doesn’t think she asked if she could come to visit for this birthday. She just made the flight reservations and let me know when she’d be here. And that was fine with us. That’s how the friends who are the closest are – they are the family that you choose. They are how we get through. They are the ones we know love us because they want to, because they know enough about us to walk away and they don’t. These three women are the reason this week that I can feel peaceful and grateful, instead of frazzled and frustrated.

Me and my girl

And now on to the birthday party celebration!

Who are the friends that you lean on to hold you up when times are challenging? How did you find the family you choose? Please share your stories in the comments below!

2COMMENTS

Help Getting It Done, Inspirations

Seeing The Vision

At our last family reunion, my cousin who planned the weekend (who is a genius!), scheduled time for anyone interested to make vision boards. We hadn’t talked about it, but she had done one in a group and loved the experience. I had been wanting to make one for years, but had never set aside the time. I gathered my magazines and clippings and packed them up…

It was a great time! The kids gathered around the table and made small boards, and when they got tired of it, they wandered out to the pool with my parents. I got a large board, a stack of magazines, my glue stick and scissors and started cutting. Since I had never done it before, I didn’t know how long it would take. I just knew the topic: Holistic Health. It was the direction I was headed and I wanted some visual inspiration. Long after the kids left, I was still cutting away. My husband came down and started a board of his own. Hours later (they were setting up lunch!), my board was finished. I don’t think it was supposed to take that long. But I loved it!

My Vision Board!

I brought the board home and encountered the first problem – where should it live? You’re supposed to be able to see it, right? But it was huge and had no where to be that wouldn’t seem cluttered, so it ended up in my pantry office. You’d think I’d see it there whenever I went to work in my office, but I don’t. Let me explain: The reason why it’s called a pantry office is because it really is a pantry. The basement pantry. It’s a great room as a bomb shelter or if there’s a hurricane – we could all sit in there and snack away while we sit safely protected from a storm. But there are no windows, and except in the dark days of winter, I don’t really like spending time in a cave like that. Also, my desk chair isn’t very comfortable. So even though I have very beautiful and inspirational things in the space, I don’t spend much time in there. So the vision board sat, alone and unwatched.

Can’t see all the pantry stuff, huh?

I went in there the other day as I was preparing for this solo retreat and pulled it out. It bothered me that I had all this fire and joy that I poured into this board and it was sitting ignored in the corner. That’s not what it was for! So I propped it up across from my side of the bed where I’d see it. Every morning and every night I’d look at it, rereading the words and wondering what it was supposed to be inspiring in me. As I packed up the car to leave, I figured I’d have time on my retreat to meditate on it. So I propped it up in the trunk with the bag of books and journals.

Some of my books and journals…

These days away have been precious. They’ve been hard too, because I’ve been working through some old thoughts that needed to be broken down and rebuilt. But in the midst of my silence and prayers and meditations, the board has been sitting there. And I questioned why I brought it. This time was really for reflection and listening, for journaling and bible study. It wasn’t time for career ideas, right? Was it a distraction, something to draw me away from why I was really there? I thought this was supposed to be a serious spiritual retreat!

Actually, I really didn’t know what I was supposed to be doing on this time away. I didn’t make a plan, because I always make plans. The concept was to let God make the plan, and for me to practice following. I knew enough to bring my bible and journals, some books and my yoga mat. But I didn’t know what would come from spending days alone. Last October was the first time I did a retreat like this, when I went to the beach in South Carolina. But that time there were still people around, wandering the beach, talking and spending time together. This time I planned a mountain getaway in a secluded little cabin. What if I got bored? Lonely? Cabin fever or snowed in – it is winter in the mountains!

In the end, who really knows what will come from this time away. But I know this – I’ve gotten lots of sleep, I feel gratitude for my life and family, and I have moved forward the work on me that needed to be done. And, when I woke up this morning, I finally had the idea for what I want to teach. I’ve felt for a long time that my medical practice and my holistic health coaching need to be utilized together, but I couldn’t figure out my message, my program to teach. There is so much to whole health and no one can coach it all at once. And I knew I didn’t want to keep practicing medicine without the holistic approach. While I laid there looking at the ceiling this morning, the idea came. The more I turned it around in my mind, the more full and clear it became. It was an answered prayer to the questions I’d been asking – God, what do you want me to say?

Now, all I have to do is bring the idea to life! Well, I know that may take some time and will certainly take some work, but it’s fun to have the idea. The best part is that I’m absolutely certain that this was only a little piece of the retreat. The idea is a joy, but the greatest gift so far has been the renewing of my faith in the love of God for me. I’m just getting started here. There’s more to come!

Have you ever done a vision board? What did you do with it or how did it help you? Please share in the comments below!

NOCOMMENTS

Inspirations, Mind Management

A Time Such As This

Happy New Year!

It feels strange to me every year to change over to the next year. 2019 – just looks odd written down to me! Now that all the presents are opened and the merry making is over, it’s time to pack up all the decorations and get started with this fresh new year. What? You’ve already taken all your decorations down? Well, I’m behind then. By the time we got done with Christmas and my parents’ time visiting and my oldest girl’s birthday, I was not ready to put away all the stuff. Then Perry got a cold and all those boxes in the garage for the decorations had to wait. I went back to work on the 31st and spent New Year’s Eve laying on the couch watching the ball drop.

New Year is a weird, conflicted time of year for me. On one hand, I love the feeling of a fresh start, a brand new beginning, the hope of something wonderful ahead. But I also feel pressure to catch up, get stuff done, make that amazing thing happen with the new year. I have this nagging sense that I missed the year behind and am starting the new year already playing catch up. Did I accomplish the goals and dreams from last year? Have I grown in any significant way from who I was a year ago? Why is my storage space still so full of junk that I probably should have given away two years ago? What am I supposed to be doing this year and do I have enough time to get it all done? Now that I think about it, January has felt like this before. I hear other people making resolutions (which I don’t do – read last year’s post on this), and I feel like I should have some specific goal I’m working toward too.

That line of thinking is crazy-making. But I think there’s someone other than me feels the same way, right? I’m pretty sure I’m not alone here. So I decided to take some time (that I didn’t feel like I had) and reflect. I’m really bad at that. My tendency is to barrel through life at full speed, packing in as many events and to-dos as I can get done before I fall out in the bed at night. Unfortunately, that means when I look up, I don’t remember much. I missed the moments.

So I got up around sunrise on January 1st and started reading my journal entries from 2018. I don’t write every day, but I try to write the significant stuff down, ’cause I’ll forget it in a New York minute. The hours before the Rose parade were taken up with reading, meditating, and writing down the 2019 scriptures God gave me. I’ve been doing this the last few years, and it’s been wonderful to keep my mind focused on growing where He’s directing me.

The rest of the day after the parade flew by with feeding and watering children. When I looked up, it was time to go to bed. But I knew I wasn’t finished whatever I was preparing, which aggravated me because I wanted to get started on “doing” 2019. But I didn’t know what to do – I still needed to wait. It was hard and I had to fight to stay in the chair, but I sat and patterned in a journal and did some sand therapy in my mini sandbox.

It’d be nice if I could tell you I’m all better now and that I feel peaceful and ready with a plan for 2019. But I can’t. I’m going to have to take more time to let go of my need to plan and control, because the plan I want to live out this year isn’t mine at all. And I’ll get that plan (or at least the next step) when God wants me to have it. That’s hard, because I want to set the schedule, I want to make the timetable. What I really need this year though, is to grow in my faith. Faith that trusts the timing as it unfolds. Faith that allows time to grow. Faith that will wait.

I waited a long time for this to bloom!

So I’ll color and pattern and walk and listen. And when the next step comes, I’ll take it. I’m looking forward to 2019!

What about you? How do you approach the new year? Please share in the comments below!

4COMMENTS

4COMMENTS

Meditating In The Moment

Christmas has come and gone again! Now onto birthday season…

The first of the kids’ birthday is Sunday, and the next three follow in January. I’m done shopping for birthday gifts, the party planning for the twin’s 10th birthday is underway, and everyone is enjoying their Christmas gifts. It was a good Christmas at the Parks home. But that doesn’t mean everything was picture perfect. Let me share it with you…

Remember when I said last week that I was going to watch a Christmas movie on Christmas Eve instead of staying up late wrapping presents? Well, that didn’t happen. I did get all the presents wrapped early and the movie plan was still on, but then we decided to go out to dinner on Christmas Eve. We waited more than an hour for a table and the food took an hour to come, so by the time we got home it was a mad dash to put out the cookies for Santa and shuffle the kids to bed. They were instructed to stay in their rooms until 8 am or later with the stockings they knew were coming from Santa. I went to the basement to do one last thing, and watched a few minutes of stand up comedy. Not quite what I had in mind…

Before dawn on Christmas morning I woke up, still sleepy. I was tempted to turn over and go back to sleep, but I heard that small voice. Didn’t I ask for some quiet time before the busy morning started? So, I crept downstairs to the sunroom and sat in the corner chair with the space heater pointed at my feet. I sat quietly, listening to God and thinking about the gift of Jesus. I waited until the sun rose enough so I could see the words on the pages of my book and read until the kids came down. I put the Christmas breakfast casserole in the oven and we made some coffee for the grownups. The Christmas cookie stars we had left over from Santa were sugar free and low carb, so I let them eat the cookies with their breakfast (they thought they were getting away with a special treat!). We played Christmas music and opened presents. It was a mostly happy morning, with excitement over the gifts and only a little confusion and chaos.

In the sunroom at sunrise…

After the gift opening was done, the kids wandered around playing with their toys and I laced up my sneakers. It was a beautiful sunny day, and I wanted to get some air. As I was getting ready to go, an argument broke out and the little one started crying. She couldn’t do whatever it was that the big kids were doing and she was frustrated. So I gathered her in my arms and whispered that if she didn’t tell the big kids (they’d be sad they couldn’t go), then she could walk with me. She brightened up and ran off for her sneakers.

I didn’t think she would be able to keep up with me (I walk fast!). But I think she could have gotten to the end of the neighborhood and back before me if I’d let her go as fast as she wanted. She mostly ran the whole way and kept circling back to me. We saw our neighbors pushing strollers and walking dogs and greeted each with a smile and “Merry Christmas!”. I love spending that one-on-one time with the kids. It’s one of the few times I get to hear what they think individually. And the little one never stops talking! It was a peaceful walk.

Now, I did what I said I would and ordered most of our dinner from Whole Foods. I made my own gluten free mac and cheese, cornbread stuffing, gravy and cranberry sauce, but I’d done that all in advance, so I didn’t have any real cooking to do. I was skeptical about the prepared meal from the store, but I was shocked at how good it was! Not like the Whole Foods buffet at all. And instead of being in the kitchen all afternoon, I spent about an hour warming and putting out the food. Even though everyone enjoyed the food and it was tons easier, my oldest quietly came to me later and said she really liked my cooking best. So I’ll still probably cook most things for our holiday and Sunday dinners, but it’s nice to know that I have options if I need to work a holiday or just don’t want to cook it all. Time to eat!

Then we hit a snag. The kids started fighting about who was first to serve their plate, one got an attitude after being corrected, and Daddy went off to do some more in depth counseling with the frustrated child. I was helping get everyone settled when I realized that they hadn’t come back to the kitchen to eat. Now, I was getting frustrated! Maybe I didn’t cook everything, but I did make sure it was all hot at the same time and now the food was getting cold. If they didn’t get downstairs soon, Christmas dinner would be ruined.

So I walked upstairs to see if I could help with the resolution and save Christmas dinner. I opened the bedroom door and walked into a standoff. And that’s when I made a crucial mistake: I tried to soften the situation and speed up the resolution. Needless to say, my husband did not need my help and was offended that I tried to intervene. With some quick backpedalling and apologies, I left them to find their resolution. With that, I made my plate and went to the table to find the oldest two girls finished and away from the table, one with a stomachache from eating too fast. I gave up on having dinner all together on Christmas.

Every moment isn’t fun and exciting and joyful. Some of the moments are disappointing and hard. I find myself trying to get away from the discomfort of the difficult moments by looking for a solution or a fix. It was interesting to watch the kids during this week with them – they’re doing the same thing. They are looking for one good moment to follow the next, and they have very little tolerance for boredom or frustration. I took away a toy from one of them who wouldn’t help when asked, because the toy was more interesting than helping out. When I asked that irritated little person what they thought they should do, the answer I got was “Go read.” Which is a loved activity in this house. I thought it was very telling that instead of understanding that an apology was next, the thought was to substitute another activity for the one that had just been taken away. We do it too – watch TV, movies, videos, read books, do something distracting instead of figuring out how to live in the discomfort of the hard moment. When I offended my husband, I wanted to figure out how to smooth it over as fast as possible. But instead I went, made my apology, acknowledged my mistake, and stepped back and waited. I had to take a few deep breaths – this was not going the way I wanted it! I needed to wait and meditate through it. Sometimes, that’s what we need, even more than for the discomfort to go away. We need to sit and be uncomfortable for a minute, breathe, and know it will pass. And it will, even without distractions, alcohol, or other escapes.

In the end, it all worked out. Daddy and the errant child worked everything out, and then came to me and we all hugged. Daddy called the big girls back to the table and everyone sat down to Christmas dinner together. We enjoyed my mom’s homemade lemon meringue pie and watched the rest of White Christmas together before bed. Daddy did the dishes (yay!), and there were plenty of leftovers for another day. It was actually a wonderful day!

What do you do when you have difficult moments? Do you self medicate with distractions? Please share in the comments below!

Inspirations, Mind Management

2COMMENTS

Inspirations, Mind Management

Risk and Respect

I think I’m done.

Christmas is 4 days away and I think I’m done with my preparations. I walked out of the last store this morning, and when the realization hit me that I didn’t need to get anything else, I took such a deep breath I almost missed the curb. It’s not that I don’t have anything left to do and I’ll be sitting at home with my feet up watching movies. But the major work is done: the gifts are mailed and delivered, the rest of the gifts are in the house and wrapped, the dinner is ordered, the decorating is done, and I have one more day in the hospital before I stop working for a week. Other than the final grocery shopping and a little bit of cooking, everything major is done. I might actually get to see that Christmas eve movie I’ve planning to watch!

I felt so good when I left the store that I immediately started feeling more relaxed and rested. It helped that it was also my day off. The next thought that came to my mind was very strange: What nice thing can I do for my husband?

For my husband? Seems a little odd, since I’d been feeling like the work of Christmas was mine. But follow me on this one. Yes, it’s true that the Christmas dinner plans and the gift shopping/wrapping/mailing was mostly my doing, but there was a reason that my mind said that he needed something kind done for him. I hadn’t been treating him the way I should have been in all this holiday prep. I’d been complaining about all the work on my shoulders and and fussing about the mess in the house and acting like he wasn’t doing his share. I was tired and overwhelmed and frustrated and disrespectful.

My wrapping station…

Women, hear me on this: If you want to be sure to tear down your relationship with your husband, be disrespectful. We’ve been so socialized to believe that respect is earned that we insist that our husbands prove that they are worthy of our respect before we give it to them. And sometimes they aren’t living up to our standard of what we think they should be as husbands or fathers, so we withhold our respect until they decide to meet our standard. But here’s the problem with that: We expect to be loved unconditionally, but we have a hard time giving respect unconditionally. We all need love and respect, but as women our primary need is for unconditional love. We’d be horrified if our husband said we needed to earn his love! But a man’s primary need is for respect. Ask him which (love or respect) he’d rather have if he had to choose. I’ll bet you he chooses respect. So if unconditional respect is what he needs (not unconditional acceptance of poor behaviors – not the same thing), then that’s what we need to give. And I hadn’t been doing that recently, and my lack of respect was causing lots of conflict.

The hardest thing I did this week was apologize to my husband for my lack of respect. Not the surgery I performed, not managing my office, not giving performance reviews, not handling the kids, not getting up early when I was tired, but making a humble apology. I wanted to know in advance that he’d respond with an understanding that I was feeling alone and overworked, that my attitude hadn’t bothered him, and that he was just looking for ways to get involved and lighten my load. I didn’t know if he’d say any of that. Really, it didn’t matter to me if he said any of that – I just wanted him to do all that. He might just tell me that it was my idea to do all of this and he never signed up for any of it. He could point out that it wasn’t his plans that were making me miserable. But no matter what he said or did, it didn’t change the fact that he deserved my respect, I hadn’t been giving it, and I needed to apologize. So I swallowed my pride, looked up into his eyes, and apologized for being disrespectful.

The truth is that he is doing plenty that deserves my respect. He took time out of his work day to take the kids to do their Christmas shopping. He’s been taking them to Tae Kwan Do two to three times a week all semester without me. He cleared his office to make our extra guest space available again, just in time for the holidays. He made a masterpiece of a 2019 family calendar to go out for Christmas gifts. He’s been consistently addressing unacceptable child behavior whenever he’s observed it. This is the man who taught them to roller skate, ride bikes, and make bacon and waffles for Saturday breakfast. He’s smart too – he recently taught himself to solve a Rubik’s cube, something I’ve never been able to do. He can see insights in the scriptures and make them understandable in a way that is truly gifted. He loves people and is willing to make time for them in a way that is rare. He’s a good man, a good husband, and a good father. He’s not the problem.

Working away at home…

My thinking is the problem. When I am feeling overworked and overwhelmed, I can choose to look for what he’s not doing to help me and be angry with him, or I can look for another way to see the situation. The first option makes me critical, irritated, and quick to blame, which comes across every time as disrespectful. As far as the holidays are concerned, most of what I do for Christmas is what I’ve decided needs to be done. In fifteen years, I don’t think he’s ever asked for a specific dinner, decorating scheme, or for gifts to be done a certain way for the kids. We could probably order pizza on Christmas and he’d be fine with it – I don’t think he really cares! I get upset because I make plans and expect him to jump in and help me. When he doesn’t, I’m disappointed.

But I don’t have to be. I could discuss my plans in advance and ask him to share the load. If he says yes, we can divide and conquer. Or I can eliminate any nonessential or undesirable things that I don’t really want to do. Then whatever is left, I’ve chosen and can be happy to do them. I am in control of my mind, my mind is not in charge of me. I choose to think about this home, this marriage, this family as a gift and not a mess to manage or a list of things to get done. I choose to respect my husband because I love him and God asks me to (Ephesians 5:33). Christmas is the time we remember the promise that came in his son Jesus coming to live among us. If I get to be the receiver of that miraculous gift, I can give my honor and respect and obedience to God, and as I follow his command to respect my husband.

Have you ever struggled to give respect to your husband because you think he should earn it? When you’ve been respectful, has that helped your relationship? How do you show respect to your husband when you are frustrated? I’d love to hear how you do this well!

Here’s to a peaceful, loving, and joyful Christmas to you!

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