Category Archives: Inspirations

NOCOMMENTS

Am I Gonna Go There?

I think I’m going through a phase…

About a year ago, I told my husband that I wanted to put a layer of red in my hair. Not anything permanent, mind you, but the trend toward fun colors in hair was back and I wanted to color the bottom half of my hair. I thought it would be fun, and maybe a little edgy. His comment? Actually, I thought it was rude, but funny. He said that he figured I’d never had a “rachet” phase in my life, so it was okay if I did it now. I punched him in the arm.

After I went to my hair stylist and figured out that what I really wanted would require stripping my hair, I started looking for alternative options. Of course, social media obliged and I found a washable colored hair wax. I bought red, blue, purple, white, and gold.

Yep, it’s blue. Actually, this one isn’t my favorite – I like the red and the gold reminds me of the blond highlights I had when I was in college. The colors have been fun and funky, but still not something I’d make permanent. If you’ve been reading this blog for awhile, you’ve also probably seen my intention tattoos that I wear on my arms. Now, I don’t have any issue with real tattoos, but I don’t want permanent ink in my skin, just like I don’t want permanent color in my hair. Part of the issue is that I don’t want the exposure to the chemicals (there’s emerging info about hair chemical and a link to breast cancer), but also I just don’t have anything that I’d want to permanently etch into my skin. But temporary reminders based on how I want to think or be? That’s something I can use!

Last week I was preparing to go to my grandmother’s memorial service, making lists and packing. During a break, I was fooling around on a temporary tattoo website and I found one that made me think of my grandmother. She was a ballet dancer, and her spirit just left this world a few weeks ago. The image of a dancer inside the wings of a bird spoke to me, so I ordered it. I figured I’d wear it for the memorial service in her honor. She was 97 years old when she died.

When the tattoo arrived in the mail I was so excited! I’d used this brand before, but the application process was completely different. So I looked up the instruction video, followed the instructions, and applied the tattoo to my arm. It works kind of like henna, where you put the ink on your skin and the color develops fully in the next 24-36 hours. The directions said to avoid any excessive movement of sweating during the application, so I sat down to watch a documentary with the kids and wait quietly as instructed for 1 hour for the tattoo to develop.

Then my husband called.

I jumped up and left the room – I think it’s rude to talk on the phone while others are trying to listen to a show, so I wen into the kitchen to take the call. I saw the roses I bought earlier in day waiting to be cut and arranged, so while I was talking to him, I started on the flowers. In the middle of the call, I realized that I felt hot under the tattoo plastic wrap. I stopped what I was doing and sat back down to cool off, but it was too late – the tattoo ink was spreading under the wrap. I took it off and went to be hoping it wasn’t as bad as I thought, but in the morning the ink had developed into a blurry, fuzzy, indistinct dark mess.

Arrggghhh!

I was furious. It was completely my fault for not following instructions, but now I had this mess on my arm for the next 2 weeks, which wouldn’t generally be as big of an issue (just wear long sleeves), but I was going to the memorial service in Florida. To 80 degree weather. And, a little tattoo reminder of my grandmother is one thing – but this mess? I felt like a freak, getting ready to go to work to see patients with blue hair and a tattoo colored smear on my arm.

At first, I was just angry. I emailed the company to ask for suggestions for how to get it to fade more quickly. Then I tried to exfoliate my arm skin, which only made my arm itchy and red around the dark tattoo smudge. So I got a huge bandaid and covered as much as I could so it wouldn’t be seen when I pushed up my sleeves to examine patients through the day.

Then I tried to make the best of it. I showed the kids the messy tattoo and reminded them of the importance of following directions. I figured I was a good object lesson! Really though, I was still upset. Why didn’t I just sit there and be cool until the time was up? Then I started thinking the patients would see me in some sort of judgemental way, so I started feeling defensive. I had been going for cool and edgy, not full out crazy! The day ahead started to look negative and ugly, but I had to go anyway. So I went.

You know what saved me from spiraling totally out of control? I started thinking differently about it. I wish I could say it was a completely smooth, no issue kind of day, but it wasn’t. I reminded myself that I was washing the blue color out soon. Eventually, the mark on my arm would fade, and maybe the company would email me back with some suggestions for how to speed that process up. Even if I looked a little funky, I was still the same powerful, knowledgeable, excellent physician and my patients would be cared for in the best way – even with blue hair and the tattoo mistake. I got dressed in an outfit that complimented the blue shade in my hair and went to work.

I had a couple of moments through the day where I didn’t handle the normal crazy of the office with as much grace as I’d have liked. But they were rare, and certainly nowhere near what they could have been or would have been before I started actively managing my thoughts. I’m so grateful I’m learning how to manage my thinking, because I know the kind of day I would have created for myself when I let my brain control me. I didn’t get any magical suggestions from the tattoo company, but the bandaid worked well. Interestingly, several of my patients commented how much they liked the blue hair, and my nurses and colleagues also thought it was fun. It all worked out in the end.

For grandma…

Have you ever created a disaster of a day by the way you started the day? How’d you turn it around? Please share in the comments below!

NOCOMMENTS

Inspirations, Mind Management, Top 15 Weight Loss Posts

How Practice Cures Frustration

Girl. I almost pulled all my hair out this morning dealing with my son. He should have been the one who almost ended up bald. Let me tell you the story…

It all started a couple of years ago when we bought Chrome books for the three oldest kids to do their schoolwork. They had just started a grammar/writing course in their homeschool program, and our one desktop wasn’t going to be enough to allow them all to get the work done at the same time. Of course, I was concerned about what kind of parental controls would be on the machines to protect them from unsavory content on the internet, but my husband made sure that the limits that could be set were in place before we set them up on their individual laptops.

It has been a struggle ever since. Even though we designated the computers for school work, we’ve found kids sitting in an out-of-the-way place in the house on their laptop, they’ve figured out how to instant message their friends (no kid in our house has a phone), and they take any opportunity to play on a website or fool around finding funny memes. It’s not as though they’re spending lots of time on sites that are unsanctioned; but they want to spend every free moment on a screen. We haven’t caught anyone looking at explicit content (yet), but because they do tend to be sneaky and try to hide their screen or close pages when an adult is around, I’m concerned that they’re going to stumble into something on the web that’s too mature or even outright dangerous. We even took away their password login so that only we or their teacher could log them on to the computer. It’s been a lot.

Today when our teacher came in, she mentioned that she was having the kids write out the drafts of their writing assignments because she was concerned about their lack of transparency with the laptop use. My son immediately developed an attitude. When I asked him what was happening, he clammed up and wouldn’t talk, but it was clear that he was frustrated with the whole thing. Of course, I couldn’t just let that ride. We sat down where I expressed to him in no uncertain terms that we would work this out until we came to a resolution: He is worth it to me, even if it wrecks our morning. We spent the next hour and a half talking about his concerns, pride, sin, honesty, safety on the internet, freedom and responsibility, and wisdom. In the end, his concern about the lack of efficiency of hand writing papers was addressed, my stance on internet safety was clear, and the connection between trust and transparency was reviewed. We prayed and he got back to his schoolwork with a lighter heart and happier disposition.

Back to work…

One of the best parts of the conversation was the part about his fear of being inefficient in his work. Even at age 11, he’s concerned about protecting his free time. Now, this boy has a strong work ethic and generally is good about getting his assignments done. I’m very clear on my standard; Work first, play after. And he generally follows that guideline. The thought of having to hand write drafts of his papers for school instead of being able to revise a typed copy threatened his belief that he could get the work done before the weekend and have his weekend time for more fun things. In his mind, he was going to be typing papers every weekend of the semester instead of having free time to read, play video games with his dad, go bike riding or roller skating, and his life was spiraling out of control into drudgery. Yes, this is a very dramatic scenario to dream up.

But we do the same thing as adults. How many times have you looked at your schedule and decided that the whole day was shot because the tasks ahead were too much for the hours you had to work. Or looked at your bank account and thought you might never be able to afford a vacation again, at least not a good one? Or stepped on the scale and just knew that you were always going to be losing the weight loss battle so you might as well quit trying? My point is this: Just like my son, all those observations are not fact – they are thoughts . Even if they feel true to us (and my son was convinced his thoughts were true), they are just sentences in our minds. And we can change them.

When we worked through the understanding that his thoughts were not circumstances, I asked him whether he liked how he felt when he felt those thoughts. And when he admitted that he did not, I reminded him that he was the only one in control of his thoughts. While his brain is efficient and would likely continue to try to think these thoughts again, he could choose new thoughts to think. I asked him if he thought the new thoughts would be easier to think than the old ones – he said no. When I asked him how we think new thoughts, he gave the answer we all need: Practice!

It’s so funny that this was the conversation today. One of my partners at work wanted us to do some activities for physician wellness next week. So I’ve been thinking about what things most contribute to physician burnout, and what things have helped me the most in feeling balanced and happy at work. And while the list of things that contribute to physician burnout and the mass exodus of practicing physicians in certain fields, what has helped me has been more individual than institutional. I can’t change the institutions I work in, at least not quickly. But I can breathe, I can stretch and connect to my body throughout the day, and I can manage my mind and how I think about the work I have in front of me. Those things help me, so I thought my contribution to physician wellness week would be reminders to do those things throughout the day.

Little reminders…

The thing that consistently makes us miserable is the way we choose to think. It may be that circumstances can change, but if the thoughts we have are unconscious and in control of us, then we live in a constant state of misery of our own making. If we can learn to think thoughts that are helpful and constructive (this takes practice!), then we can create the environment in which we live. I can look at a slam-packed, double booked schedule and decide my whole day is going to be hell on wheels, or I can choose to think that I will help a lot of people that day. I can believe the thought that I have no control over my schedule , or I can believe that I have some control over my schedule and how my day goes. The first thought leaves me feeling hopeless and unmotivated, the second allows my brain to look for creative solutions to help my day flow as I’d like. It’s all in what I choose to think. My thoughts will determine how I feel and motivate me to take (or NOT take) action. No, I don’t control the circumstances, but they’re not what make me miserable. My thinking does that.

And I don’t mean to suggest that you can go from thinking, “My day is going to hell in a hand basket”, to “My day is sunshine and rainbows!”. But you can choose a thought that you believe. Maybe your next thought is, “I am trained to handle this work.” Or it could be, “Whatever happens today, I will go home and enjoy my fuzzy socks and a mug of hot tea in front of the fire at the end of it.” How about this one – “I enjoy talking to/working with/accomplishing the tasks I have to do.” I don’t know what thoughts you can choose to believe. But you do! And when you move away from the thoughts that make you miserable, you can continue to choose more thoughts that make you feel supported, motivated, and cared for.

You can do this at home too. You could be thinking that no one ever helps you around the house. Or, you could choose to think that you are loved and your kids are getting better at emptying the dishwasher without you reminding them (even if the laundry is overflowing the baskets!). You can choose to think that your house is a wreck and you hate coming home to a mess everyday. Or you could choose to believe that you are training your kids to keep a common environment that supports everyone, even if it’s not all the way there yet. You might even choose to believe what older moms tell you, that you’ll miss the mess when they’re gone (I’m still not sure about this one, but I’m trying to believe it!).

You are not your mind – you are the master of your mind. You can choose to think the way that supports you. You might need to write those new thoughts down again and again. Or make sticky notes to put up on your mirror or near your bed to remind you. The more you see the new thought, the more you will find the new way of thinking to becoming more natural. Just know that it takes practice and persistence to teach your brain new way of thinking. You can do it!

Have you ever realized that your thoughts are producing your feelings? How do you feel when you realize you can control the experience of your life by managing your thoughts? Please share in the comments below!

NOCOMMENTS

Blog, Inspirations

A Decade In Review

Have you ever looked back over a year or two in your life? How about five years? Ever look back over a decade?

I almost never look back over the time that’s past in my life. It’s always go, go, go, from one thing to the next. Even when there are big milestones like graduations, my wedding, passing boards, I’ve been generally more focused on what’s to follow than where I’ve been or how I arrived to this place. Really, I think it’s almost abnormal how future minded I am. It seems like something I’ve decided to be proud of, like my mentality keeps me moving into more success and accomplishment, as if constantly moving on is the way I keep from being lazy.

But when I don’t take the time to experience the milestones, when I’m rushing through my life, I’m not actually living my life. I’m living in the future, which never actually arrives. I was listening to a podcast recently where the creator did a decade in review of her life and business and I thought, Wow – where was I ten years ago? How much has changed? You know, sometimes I can’t remember what I did yesterday, so my brain immediately tried to stop me from even trying to remember the past ten years, telling me I wouldn’t be able to remember that far back! But when I gently asked my mind to think back over these last ten years, some very interesting things started to come up. Let me tell you what I remembered…

Ten years ago, I hadn’t gotten to the big 4-0 yet. I was working full time as an OB/GYN and was mostly trying to figure out how to juggle work and raising a three year old and 1 year old twins. I had just gotten off the pregnancy weight after losing all my weight the first time when the oldest was a toddler. I hadn’t done any holistic nutrition training yet and we were still going through the drive through at McDonald’s after church for chicken mcnuggets for the kids because I was overwhelmed trying to feed three hungry little ones after service. I was still breastfeeding the twins. My medical practice was based completely in one county (instead of several like it is now).

We hadn’t started homeschooling yet. The kids were home with a wonderful nanny, and I was on call for 24 hours once a week at a hospital that was three minutes from my house. Since that time, our practice has been at three new hospitals, the latest one an hour and a half from my house in the Atlanta traffic. Back then, I had never done yoga and I didn’t know a thing about meditation, other than to think it was some impossible zen practice I’d never do. I hadn’t begun my grateful list, and I really didn’t know what a gratitude practice would do to change my life. This blog wasn’t even a thought in my mind. Ten years ago, I was finished having babies, my career was on rails (I thought!), and I figured that my husband could go back to school or expand his bible teaching or change jobs or do whatever he wanted, because I was finished changing things for me. Now all I had to do was figure out how to raise these babies!

Obviously, more than that happened over this decade. Now I have a teenager! I also had another baby, who we decided was a miracle gift from God to give my son a brother (the kids reminded me that we called him “Max”). After the ultrasound, we changed her name to Anora, because “Max” didn’t really fit our last baby girl. She’s a little light that I wouldn’t have predicted if you’d asked me about having another baby ten years ago. She’s a reading, talking, scooter riding whirlwind, and I can’t imagine life now without her!

Not to state the obvious, but I did start writing this blog, and I’ve had a weekly post out for the past three or so years – absolutely an accomplishment celebrate! I also completed my holistic nutrition health coaching certification and passed my Lifestyle Medicine boards. Meditation is a daily practice and I even have taught several classes on spiritual meditation to women at church. I do yoga and I walk outside most days of the week to keep my mind and body sane. I’ve grown as a coach and as a physician surgeon. We’ve now been homeschooling for 8 years and even with all the ups and downs and challenges, I’m so grateful that we have! Ten years ago, I had an sweet elderly dog that I adopted when I started medical school. She was my first (and I thought my last!) dog. Now we have a nine month old golden doodle puppy who follows me around whenever I’m home and boy, do I love her too!

In the past 10 years, my husband and I have weathered a job layoff, the loss of grandparents, and a third high risk pregnancy. We’ve also been able to visit the Amalfi coast of Italy, Barbados, and enjoyed a skiing trip in Denver. Our kids started going to overnight camp, and we’ve spent those weeks in the past few years kid-free. That’s something I couldn’t imagine ten years ago. We’ve gone through two major home improvement projects: We finished our basement to use (at least partly) as a classroom, and we replaced our deck with a sunroom (that doubles as my personal zen space and gets used WAY more than the deck ever did). So even our house looks different than when we moved here thirteen years ago!

My new green baby!

So many things happen in our lives, and with the speed we move it’s easy to miss it. I often feel like the things I want to see happen are moving with glacial speed and I want them to hurry up and happen already! If we don’t take time to acknowledge the events and accomplishments in our lives, they can pass by while we’re looking ahead to the next thing. Just sitting down to think about what happened in my life in the past decade has been therapeutic for me: I feel less rushed and hurried about getting the next thing done when I realize all the life I’ve lived, even just looking at the past 10 years. I can move forward with anticipation and confidence that what is coming is exactly what is meant to be, and while I don’t know all the details, it will be beautiful and hard and exactly what I need to become who I will be.

Have you ever done a decade-in-review? What happened to you in the last decade that you’ll remember forever? Please share in the comments below!

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Blog, Inspirations, Mind Management, Top 15 Weight Loss Posts

Are You Kind To You?

Happy New Year!

Here we are in 2020 and it’s back to the hustle. I’ve gotten two birthdays down, two to go (the oldest just turned thirteen and the youngest seven. The twins will be eleven at the end of the month!). I’ve been on call overnight at the hospital, the shopping and cooking and cleaning has to be done, and our new homeschool teacher has started. It’s been busy – and good.

I’ve certainly had lots of opportunities to work on managing my mind. This time of year, between holiday preparations and birthdays, I’m running at top speed. And I get tired of the pace, right around now. I’ve been busy with all this since Halloween, so I tend to start to feel like a break is needed, even though I know that I’ve got a little more to do before I get back to my normal frenetic pace. We’ve also had a lot of changes at work recently, so if you add all the busyness at home to the growing pains of change at work, my brain and body are both getting a workout!

Around 6:30 am a couple of mornings ago, I packed up my bags and was taking them to the car after working in the hospital overnight. On my way into work the day before, I had stopped by Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods to get the gluten free cupcake I needed for the baby’s birthday, so I picked up other groceries I needed for the house while I was there. Those two stores aren’t close to my house, so when I go into the city, I try to swing by and get what we need. I had stored the perishables in a refrigerator in the doctor’s lounge overnight and was carrying that bag, my purse, my computer bag, and a bundle of a dozen white roses I’d bought. As I entered the elevator, a woman saw the roses and commented that someone must like me!

That was a nice thought, right? Someone must appreciate me enough to have bought me roses. I didn’t know her, so I almost just agreed and let that comment pass. But I told her the truth. I replied, “Yeah, I like me – I bought these roses!” We both chuckled and I went down to the car and packed up.

My little red chariot...

I’ve been thinking about this little interaction ever since. Why did I tell her that I bought the roses? Why do people assume that someone else bought the flowers? Is it strange that I buy flowers for myself? Why am I spending my brain space on this? Actually, I know why the thought is hanging around: It’s because of my history around flowers. When I was dating and engaged and after I got married more than 16 years ago, a vase of fresh flowers in my house generally meant that I’d been given those flowers by my husband, and generally for special occasions like an anniversary or birthday. Of course, those events only happen twice a year, so fresh flowers were a rare occurrence. But I like flowers, and I said so to him, many times. And at one point he worked near a florist and brought me flowers for no reason at all, but it wasn’t as often as I would have liked. And I asked and lamented and pouted and nagged, but that didn’t bring more flowers to me. Mind you, my husband does a ton of other very generous and lovely things for me – but the flowers were a no-go. Who knows why?

So I was in a grocery store one day a few years ago and noticed that the flowers looked fresh and the prices were good. As I walked past the display, a little voice in my head said, “Buy some.” I argued with myself about it for a moment, but then decided that yes, I would get them. And after I got them home and cut the stems and put them in my hand-painted ceramic vase, I put them on my bedside table. Every time I looked at them or smelled the delicate scent, I felt a little pop of joy. So I decided that buying myself flowers was a good and inexpensive way to take care of my own happiness. It was an act of kindness to me. So I’ve continued to do it.

So why mention it to the woman on the elevator? Because I wanted her to know that someone else didn’t have to buy me flowers, that buying them for myself was a way to appreciate me. And hopefully, she might do the same or something similar for herself. As a mom and wife and friend and sister and daughter and (for me) a doctor, life is often consumed with taking care of others. And so many of us think that our needs come last, and that other people should do nice things for us. I’m learning to disagree with both thoughts. First, even though those who are dependent on me might need their needs to come before mine sometimes, it’s actually not ALL of the time. Sometimes, especially as they get older, they can wait. I can take a hot bath, I can eat my dinner before helping with a project (instead of eating a handful of nuts and drinking a glass of wine to hold off my hunger until they go to bed). I can buy myself flowers and make time for a mani/pedi, and I can take a few minutes to do the yoga that makes me feel so much better in my mind and my body.

Second, no one has to do nice things for me. Who said they should? If someone chooses to do something for you, we often think that it’s because we’ve done something worth noticing or that we are loved by them because of how we’ve treated them. But here’s the thing: When someone does something for you, it’s about them. They do something for you because of how they think about you, because they’re feeling generous, because they like something you did. How many times have you done the same for someone else? That was about you and how you were thinking of the person you were loving. We’ve all done many things, many acts of care and kindness that have gone unnoticed. Does that mean anything? It just means that you did something lovely and another didn’t outwardly acknowledge it. It doesn’t change your love or care, even if no one saw it.

I’ve come to the conclusion that if I want to be appreciated for the hard work I’m doing, then I’m just as good a person to do the appreciation as someone else. I can do something nice for me, I can thank myself for a job well done, and I can be in charge of how I feel about the service and care I give. If no one notices, I do. And that way, I do what I do because I want to give, and not because I feel compelled (God loves a cheerful giver – 2 Cor 9:7). If someone else does something nice for me, it’s extra. But they don’t have to – I can love on me. Besides, who knows better what encouraging words I want to hear than I do? Who knows I want flowers today better than me? No, I don’t get this right all the time. I fall back into my old way of thinking regularly and have to remind myself that I have a new way of thinking. It takes practice. But those white roses on my bedside table are a nice reminder!

How about you? How are you kind to yourself? What’s the most recent beautiful thing you did for yourself? Please share in the comments below!

Blog, Inspirations, Mind Management

A New Take on The New Year

Does anyone else feel anxious about starting the New Year “right”?

I love the New Year – all the hope of a new start, a fresh beginning, leaving behind the struggles and disappointments of a tough year. It’s kind of the same feeling I get when I wake up in the morning. A fresh day brings the hope of all I might do and experience that day (even if I’m a little over ambitious sometimes!). A New Year is the same, but on steroids. There’s so much possibility! What could happen, what might I do?

One thing I like to do at the close of the year is to watch or read the year-in-review blogs and videos. The encapsulated view of the past year is inspiring, and often a little sad. The review of the year in politics usually makes me feel glad to be leaving the year behind! There’s often also a tribute to those who passed on that year and the young celebrities lost are always mentioned on the list. It’s tragic to know that such young lives are lost forever. And then I remember that I’m still here and even if I’ve lost someone, there’s still more life to live, even if it’s just today. And that feels hopeful too.

It bloomed New Year’s Day!

Even as I say my goodbyes to the past year and look forward to the year ahead, I always feel this nagging sense of urgency, as if I should do something to be ready for the New Year. Many are making their resolutions and I’ve said before that I don’t do that. Resolutions are meant to be broken (and usually are!). But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to start the year well. I want an intention, a direction, a plan to fulfill. In past years, I’ve prayed and meditated and listened for God’s direction and scriptures to keep close in the New Year. I’ll be doing that again.

But it doesn’t seem like enough, does it? Maybe it is and I’m getting myself worked up for nothing. But it’s going to be 2020! It could be I just like the symmetry of the number, or maybe the ending of the decade feels significant for some reason. I definitely feel like I ought to be making a big plan to start on January 1! I even bought a new planner, which I didn’t really need. I had a calendar already and I’ve been using my Google calendar more this year in efforts to stay synced up with my husband’s schedule. I even figured out how to sync my work calendar to my private calendar – no small feat for my tech-challenged self! So when I saw the intention calendar I didn’t really know if I needed it, but I felt like it was significant for me to have to make big moves in 2020. I know I made all that up in my head. I’ve bought these kind of planners before and they are so much work that the sheer intimidation of all those questions and blank pages usually means I don’t even start them, much less finish them. And I haven’t started this one either, and now I feel like I’m already behind, even though I bought the one without pre-printed dates!

All this comes from a self-created sense that I’m the designer of my upcoming year. Now I know that’s false. I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow, or even if tomorrow is coming! All I have is today. Since I didn’t have to go to work today and I could do whatever I wanted with the day, I could have sat down with the calendar and worked away at creating my intentions for 2020. Let me tell you what I did instead…

Meditated

Put away all Christmas decor and swept the house clean

Sent the kids with their daddy to lunch and a movie

Looked through the 2020 intention planner and put it down

Read an old Oprah magazine

Watched a couple of year-in-review videos

Napped on the couch

Ate curry soup

Did some writing

Took the puppy to the dog park

That’s it. At some point I have to make dinner and that’ll be the end of the productive part of the day for me. The 2020 plan has already been written for me, and I actually know some of it. I’m starting some intensive training in March and building a business toward the end of the year, God willing. Here’s what I’ve come to terms with: The plan is not mine. I’m very excited about what I’m working toward, and I feel very much like 2020 is going to be a pivotal and challenging year, full of growth, change, discomfort and wonder. But I’m also very clear that I didn’t design the plan. I didn’t design 2019. I went back through my posts this year and did my own year-in-review. This is some of what I did this year:

I didn’t plan for all of that! As I looked back, I realized that it’s not my place to be the designer of my time: It’s my role to follow the path created for me. How? Through prayer and meditation, listening and following. So whether I fill out the intention calendar, write a bunch of affirmations, journal like crazy, or design a month-by-month plan for the new year, that’s not what determines the success of the year. What will determine how the year goes is how I show up in it, for the tasks set before me, for my family, for my friends, and for those who need what I have to give. That won’t be accomplished by a plan I design for the year. I’ll build that day by day as I stay connected to the God of my life. When I look back next year, I’ll see all that He built through me in 2020. And what a gift that will be!

How are you thinking about 2020? What are you doing to prepare for what’s coming for you? Please share in the comments below!

NOCOMMENTS

Blog, Inspirations, Mind Management

Race To The Finish

Christmas is five days away.

How do you feel when you read that? I’ve been asking my patients about their plans for Christmas and it’s really interesting the different responses I’ve gotten. Some women are crazy busy with cooking and shopping, and some are just over it. One woman told me that because they did a big Thanksgiving at her house this year and her kids are older, they were just relaxing together and taking things light. I loved that answer!

But what does that mean?

I didn’t really have time to ask her for details and take care of her visit concerns, but I wondered. In my little world, I can’t quite imagine what taking it light looks like for Christmas. Maybe I’m not applying my considerable imagination here, but even if I wasn’t working overnight for Christmas this year, I still don’t know what that would mean here. My room is full of boxes of presents to wrap, I have food to cook, and the house needs some serious picking up. I’m also still working, and now I have a cold. The cold is the sign that I’ve been staying up too late and my immunity is down from lack of sleep. But look at this pile!

Who’s gonna wrap all this?

Now let me make two disclaimers: One, I know holidays with younger kids is different than with grown folk, and I’ll miss it when they’re older. And two, I have learned to take some shortcuts to make the actual holiday easier. For example, I ordered a lot of the Christmas dinner from the grocery this year because I knew I wouldn’t be here for the meal. But, my baby girl has allergies and even with the options at Whole Foods, I couldn’t order the whole thing and get her fed. So I’m going to make a cornbread stuffing for her (which everyone loves, so I’m making a big one).

So, it is what it is. Fortunately, all the gifts are here. The stocking stuffers are in a shopping bag. The food is scheduled for pick up, and since I couldn’t get my surgical cases on at the hospital because it’s so busy, I’m laying here fighting this cold. My problem is that I still don’t feel like I can rest – everything isn’t done!

I still need to cut this into cubes and dry it out for the stuffing… My daughter made it for me though!

This discomfort, this unease with resting is very familiar to me. I heard the best description of it this week, so let me share with you. You know how you can have an air conditioner or heater in the background and you don’t really notice it until it clicks off? That’s how this feeling of unease is – kind of like white noise, or an operating system just running all the time. When I meditate or get still in the moment, that’s when it clicks off. You know what I’ve figure out?

I don’t like white noise.

When my kids were small, we had a white noise machine for their room to help block out the other sounds in the house. They seemed to find it soothing. But I did not – it was irritating to me. I like quiet and dark when I sleep, so that stupid machine was never something I’d want in my room. I know lots of people find background noise very comforting, and I have no argument with that. Do what works for you! But as I’ve learned more about myself, I’ve figured out that my normal sensitivity to most things are high – light, noise, smells. And it’s a good thing, because I can pick up on signals that I might miss if I were less sensitive. But it’s a challenge because to much sensory input is exhausting for me. So when the washing machine is running and the kids are bickering and the music is on and a kid goes to bang on the piano, I feel like I want to jump out of my skin!

It’s the same with my mind.

Over the years, I’ve trained my mind to be vigilant, not to miss things and pay attention to details. This skill serves at work and often at home, particularly if a kid is trying to get away with something. But as a practice, as a way of being, it does not serve me. It promotes anxiety and restlessness, and it doesn’t feel good. If it had a purpose, if maybe I got more done because if it, then it might be work it. And sometimes I amaze myself at how much I get done! But at what cost?

Real deal…

This week, one of my best friends got bad news about her health. Now when a doctor says “bad”, that’s not normal “bad”, that’s a whole ‘nother level. We are trained to find the worst possible outcomes and try to avoid them. For a doctor, “bad” is when it looks like there might not be a way to fix it. My brain went haywire thinking of all the terrible things that might happen in the coming months. It felt like a plane spiraling down out of the sky. And then my conscious self said, “Stop that.”. It reminded me that today, right now is all we have. Whatever is coming in the future isn’t to be lived now. Living hard things in the future is a recipe for misery, because we are experiencing the hard thing that might happen, and then if they do happen we have to experience them twice. What good is that?

What may happen in the future can stay there, because we miss the moment now when we live in the future. When we miss the moment now, we miss the sweetness, the joy, the laughter, the peace that we can have right now. After I heard the news from my friend, I showed up at her door the morning of my next day off. She told me she was leaving for an appointment and I wasn’t planning to stay. She even told me not to come, probably because she thought it would be a waste of time since she was headed out. When I showed up, she scolded me first, and then cried because I told her I just was there to make sure she knew I love her, and that I’m here. I was only there for 15 minutes, but it was a moment that we will both remember. That’s what it’s about – experiencing the moments we’re given as the gift they are. Because whenever the end of this life comes, we will have lived it. So as I go into the last few days before Christmas, I am turning off the white noise and taking the moments I have with the kids, my parents, my wonderful husband and my patients as the gifts they are.

Merry Christmas!

2COMMENTS

Inspirations, Mind Management, Top 15 Weight Loss Posts

What Are You Thinking?

Today, I just needed a nap.

It’s been a whirlwind week. I went to Asheville with my daughter to a church women’s retreat. It was her first retreat and we enjoyed the mountains, catching up with old friends and meeting new ones, and just spending time together. It was such a good experience with my big girl, I came back and called my own mom.

But when you travel all weekend and hit the ground running at work first thing Monday morning, it can feel like you never stopped moving! And that’s how the week has been – nonstop, busy, lots of activity, and very little down time. So when I planned my day off, a nap was definitely on the list!

The funny thing is that I’m not so sure that all the busyness is really the source of my fatigue. Even though I’ve been running, I’ve been sleeping well, getting some yoga in most days, and I’ve been loving all the patients I’ve seen in the office. It’s been a good week. More than the activity, my brain is tired. Why? Let me catch you up…

Lately I’ve been following a couple of coaching podcasts, studying and learning from a couple of master coaches who teach a lot about mind management. Ideally, when you listen to a podcast on a coaching topic, you spend some time practicing the concepts before moving on to the next one. But since I was excited about the concepts and was in the car for about 7 hours altogether, I sort of binge listened. The only thing that saved my brain from complete meltdown was that many of the concepts aren’t new to me and I was already practicing some of them. Still, it was a lot.

There was one concept that I learned that changed the tone of my week. I’ve had heavy and busy weeks just like this in the past and just barely dragged myself through to the end. This concept made all the difference, and while it builds on other concepts, I’m going to share the idea with you so that you can try it out for yourself.

Here’s the basic framework from Brooke Castillo at the Life Coach School: All the results in your life start far earlier than when you do the thing that gets the results. Actually, everything that happens in your life stems from the thoughts you have about the circumstances you face. Circumstances are the neutral facts in your life – they are not going to change depending on who is looking at them. Circumstances are not, “My husband is so thoughtless because he didn’t make his side of the bed this morning.” The circumstances are that he didn’t make his side of the bed this morning. Your thought about it is that he’s thoughtless. The next part of the thought model is the feelings that come from the thought you had. How does the thought that your husband is thoughtless make you feel? Then based on that feeling, you will take some sort of action – complaining, yelling, criticizing, sulking, ignoring, being resentful, or whatever you choose. The result you get will come from the action you take. But really, the result you get originated from the thought you had about your circumstance.

Here comes the concept that helped me. When I was listening to Brooke run though one of the thought model examples on the podcast, she asked one simple question: How do you want to feel? That one question stopped me in my tracks. So often, I’m hurt or angry or disappointed or aggravated or frustrated and I think that it’s because of what’s happening – the circumstances. So I feel what I do because of what’s happening to me, which I have no control over. Then I feel powerless and subject to the situation. The truth is that I feel what I do because of how I think about the circumstances. Now, I can hear you arguing with that idea, “No, sometimes he does stuff that really is inconsiderate or thoughtless. That’s just fact!” But is it? If any other person on the planet wouldn’t think that way, it’s not fact. What if you were the kind of wife who didn’t care if the bed was made up in the morning? It’s all how you think about it.

Nah, I don’t like it...

That’s really good news, because now you are in control of how you feel about your circumstances. Now don’t get me wrong, you may not like the circumstances. You can always express what you think and make requests of anyone. What they do about it isn’t for you to control. Where you do have control is over what thoughts you choose to entertain. That’s where the power lies. When I realized that if I didn’t like feeling angry and irritated, and that I could go back to how I was thinking about them and change my thoughts, that was the magic. I didn’t have to be annoyed by the errors in my schedule at work. I didn’t have to be irritated that the dishes were left in the sink again. If I wanted to feel peaceful, I could choose to think that my day was going to go smoothly, that I enjoy my patients and my nurses, that I have a good job and I’m honored that people choose to come see me year after year. I can choose to believe that the dishes are in the sink because I’m not the only one who’s busy, and I rather not get upset and make it a big deal because I feel better when I don’t.

What am I making this mean?

Now don’t get me wrong: This isn’t a matter of thinking yourself into sunshine and rainbows. I’m not asking you to manufacture thoughts you don’t really believe, because that’s not going to work. Your brain will make sure you don’t hold on to those thoughts. But if you feel a way that you’d rather not, you can ask yourself how you’d like to feel and see if you can capture the thought that led you to the feeling you’re having. Then ask yourself if there’s a different but believable way you could think about the circumstances. You’ll be surprised at how you can change how you’re feeling even when the only thing that you change is your thinking. It sure did change my week!

Did you know that your feelings come from your thoughts? Try asking yourself how you want to feel when you meet circumstances in your week and see what happens. Tell me about what you learn in the comments below!

NOCOMMENTS

Inspirations, Mind Management

Comfort and Control

Well, I did it.

Remember last week when I talked about worrying myself sick (actually catching a cold or something because of stress)? Despite my best efforts at managing my mind, being consistent in prayer and meditation, and keeping an upbeat attitude, the stress manifested in my body anyway. And I feel like a fraud. In addition to dealing with the upheaval in my job, his job, our homeschool, and preparing for the Lifestyle Medicine board exam in October, my body is breaking down too? Really, how am I supposed to be a holistic physician who helps people find wellness if I can’t do it for myself?

Yeah, I’m just beating myself up. But the good part of it all is that I’ve been thinking a lot about what I need to do to get balanced. A lot of what I do to stay balanced is good – the meditation and prayer, yoga, walking, thought management and journaling. But one thing I’ve started seeing is that one of my core beliefs is out of whack. I mean, completely out of touch with reality. Want to know what it is?

I believe that what I do controls what happens in my life.

Now, I do believe in cause and effect. If I don’t wash my clothes, I won’t have anything to wear, and that’s completely on me. But somewhere in my brain I hold this thought that if I try as hard as I can, and do all the right things, that everything should work out as I planned. If I do all the holistic wellness practices faithfully, I won’t get sick. If I plan well enough, everything with our homeschool will go smoothly. If I focus hard enough, I will get everything done on my to-do list. If I do everything right, nothing bad or hard will ever happen to me.

Seems a little crazy when its written down, doesn’t it? But that’s how I’ve been thinking. And I know lots of people think this way too – I’m sure of it. How do I know? Because when unpleasant, difficult, or tragic things happen, then response is almost universal: Why is this happening to me? It doesn’t matter if you’re frustrated because your work day ran late, or if traffic is insane and you spend an hour plus on the road trying to get home, or if you got a scary diagnosis at your doctor’s appointment. You want to know why it’s happening to you and what you did to deserve it. As if you could have avoided it if you’d done something, anything better/differently/right.

Here’s the problem with that line of thinking: It assumes that you are in control. You are the “master of your fate, the captain of your soul”. Inspiring thought, but not true. We’d like to believe that cause and effect rules most of our lives, at least the good parts. Good things happen to us because we work hard and we deserve it. Don’t we tell our kids that if they put in the work, they earn the rewards that come from that effort? On the other hand, we don’t really want to believe we earned the consequences of inaction or laziness or disorganization. We want to catch a break, or believe those are just plain old bad luck.

The truth is more complex and nuanced than pure cause and effect. It may be that your hard work earned the promotion, and that your lack of planning made you miss the meeting you needed to attend at your son’s school. And you can and should put forth your best effort in the ways you have influence. The problem comes in with the worry that circles constantly, the nagging sense that if you don’t get is all done or do it all right, everything is coming crashing down on your head. And when things fall apart or look grim, you think it’s because of something you did or didn’t do. But lots of things happen for reasons we don’t see until after they’ve moved on. Sometimes there are lessons to learn that have nothing to do with how hard we’re trying. If everything is linked to your effort, there’s no room for God to move things around to show you new ways to grow.

That’s one thing I’m learning now. Some of the things that are happening in my life I just don’t understand. They don’t have to do with what I did or didn’t do, but they are affecting me. They’re hard, I don’t like them, and I want them to get fixed, now. And no matter how many times I remind myself that worse things could be happening (positive psychology), I’m fine right now (mindfulness), it’ll all be for the best (positive mental attitude), it’s really more than that. I am not in control. I’m human, I’m doing my best, and this place is not heaven. God can see the whole picture, but I can’t, and I’m really not supposed to. I’m learning to trust, to grow in my faith, and to find peace in the discomfort. Things will go off of my plan, I will get sick, but I will heal and God is working things out the way they are supposed to be worked out. When I worry, I actually am in the opposite place from trust. My mind is not here in this present moment when I worry, because it’s either in the past or in the future. I remember reading once that worrying was like sitting in a rocking chair – you’re moving, but you’re not going anywhere. Here’s another thought:

“Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?” – Luke 12:25

What exactly is worrying accomplishing for me, other than practicing a pattern of thinking that doesn’t serve me, pulling me away from trust in God’s plan, and producing insomnia and illness? Nothing. I’m not saying that it’s easy not to worry. Actually, by this point in my life, I’ve gotten very good at it! And while learning other ways to manage my thoughts is a lot of hard work, it’s much more calming and productive. I’m not rocking away to nowhere! Surrendering control isn’t so much giving up something as it is an acknowledgement of fact. It’s a more sane approach to addressing reality. I can’t control my own heartbeat or breathing, even if I can influence them. Life is the same way. So I will keep managing my thoughts, praying, meditating, and breathing. And I surrender the future to the one who can see it as it will be.

How do you manage your worrying? Please share in the comments below!

You know, my husband wanted me to write a post on how I helped our family go plant based. We’ve all been animal food free for the past four months, and everyone is happy with it and feeling well. Would that be something you’d like to know more about? Let me know in the comments section!

NOCOMMENTS

Inspirations, Mind Management

Lessons From The Labyrinth

Early last Saturday morning I took my oldest daughter with me to walk a labyrinth. I had been trying to find time to spend with each child separately, so they’d have time with mommy without competition from their siblings. It hadn’t been something I’d been very successful at accomplishing without a plan, so I decided on a weekly schedule to rotate among each of them, and this outing was the first.

Walking a labyrinth is something I’ve done before. I found to be a profound spiritual practice, but I hadn’t done it in awhile, probably because the only one I knew about is about an hour away from where I live. So when I learned about a website for finding labyrinths, I knew I had to see if there were any nearer to me.

Turns out, there are quite a few! I searched through the list and realized that there was one in our little downtown green space near city hall. When I offered the idea to my big girl, she immediately agreed and we made plans find the labyrinth on Saturday morning.

Labyrinths can be made of different materials, like gravel, grass, bricks or stone. They can be small or large, single or double. The one I walked before was a dramatic double stone labyrinth in the middle of a clearing in the forest. So when we found this labyrinth, I’ll admit that I was a little disappointed. It was a 30 foot pavement space with a blue spray painted labyrinth pattern on top of the concrete, with quite a bit of engine noise from the nearby highway. Not so peaceful, I thought. But since the point of the labyrinth is to walk it, I figured that maybe I’d still find some value in the activity. Besides, I was really there to spend time with my daughter, so even if it wasn’t great, we’d have that time together, so it would be good anyway.

In the end, the experience was still a good one. Even with the traffic and noise, even without the majesty of the trees and stone patterns, I was reminded of why walking a labyrinth is a spiritual practice. I’ll share some of my lessons below, but first, let me explain how a labyrinth is generally used. First, walking a labyrinth is a kind of walking meditation. When you enter the labyrinth, your walk is to stay on the path as it leads you around, back and forth until you reach the center. Then you follow the path back out to the entrance. A single labyrinth will have one way in to the center and one way out. Something about walking the path is very calming and centering.

There are also different ways to use your mind during the walk. Walking a labyrinth is not specific to any religion, or religion at all. I use the walk to get closer to God, but however you want to practice is up to you. One practice I’ve used is to ask a question you would like clarity on before you enter the labyrinth. Then you walk the labyrinth, listening quietly for the answer. Often, the walking will bring the whispered answer to you. Then you sit in the center of the labyrinth, holding the answer in your heart (I usually pray here). Then you walk in the truth of the answer as you follow the path back out of the labyrinth. I like this practice, but there are other ways to enjoy a labyrinth. This was the description outside of the labyrinth we walked on Saturday.

No matter how you choose to use a labyrinth, I found some profound truths about the walk within them that were also true about life. Here’s what I found…

You can’t always see the way to where you want to go.

When you walk a labyrinth, it’s not a straight line to the center. You go back and forth, and sometimes the path takes you further away from the center before you actually get there. Sometimes, especially if you’re feeling impatient, you wonder if you’re ever going to make it or if you’ll just wander around this patterned walkway for the rest of your days in an endless loop. But you always get there. The path actually does lead to a destination.

There are moments of clarity.

While you’re meandering through the path, you can’t see far enough ahead to know how you’ll get to the center. If you try to look that far ahead, you will wander off the path, so you can only look a few steps ahead at a time. But, there comes a moment when you round a corner and all of a sudden you can see the way into the center. It feels like a breakthrough, almost an accomplishment! It’s just like in life – so often we feel like we’re wandering around making no progress at all, when all of a sudden an opportunity or accomplishment is realized and you find out that you’ve been moving toward it all along.

Stay on the path.

The best time to walk a labyrinth is when you haven’t set a time limit on your walk. When I’ve tried to squeeze in a walk, my brain wants to hurry me along through the path and leads me into feeling impatient and rushed to find the center. I’m so busy looking for the way to the goal, I’m not enjoying the walk! But if I’ll focus on the walk, enjoy the path and the steps I’m taking, I will be peaceful in the path while I’m moving toward the center. I’ll get there at some point, but I get to enjoy the path and the goal.

If you’ve never walked a labyrinth, I encourage you to try it! You can find the ones nearest to you by searching for Worldwide Labyrinth Locator and filling in your location. Keep your search broad – you’ll find more choices. And enjoy the walk!

Have you ever walked a labyrinth? What kind of practice do you use to keep you centered in your spirit? Please share in the comments below!

2COMMENTS

Inspirations, Mind Management

When The World is On Your Shoulders

Since starting this blog three years ago, each week I’ve known what to write, even if it wasn’t until the last day. This is the first week I’ve felt like maybe I have nothing to say.

These last few weeks have been challenging, to say the least. What they have not been is catastrophic, and I don’t feel so down that I can’t function. I’ve certainly felt off balance, worried, tired, and overwhelmed. I told a friend of mine that as I navigate these recent challenges, I feel alternatively just fine and completely terrified. I can be ok in one minute and then terrified the next. Sounds like mood swings – how can I go between fine and afraid so quickly? It all matters where I allow my mind to go. If I stay in this present moment now, remembering that in this moment everything is fine, I am breathing, the family is healthy, we are fed and sheltered, then I am ok. When I allow my mind to wander to all the possible ways the recent craziness can escalate, how our life and home could be falling apart if things don’t work out, and how much I don’t want that to happen, I can feel the tightness in my neck and shoulders grow with my fear. It’s the difference between letting my mind wander into the possible future and staying in the actual present. But good grief! The energy I’ve had to use to try to stay in the moment has been massive. It’s exhausting!

So this morning I woke up trying to decide what on the list needed to fall off. Was there anything I thought was important that really could just wait? This blog post was one of the optional items. But since I made a commitment to write a post a week, it’s hard for me not to do it. And, writing down some of my thoughts is therapeutic, so that’s helpful. I decided that at least I’d write down the things I’ve been doing to keep myself from losing my mind as I wait to see what God is doing with our lives. Maybe what I’m doing will help someone else find some peace in the midst of their challenge.

Look up.

When I feel discouraged, I tend to feel the weight of the trouble on my shoulders. My gaze is down, and I feel heavy in my heart and soul. Even when I meditate, I find that my internal eye is looking down and I have to keep drawing up my focus. It’s as if I’m protecting myself by curling inward. Looking up helps! When the last time you spent time looking up at the sky, even for a few moments? We spend most of our time looking down at keyboards, phones, books, and papers, so we rarely look up. Try taking a few moments to look up at the sky. Watch the clouds move, or see a bird fly overhead. It helps me remember I’m not in charge and I don’t have to be.

Stay grateful.

I’ve written more in my grateful list recently. I’d fallen off, not because it wasn’t useful, but because I convinced myself that the practice had trained me to be able to keep track of my gratitude in my head. That was a mistake. Taking a couple of minutes to write down the good always reminds me that I have more than I even notice. This week, I was grateful for my new seven dollar linen pants, holding my 10 year old close, my six year old asking if she can get me anything, my cuddly warm long purple sweater, and a yummy purple potato chipotle hash, among other things. In the midst of the hard moments, writing down the good helped me to see it. I like re-reading the list – it helps me remember all the beauty!

Talk to other people.

When I’m under stress, it can be easy to feel isolated, as if no one else can understand what I’m going through. It’s scary to share though, because it leaves me vulnerable and afraid because even well-meaning friends can respond in ways that don’t feel very supportive. But I find that when I talk about what I’m dealing with, love and support come back. And when I’m vulnerable, other people feel able to share their own struggles. Often, what others are facing is far worse than what I’m dealing with. Sharing isn’t supposed to be a pity party, or let’s-see-who-has-it-worse. But I find that when I see the troubles others face in their lives, I can pray for them and keep my difficulties in perspective. I haven’t shared the details of our recent struggles on this blog because my kids read it sometimes. But I’m reaching out to people one by one, and because of it I’ve been loved a lot recently. And it helps.

Memorize something.

When I’m tempted to go into a tailspin, sometimes the thing that can bring me out is repeating the truth to myself. A wonderful nurse I used to work with shared a quote she uses when she’s going through tough times, and I thought it was wonderful. She shared this quote by Victor Hugo: “Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake.” Thank goodness for the reminder that he is, because I’ll worry myself into tossing and turning when I really should know that he’s got it while I get the rest I so badly need.

I’ve been repeating Hebrews 12:2 over and over: “Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” It helps me to keep looking up!

Do you have ways to get steady in a time of upheaval? Please share in the comments below!

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