Category Archives: Inspirations

This has been a tough week! I haven’t wanted to write this post at all. Why? Because even though I know that being open and vulnerable is good for the soul, I still haven’t learned to love it. Yet.

Here’s how this blog works. When the idea of the blog came, I was resistant. Why in the world would I add one more thing to my list of responsibilities? Life is already busy enough! But since the idea wouldn’t go away, and I was pretty certain that God wanted me to write, I pulled together my resources and launched this site (with lots of help!). But I made a deal with God (ever do that?). I would only write when and what he wanted me to: I had to be led to a topic, something that needed to be said, either for me or for someone who needed to read it. And that has been how it has gone, each week. I’ve been inspired and written each of these posts. If I didn’t have something to say, I wouldn’t write. But so far, just about every week there has been something to write for this blog.

The creative process at work…

So what’s the problem? This week I’m supposed to talk about anxiety. My anxiety. I’m sitting here growling at the computer screen. I don’t want to talk about this! But I know I need to, both because I’m learning how to manage it and because I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one fighting this battle. It’s hard though, because I feel like I should be able to manage my life without working myself into a tizzy. As a grown woman and a professional, I have this image of myself as being able to keep it all together with grace and poise. Being anxious doesn’t fit with that! And I’m ashamed of it. So what? Does it really matter if I feel shame about my anxiety? Won’t that help me to deal with it? Actually no, it won’t. Shame pushes us further into hiding, into the darkness. It makes me impatient and unkind to myself. And if being mean to myself isn’t enough, that lack of compassion and love for myself spills over to the people around me, especially anyone who is closest. For me, knowing that treating me poorly will cause my husband and babies to suffer is enough for me to fight to get out of the darkness of shame.

The last two weeks have been full of changes. The solution to a tough situation in my life has just become clear and big transitions are happening. You’d think I’d be overjoyed to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But seeing things change actually has provoked the anxiety. It’s funny (not funny ha-ha, funny odd): Staying in a known dysfunctional situation is sometimes easier than going into a better but unknown and therefore uncertain scenario. The security of knowing what to expect, even when it’s not what’s best, has kept me holding onto the familiar because I’ve been afraid of the new and unfamiliar. Ever do that? Ever been stuck in a tough place wanting to get out, but hesitate to move because you don’t know where you’re going? It might be better, but heck, it might be worse, so maybe where I am isn’t so bad. Warped thinking, I know, but that’s where I’ve been…

In addition to the life changes, I’ve been exhausted this week. It’s been really busy at the hospital, I’ve been driving all over Atlanta to get where I need to go around the I-85 disaster, and all that plus being anxious has kept me from getting enough sleep. When I wake up in the mornings, some days this week my first thought has been, “When can I go back to sleep?” That thought was a daily occurrence when I was in residency, but now I’m normally at my highest energy in the mornings. Getting my balance right has been a challenge. I realized that if I didn’t get back on track, I was going to worry myself into getting sick. I knew I needed more sleep, so I’d sleep a little later in the mornings. But then, I didn’t have time to pray, meditate and exercise, so my days weren’t feeling as smooth. One day this week, I found myself in my office (with the door closed, of course), lying on the floor under my desk on top of my sweater. I just needed to be horizontal for a few minutes! This actually was a good thing. I laid there, did my meditation breathing, and looked out the window at the blue sky. It was very calming and the rest of the afternoon went well seeing my patients.

So now what? I am feeling better now. The things that are happening are good things and my anxiety comes from me trying to maintain the illusion of control. The truth is, that the good that is coming is a gift, and I can’t dictate all the details of it. I can act where I need to, but the coordination of it all is out of my hands. Trying to hold on to it all is what keeps me anxious. So I’m letting go, remembering the good of the situation and trusting that how it all comes together will be for the best. How do I help myself stay in this more peaceful space? I do what I know works:

1. Pray
2. Meditate
3. Write my grateful list and journal (lots!)
4. Get outside and walk
5. Breathe, slow and deep
6. Use open and positive language (words are powerful!)
7. Be kind to myself

I don’t get to do all this every day. I try to get to two to three a day, and if I can do more I do it. But the last one on the list is critically important. I am learning to practice patience and kindness toward myself. After years of whipping myself into compliance and berating myself when I’ve failed, this is an unfamiliar space. But I need to move into a place of love for me. I’m also worth it. It’s not just everyone close to me who is worthy of my love and attention – it’s me too. I have more to give them when I’m not beating myself up for a mistake or imperfection. I’m learning to be human and fallible, not superwoman., and offer the forgiveness I give to others to myself. In the end, I’m growing a bigger heart, more patient self, and a powerful trust in the grace and love of my Creator.

That’s it for this week. Does anyone feel the shame and anxiety struggle like I do? Help me and other by sharing in the comments section below!

Do you ever feel like you want something in your life to change but it’s not? It can be so frustrating to feel ready for a move and not see anything happening. No movement on the horizon. No forward motion. Zip. Zilch. Nada…

I know better though. There is no time when movement is not happening in our lives. I can get impatient when I want to see something happen! When it doesn’t come right away, I think that it won’t happen. Before a big shift, preparation needs to happen; preparation in my heart, in my home, in my mind. Now, I’m not talking about a crisis – sometimes we can look back and see how we were being prepared, but sometimes we just get knocked off our feet. But when you are moving toward a big life change, thank God we are moved toward readiness.

Lack of movement is an illusion. Something is always happening in us! We are always growing and changing if we allow it. There are often lots of distractions that come when we’d like to focus on our goal or desire. We get caught up in our families’ needs, or the urgency of events at work, or unscheduled things come up and we decide, “See? This is why I’m not moving ahead!” Actually though, the distractions aren’t preventing us from moving. I’ve decided that the distractions just keep me from focusing and paying attention to the important changes that are going on. When I’m crazy busy, it’s really hard to just get done all the things that are needed. So I’m a lot less likely to slow down and pay attention, to meditate and listen to the voice inside telling me what to do next. When I don’t pay attention, I’m not moving in a particular direction – I’m just responding to whatever calls for my attention the loudest.

“Mommy! Where are you?”

So what do I do? Those times when I feel directionless, like I’m racing through the motions of my daily life, those are the times I need the stillness even more. I have to get up early and meditate, or go to bed early so my brain can get the rest it needs to be creative. If I’m living in survival mode, very little good comes out of me. I just scrape by. And I don’t like that feeling of just getting by!

Sometimes, the busyness isn’t the problem. I’m stuck in a rut and can’t get out. Ever feel that way? Like you’re living the same day/week/month over and over? I call it living in default mode. You know what that is, right? It’s plopping down in front of the TV after dinner and losing two hours and not knowing why you were even sitting there. It’s ordering pizza because that’s what we do on Friday nights. It’s buying the same groceries every week because that’s what’s on the list and that’s what I buy, isn’t it? Fire and creativity and change don’t come when I’m just doing the same old, same old. So how do I switch it up? There are a few things I do that you might want to try to shake yourself into a new place. You just may get some momentum going!

What do you do?

I mean, what’s your routine? I can take it for granted that the way I do things is how everyone does it. But if I really look at my schedule and think about it, some of the things I think are unmoveable, aren’t. Maybe the youngest can sacrifice her nap so we can go to an event as a family. Maybe that TV watching in the evening isn’t needed. You need down time? Maybe there’s a better way to get it, like a meditation or walk around the block.  Or if you get one thing done on your list instead of 30 minutes of TV, you’ll be a little more ahead tomorrow. Change up your routine and see if your perspective changes!

What do you wear?

Stay with me… I’m NOT telling you to go out and buy a new wardrobe. But are you wearing the same things over and over? The same colors? What would happen if you started wearing more pink to channel your feminine side? What about green for renewal and change? I hadn’t worn any pink for ages, but when I did, I had so much fun with it! The inner me really enjoyed doing the girly thing. Try powerful colors like red and royal blue if you’ve been wearing pastels. Wear any colors if you’ve been doing mostly black. If you have the time and the money, buy something in a different style than you usually wear (take a friend and make sure it looks good. Changing style can be tricky!). But really, just changing the colors you wear can be moving.

Selections from “pink week”…

What are you eating?

Ever feel like you eat the same rotation of foods over and over? We can get so used to what we buy or cook that we forget there’s a whole world of different foods and ways of eating out there! Sometimes, our food rut is why we aren’t losing weight. This week I’ve been intermittently fasting, doing liquids only for most of the day and having a soup or a salad for dinner. I’ve dropped a bunch of water I’ve been retaining, but I did it to open up the space in my day to not worry about food and mealtimes. It’s amazing how our days are centered around mealtimes, and how the cadence changes when those times are gone. You may try eating vegetarian or vegan, or no refined sugar for a week (ok, that’s a hard one). But you can do anything for a week! Try it and see if this changes your outlook…

Carrot pineapple orange juice (mostly carrot!). Delicious!

Are you feeling stuck in a rut or caught up in your routine? What are you going to do to shake things up? Please share in the comments below!

I’m feeling good today! How about you? There’s been a lot of movement and transition over the last few weeks and we’ve been talking about some intense topics recently, right? The last four weeks I’ve been writing about Moving Ahead in life. I’ve been doing lots of meditation, self exploration and expansion, and that always brings up new ideas and ways of thinking. It’s refreshing! What about you? Any new shifts in your life?

One thing that came up for me recently was a question about fun. What do I like to do for fun? Surprisingly, it was very hard to answer. You’d think that wouldn’t be hard – you just decide what you’d do if you had an free time, and that would be fun, right? Not necessarily. When I started thinking about what I’d do if I had free time, I kept coming up with things I’d enjoy, but weren’t really fun. Maybe I’m being too strict on the definition of fun, but I really wanted to get a list of things that are purely fun for me, not just relaxing or restorative or interesting or restful. Spa day: restful and relaxing. Taking a nap: restorative. Pedicure: relaxing and nice, but not exactly fun.

Nap time: very necessary…

I had to dig deep. Doesn’t that sound a little nutty? Why is is so hard to figure out what I like to do for fun? I’ve spent a lot of time being serious, cultivating my outer grown up, which means putting aside things that didn’t seem in alignment with my goals. So fun has been missing out.  I’m out of practice with having fun! But, after some serious 🙂 thought, I came up with a few things I think are really fun, at least for me. That part is important: For me. What’s fun to my husband or kids or friends isn’t necessarily fun for me. For example, Perry loves movies. I might enjoy one now and then, but sitting in front of a screen for any length of time generally  just isn’t for me. The kids love to play Mario Cart – and if I never see another video game that would be ok with me. So I couldn’t pick a bunch of “fun” things and add them into my schedule. I had to figure out what I really think is fun…

First, I need more music in my life. For you folks around my age, do you remember mix tapes? This is before “playlists” for you younger people.  I used to have a big collection of mix tapes with all kinds of fun music that I’d play depending on my mood. And I’d usually be singing along! When music went digital, I probably was in medical school and didn’t get into making playlists. I still have stacks of CDs in storage. But now it’s time to get back into the music.

The old CD collection

The other thing that I’m adding that goes along with music is dance. All through high school and college I danced with modern dance companies (think Alvin Ailey style) and I was constantly moving and creating. I miss that physical creativity – leaving dance behind has left a big hole! I choreographed multiple pieces that we performed in college. The choreography always came from the music though. The inspiration came out of the music, so I’m using the music and spending some time dancing, whether it’s a family dance party or just me alone early in the mornings.

Two of the kids jamming at a family dance party

I also love to read, always have. I have stacks of books in my room. I can get lost in a good story, and books are my favorite way to experience a story! My kids love to read too, so there are books littered all over my house – in the bedrooms, in the hallway, even in the bathroom. I get a little frustrated with that, but then I remind myself that in a few short years, my little bookworms won’t be so little anymore, and there are worse things than books everywhere. I always have a lot to read, much more than I have time. Some of it is medical articles for work (those are good to initiate a nap, but not for fun!). I also like to read books that help me grow and think about new ideas, But I want to read more just for fun, just for the story. So I’m going to make sure to be reading something that makes me laugh or dream or be transported away. Even if just for a little while…

Just the ones near my bed…

The last thing I came up with for my “fun list” is something I haven’t done yet. There’s a thing at a local mall with a trapeze and trampoline. You get strapped into the harness and jump around, maybe flip if you’re daring. My kids have done it. But the time they went, I was working and couldn’t go. Shoot, I probably wouldn’t have done it then anyway – I’ve been too busy being a grown up. But now I want to go and try it out. It just seems like that would be something super fun to do, so as soon as I get a chance, I’m going! Ask me how it works out…

Practicing for the trampoline!

So what about you? Do you need more fun in your life? What things do you do just for fun? What is a uniquely fun thing for you? Share in the comments section below!

It’s been a very big week! Honestly, I’m not sure whether to be frustrated or encouraged. I started the week by working through the weekend at the hospital (exhausting), going through meetings and patients all week (busy), visiting with friends from out of town (fun), and resolving conflict with my husband (emotional).  I really wasn’t sure whether I would even write a post this week. But I keep hearing that quiet voice saying that I need to write down and share what I’m learning.  Why? It could be because someone else needs to hear that they are not alone, that someone else is working through their journey too. Maybe writing this blog is just a good creative outlet for me.  But I think it’s bigger than that. I believe that this is part of God moving me ahead, growing and preparing me (and you!) for what’s next.

I’m going to share what happened for me this week. Your week may have been totally different from mine, but I bet you’ll see some similarities. Some of what I experienced was good and fun, and some was deep and hard, so while it’s a little tough to share, I will because it may help as you work through the things happening for you…

The week started working overnight at the hospital Sunday night into Monday morning. I got more sleep than I expected, so I was giddy with relief when I drove to the farmer’s market to get the groceries. After shopping I drove by the kids’ homeschool group and kissed them good morning, I took the groceries home and unpacked. Then I went to do some life coaching/energy work with my coach, and things were looking good. You know the term “inner child”? Well, I’m learning more about mine through my energy work. I call her my “spirit girl”. I didn’t think I even had one – I just remember always wanting to be an adult! But she’s in there and she remembers things I’d rather pretend didn’t happen. Hurtful and painful things from long ago. But Monday she was happy and looking for fun! I was looking forward to a short week at work and it seemed like the road ahead was clear.

You know, when God is moving you ahead in your life, a smooth path doesn’t always take you to the next level, right? We’d like to think that the road to the next thing is straight and smooth. But that isn’t necessarily the case. Sometimes, hard and painful things can peel back layers faster than the easy times. Challenges are giving you work to do. So I shouldn’t have been surprised when some conflict showed up.

Perry and I are trying to raise our four kids as many people are: intentionally. We are hoping to improve on the good work our parents put into us, and that requires lots of thought, energy and prayer. But, we grew up differently and have different points of view on what we see in our kids, and how we should deal with those things. We are completely unified in our core beliefs. But working out those beliefs in the details of our lives (especially with raising the kids) can cause big conflict.

If you have kids older than six, you probably will find this familiar. My oldest has started being “deaf” when we call her, or slow to respond when asked to do something. It’s absolutely a passive-aggressive response to being told to do something she’d rather not do, or to being interrupted from something she’d rather be doing. It aggravates us and her teacher-nanny (who is with her during the day), and we both recognize this is a character issue that we have to train out of her. Shoot, I’m more than 30 years older than she is and I resort to passive-aggressive behavior sometimes! That’s bad… I know it. I’m working on it.

Anyway, I came to Perry at the end of a tough day at work (for him) to share an incident that went down with her earlier that day. Maybe I should have waited for a better moment.  I didn’t. In the course of the conversation, we didn’t see eye to eye and ended up at odds. We couldn’t come together that night, but were able to make up and be united again in the morning. But I was still very sensitive about it.

Later that night, we went to church and the class was on conflict resolution. You see what was happening? Movement… In the course of the class, Perry shared with the group about how he sees relationships as volatile and “like diffusing a bomb”. He didn’t mean me specifically, but I thought that of course, he had to mean me. I’m his closest and most volatile relationship, right? I felt so small. My spirit girl shrank down in a dark corner of my heart. See, deep down, I have a hard time believing that I’m lovable. I think I’m hard to like and get along with, so if I think I hear my husband say that I’m difficult, then it is confirmation for a shameful thing I already believe about myself.

Up to this point, I’d been working – meditating, praying, listening, journaling. But now I needed to put in some real work, to practice what I’d been learning. So what did I do? I prayed and cried. Man, I hate crying! But for me, it often is part of the process of working through. I sat still and meditated and listened to my spirit girl. Then I shared how I felt with Perry and my coach. I did some yoga and I danced, because my spirit girl misses music and dance. Dancing was a huge part of my life until I finished college, then the demands of medical school overwhelmed me and dance lost out. Then I kept checking in, meditating and sending loving energy to her. I also asked for what I needed, like a long hug from Perry. That helped too!

So where’s the good stuff? What happened from this painful, shameful experience that’s worth talking about here? Here it is: I can see my spirit girl! I went from not recognizing that she was there and ignoring her, to knowing she’s there. I’m also learning that she knows some things I need that I’ve forgotten about or left behind. I can see her. I can hear her guiding me to giving a full expression of ME, the me I’m here to be. It’s hard for me though, because she’s sensitive and emotional and intuitive and loud sometimes and I love those things, but I’ve spent most of my adult life creating a serious, powerful and controlled persona without her. She’s shaking things up for me and that’s not comfortable. But it’s part of the process.

Growth isn’t always comfortable, but it’s good. I’m learning to see the good in the discomfort and in the pain, even when the pain seems small and ordinary and ought to be ignored. We think that our feelings are weaknesses and that we should brush them off as annoyances. But we can use these small hurts to practice, to prepare for the big joys and hurts ahead. When we allow ourselves to fully experience the painful times and work through them, we can also fully experience the good times. We can live the full expression of the life we have! And that is the process, that is the journey…

On the journey…

How do you work through the hurts in your life? Have you left behind some of your true self? Please share in the comments below…

It’s been a full couple of weeks! I started a couple of weeks ago feeling excited and expansive about movement and shifts in my life, then I got downright sensitive last week talking about emotions. That was emotional all by itself! But now, I think it’s time to ramp things up. It’s time to get help…

Ta da!

What? Why? That’s what I tend to think when anyone suggests that I might need help. Who me? Superwoman, need help? Never! Don’t you see this “S” on my chest? All kidding aside though, somewhere deep down I think I should be able to do everything and figure myself and my needs out all by myself. And with time and space, lots of prayer and effort, and mostly lots of grace, I would move forward in the direction I am meant to go. But what if I had help making that move? How would that change things for me?

The first time I remember thinking about therapy of any kind was sometime in grade school. My mom, who has a Master’s degree in social work, felt that our family could benefit from some counseling as my brother and I were nearing adolescence. I don’t really remember why – it’s all kind of fuzzy at this point. What I do remember is this – it was private. This wasn’t something we would be sharing publicly outside of our family. For some reason, I remember there being shame associated with seeking counseling. Even now, I feel as though I’m sharing a secret and shouldn’t be.  But why? What is it about getting help with our lives that’s shameful? Are we really supposed to figure it all out on our own?

Hanging on by my fingernails…

Even in my work as a physician, the topic of getting help for our physical body is more easily accepted than getting help for our mind and spirit. If I want to see a counselor or psychiatrist, there’s a special provision to see someone outside of our healthcare organization. I know, some of that is to allow for professional privacy and comfort so that I could talk to someone that I won’t bump into in the stairwell at the office. There’s more to it than that though – seeking help seems to be like a private failing. Even in my patient’s charts, the visits to any mental health care provider are shielded so other providers can’t read them. Now, I’m glad we provide privacy for our patients and want people to feel free to share their deepest concerns without fear of exposure, but it just reminds me that we don’t see our emotional and mental needs the same way we see physical ones, even though many times they are very related.

Where’s all this coming from? A few weeks ago, I went on a spiritual yoga retreat with about 15 other women. We spent time in meditation and learning about energy and chakra balance and spent time thinking and sharing about the things that hold us back. I spent a lot of time examining some negative beliefs I’ve made in my own mind about myself that are untrue and need to be dismantled.  Originally when I found out I was able to go on the retreat, I was really excited. A lake house, organic vegan food by my friend the chef, yoga and meditation – sounds relaxing and fun! And while that part was fun, there was a lot of work done in those two days. When I drove away, I realized that there was even more work to be done. A lot more…

Working it out in my journal

So, I spent some time praying and meditating about how overwhelmed I felt with all that had come up over the weekend. I knew I needed to do some changing in order to grow into the space I want to go to next in my life. But I didn’t know where to start, what to do.  What came to me was this: You need to accept help. Remember the “S” on my chest? I don’t really like to take it off, so I didn’t love the idea of getting help. I know this though: I can keep trying to figure this out mostly on my own, or I can accept the help I need to help me leap forward. I know that I have learned so much through my relationships with God and my friends and family. But having an objective person to help me go where I need to go is a gift. I think God sends us that kind of help too. So now I’m meeting with a coach who is helping me to sort out my focus, my needs, my weaknesses and my power. And it feels good to have the help!

It’s a good thing to have support, whether it’s informal friend counseling, prayer partners, or more experienced married couples helping in your marriage. Formal help can be incredibly powerful as well, whether in the form of a coach, reiki energy healer, counselor, psychologist or psychiatrist. The point is, we are human, not machines.  It’s ok to need and get help, even without a crisis. I’m getting my help to heal and move forward, and there’s no shame in that. You might find that getting the help you need helps to move you ahead in the direction you want to go.

Where do you want to go? Would getting support assist with moving you there? Do you feel shame when you think about seeking help and if so, why? What do you think about getting help in your life? Please share in the comments below…

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my emotions. I have a lot of emotion about emotions! In order to move ahead, to do the things we have in front of us, it’s important that we are aware of and are clear about our emotions.

It seems like as a culture our view about emotions is negative. For me, sometimes I think I’d prefer to be machine-like, able to make objective decisions without considering how I feel about those decisions. Leaders who make big choices with unemotional ease are admired for their ability to separate emotionality from these choices. The words we use around emotions often carry a sense of judgement. We talk about women being “so emotional”, or shake our heads at people who seem “caught up in their emotions” as if they are trapped by them. These days we allow for anger and outrage as legitimate emotions. It’s ok to rage against the government, opposing political parties, people who have different world views than our own. But we feel like we have to hide our sadness, depression, anxiety, fear, and even hope and joy. We fear they might be used as tools against us, because we think they are signs of our weakness.

Frustrated and angry…

You know, while we admire those take-charge, completely in control leaders who seem to be unaffected by emotion, deep inside I’m suspicious of them too. I don’t trust them, because they don’t seem like me. How can they be if they don’t have emotions when I do? Even though I like to be thought of as bulletproof and unfazed by the thoughts and feelings of those around us, I know I’m not. I’ve taught myself to believe that it’s good to lack emotion. Be objective. Not let my judgment be clouded with feelings. Do you know what I mean? But is it really best this way? Emotions allow connection, and as humans, we are wired for connection with each other. What if trying to remove emotion from my interactions is causing me to become disconnected, both from others and from the life I’m called to live? What if pushing away how I feel is causing me to miss out on my most deep and meaningful connections and experiences?

I’ve been wondering where this fear of our emotions comes from. I’m sure that there are as many reasons as there are people, but I think that a common thread is the fear that comes with vulnerability. I remember some times when I shared my feelings and thoughts as a kid and getting clear feedback that my thoughts didn’t matter. That hurt. Vulnerability carries the risk of pain, and most people are adverse to experiencing pain. So we learn to protect ourselves from that pain by being selective about sharing ourselves. Then when we do share ourselves, we dull our feelings by not hoping for too much from those we share with. The problem with that approach is this: If we can’t share ourselves fully, how can we experience our joy fully? We will experience the pain of the hard times in our lives, but if we numb ourselves so we don’t hurt too badly, we also are numb to the truly good moments as well.

What if we thought about emotions differently? What if emotions aren’t “good” or “bad”, but information? I was just talking to my kids about this one morning earlier this week. Kids are so much better at showing their emotions, aren’t they? They were all snappy at each other and cranky about something. I stopped them mid-Spanish lesson to find out what was going on. When they saw I wasn’t going to let them keep biting at each other, you could see them try to pull themselves back in. Now, self-control is absolutely something I want my kids to grow in, but we needed to go deeper. I asked them to think about what they were feeling and take that feeling as information. What was the feeling telling them? How could they use that information? If the feeling was tired and cranky, they could choose to take a nap later in the afternoon. If they were angry because a sibling disrespected them, they could choose to resolve the conflict instead of letting it fester. I also gave them permission to “take a minute”. If they were feeling something but couldn’t identify it or weren’t ready to make a good choice, they could say, “I need a minute”, and no questions asked, they would be excused to go think and pray about what was in their heart. They seemed relieved and agreed to try this the next time they were feeling something tough.

Taking a moment…

Now, what would happen if we did this with our emotions? I know I don’t do this all the time! My processing speed (see the computer analogy there) is faster than the kids, but I often act out from hurt or frustration or fatigue. Then I feel that if I were more in control of my emotions, my bad behavior wouldn’t have happened. Then I feel badly for my behavior and flog myself mentally, but that hasn’t helped me work through the emotion. I just heaped more negative feelings on top, like rotten whipped cream on melted ice cream – nothing good there! Here’s what I’m learning about me: I get my feelings hurt easily, because I’m a sensitive and intuitive person. I’m learning to love that part of me, but I still feel myself cringe as I write this, mainly because there’s still a spark of fear that that information will be used against me. In my efforts to protect my sensitive self, I get angry with lightening speed (because that’s an “acceptable” emotion, right?). I also battle anxiety, that sense that I’m going to miss something, or forget something important. As a physician, there is no margin for error that’s considered acceptable. We know physicians are human, but they’d better not make a mistake at work. Then I live with the fear that I think most parents have, which is that I’m going to mess up my children. When it comes to them, I can feel defensive and judgmental, even if it’s only inside and the thoughts don’t come out of my mouth.

So I’m learning to use my emotions as information, as signs that I need to pay attention to something. If I “take a minute”, I’ll realize that I’m hurt my husband didn’t wash the dishes and tell him so, instead of snapping at him about some unrelated annoyance. If I breathe and recognize that I’m exhausted, I’ll remind myself to slow down with the kids and express how I’m feeling worn out. Then they get to exercise compassion for mommy and help me out with what has to be done before bedtime. See that? Me being vulnerable allows others to be tender with me, then we are closer. The alternative is me lashing out in frustration, which causes anyone around that wrath to want to get away from me, severing the connections I really need.

Sister connection

We are all growing in this awareness that our emotions are to be used instead of ignored. Even pop culture is encouraging this understanding. Did you see the kid’s movie Inside Out? The little characters were different emotions inside a little girl’s head, and she had to learn that they each had a role, even the ones that were hard or unpleasant. We are emotional beings and this is a good thing. We are more whole when we acknowledge and integrate our feelings in our lives. It’s hard, but I’m going to keep reaching for the wholeness of my heart and mind, good and painful emotions included. I may not do it well all the time, and I know I hurt others around me far more than I’d like to, but I’m growing. And that is a very good thing!

How do you think about emotions? What do you do with the information you get from your feelings? Please share in the comments section below…

Recently I’ve been feeling like some sort of good change is coming. Do you know what I mean? When something seems to be happening on the horizon, even when you’re not sure exactly what it is? I’ve had a sense of something percolating up inside that tells me that a shift in my life is about to happen. So, my organizing, planner, type A self says to me, “Get ready!” But get ready for what, exactly? How do you get ready for something when you’re not clear about what it is?

Here’s the thing: something is always about to happen. I’m not talking about tragedies like major illness or death – no one ever is ready for that (though your life works at preparing you). Whether we feel the winds of change or not, something is always ahead. We just don’t know that it’s coming! Now, that can scare you silly waiting for “the other shoe to drop” or you can be anticipating the goodness that is ahead. But what do you do in the meantime?

So often, we are running top speed through our lives, and we aren’t waiting for anything. It’s so busy! There have been times where I think if I add one more thing to my schedule, I’ll just keel over in exhaustion. Sometimes there’s a space that comes, like when you finish a big project, or graduate from school, or end a chapter in your life. And that question comes, “What’s next?” Or, like for me right now, I’m running like crazy, but I feel like it’s a warm up to a big change in my life. And there’s some preparation to be done so I can take on the next adventure.

How do you get ready? Well, I don’t know exactly. This won’t be a 12 step, how-to, I’ve-done-it-now-here’s-how-you-do-it list of what to do. But I can tell you what I’m doing to get ready. See if any of these things resonate with you as you move forward in your life…

Set your intention

When’s the last time you asked yourself, “What do you want?” I don’t mean little things like whether you really want a new pair of sandals for the summer or where you want to take your next vacation. I mean, what do you want to see happen in your life? Don’t limit yourself with logic and reason, just open yourself to the question. Do you love your work? Are you living in a way that is in alignment with your dreams for your life? Does your home life comfort and draw you in? If you keep living the way you are currently living, will you be where you hope in 20 years? These are hard questions, and they take time to think about. You also may have other questions that come to mind. But if you ask these questions and the answer is no, then you need to decide what you want. Where do you need to make changes?

You can’t move toward a goal you haven’t defined. Setting an intention is about allowing yourself to look deep and feel your way to what you want. We often won’t ask what we want because we’re afraid of disappointment – if we don’t ask for anything, we can’t be disappointed when we don’t get it. But this is dulling our lives, because we won’t allow ourselves to experience great gifts and joy because of our fear. I’ve done this for years. Now I’ve decided that I don’t want to look back and realize that I did everything I could to avoid disappointment and didn’t really experience my life, the good as well as the challenges that came. Now I’d rather dream big, ask for the great things I want and maybe not get them, than never ask and regret that I didn’t dare to live.  And as long as I’m breathing, I still have time to live this life. So I’m asking myself, what do I want?

My commonplace notebook – for my inspirations

Daydream

Sometimes when you ask yourself what you want, you get nothing. Crickets. And that’s ok – we aren’t used to asking the question! One way to get to some answers is to make some space, sit and daydream. You remember daydreaming? Looking out the window and thinking about whatever ran through your head? Or maybe nothing at all? This was natural when we were kids, and then many of us were shamed into believing that we were “wasting time” and taught to worship the god of productivity. Here’s the problem with that thinking: when we work and “produce” nonstop, our brains don’t have time to process and make new connections. This stunts creativity, which is exactly what we need to create new and different things. I know it takes time, and we feel like there’s no time for anything. I want to fidget when I even think about sitting still without something to do! But sometimes, you just have to get your butt in the chair (or in the hammock, or lay in the grass, or on the bench by the lake, or… you get the point). Taking moments to do nothing is worth it. You will be more productive when you make space than when you pack your time so tight that you can’t breathe. Make some space!

Mediate

Have you started your meditation practice yet? Why not? I know I’ve talked about meditating in these posts before, and you might be tired of hearing about all the benefits of meditation (improves sleep, immunity, brain function, reduces stress, increases interconnectedness… Ok, I’ll stop.) Actually, just one more. Meditation will help you to find the stillness you need to hear what’s happening deep inside yourself. Now, don’t roll your eyes! I know it’s not easy, especially at first. Sometimes, there’s so much noise in my head that I can’t imagine how I’m going to make it quiet in there.That’s why meditation is a practice, not a goal. You’re not going to perform meditation correctly, or “arrive” in a point of perfect stillness.  But you will have moments of clarity and stillness, more as you practice regularly. You will get more out of a daily 5-10 minute consistent practice than 45 minutes once or twice a week. Take the time to sit quietly and focus only on your breathing, knowing that your mind will wander (that’s natural, just come back to your breathing).  As you get more practiced at this focus, the things you are looking for will come up from deep inside. Remember to journal what you’re thinking and learning. Writing helps you to hold on to what you’ve gained!

What are you doing to move ahead? Please share in the comments section below!

“Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food.” Hippocrates

If I’m talking about food as medicine, then why the picture of chocolate cupcakes? What kind of “medicine” is that? They’re not even healthy! Well, even in a healthy diet there’s room for an occasional treat. Of course, there are many, many healthy foods to eat, but there’s also a reason for these cupcakes! Keep reading…

Recently I’ve been working with my four year old on her eczema. She developed it first when she was 18 months old, and it’s worsened over the past year or two, mostly around her knees, elbows and ankles. When the weather cooled off this fall, the eczema got more inflamed and itchy. It’s a sad thing to take your baby to the potty in the middle of the night and watch her scratch in her sleep when you put her back in the bed. At first, I thought it was the weather, but so far the season has been very warm for winter (global warming even in Georgia). Shea butter, warm baths, olive oil soaps all seemed to have been helpful in the past, but when I had to resort to bleach baths and steroid creams, I knew I had to get radical to get her some relief.

Bleach and steroids…Not what I want on my four year old!

This is not a one-size-fits-all kind of post. What I’m doing may not work for everyone, but I want to talk about the effect of diet on our individual selves. We are all different and our genetic makeup plays a role in what our bodies express, but our diet can help (or harm!) our bodies tremendously. My baby girl is a good example of this. Out of the four kids, she’s the only one with severe nut allergies and eczema. I have a severe allergy to brazil nuts, but nothing else. Apparently, this tendency toward nut allergies is in other members of my family too. So, she just was the one who got the genes for the nut allergy. The eczema is different, because while it isn’t an allergy, it’s definitely related and common in people with allergies. While it may not be caused by a food allergy, something she was eating was causing it to flare up. And I was going to figure it out!

My cutie pie!

The most common foods that cause sensitivity reactions are wheat, eggs, dairy, and soy. Next comes corn, peanuts, shellfish, tree nuts, fish, artificial dyes, preservatives, and artificial sugars. Regular sugars can also foster inflammation in the body, though rarely an allergy. Since my munchkin was already off of nuts and eggs and doesn’t do much dairy, wheat/gluten was next. I’d been avoiding putting her on a gluten free diet for a while – thinking about replacing bread, crackers, snacks and more was enough to make me put it off. But when the skin around her ankles started cracking and her skin pigment was fading because of the inflammation, I decided to go for it.

This is improved, but the pigment hasn’t returned yet…

Lo and behold, her skin improved dramatically! While the bleach baths were minimally helpful and the steroids did their job, the gluten free diet was as effective or more than the steroids. She doesn’t complain about being itchy except occasionally. And she’s not scratching in her sleep!  Let’s be clear: I am not saying she has a gluten allergy. A true gluten allergy is celiac disease, which is very rare. But I do think she has a gluten sensitivity, which she may or may not grow out of in the coming years. And now I can modify her diet to help her to be more comfortable. And as a mom, that’s comforting to me.

So as we wrap up birthday season, we have been making gluten free cupcakes so that everyone can participate in the festivities. See, we don’t always eat healthy in this family! The kids like them better than the regular cupcakes I used to order from Whole Foods (which were super cute!), and they preferred to decorate them the way they wanted. This recipe is super easy, so don’t be afraid to make these as cupcakes or a cake for your next party or event!

Dark Chocolate Cupcakes (adapted from a cake recipe at addapinch.com “The Best Chocolate Cake {Ever}”)

Makes 12 cupcakes (half the cake recipe)

Ready to bake!

Ingredients

• 1 cup gluten free all purpose flour
• 1 cup coconut sugar (you can use granulated)
• scant 1/2 cup cocoa powder
• 1 tsp baking powder
• 3/4 tsp baking soda
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 1/2 tsp cinnamon (optional)
• 1/2 cup milk
• 1/4 cup coconut oil (can use vegetable oil)
• 1 egg
• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• 1/2 cup hot brewed coffee

The batter – looks thin, but makes very moist cupcakes!

Instructions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Line cupcake tin with paper liners (or butter and flour the cups)
2. Add flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, salt to your mixer and blend well.
3. Add milk, oil, vanilla, and egg to the mixer and mix on medium speed until well combined. Reduce the speed of the mixer and add the hot coffee. Then beat on high speed to add air to the batter. It will be a thin batter.
4. Distribute the batter evenly between the cups and bake 14-17 minutes, until a toothpick or cake tester comes out clean from the center of the cupcake.
5. Remove from the oven and allow to cool 10-15 minutes, then cool completely on a baking rack.

Batter in the cups!

Frost and decorate however you like! My oldest requested whipped cream for frosting for her birthday and the twins want powdered sugar and some sort of decoration in the top. Whatever you choose, it’ll be fun!

The finished cakes. Aren’t they beautiful?

Have you ever made diet changes to improve or cure a medical condition? Please share in the comments below!