Category Archives: Inspirations

It all started with the eclipse…

So, a few weeks ago we started talking about seeing the eclipse. We knew we lived close to the zone of the total eclipse, and we thought it might be a fun experience. Then Perry watched a TED talk that convinced him (and then me) that it was a no-to-be-missed event. I had the day off anyway and he was able to adjust his work schedule, so it seemed like God wanted us to take the kids to see this glorious event as a family. We thought we’d drive up the night before and stay somewhere, watch the eclipse, and drive home after.  As soon as we started looking for places to stay, we realized what a big deal this really was. There was nothing available – not a hotel room, campsite, or room for rent anywhere in a reasonable driving distance. Apparently, people planned years in advance to be at this thing. Who knew? We made some calls and the day before we needed to go, a family at our church in Columbia SC offered to host us overnight. We packed up the stuff and the kids and hit the road.

We spent the night in South Carolina and had a fun time getting to know this remarkably hospitable, loving, and interesting family. They prepared dinner for us, cleared their living room for the seven of us to have a place to sleep, and spent the evening sharing their home. Dad was a gentle giant who welcomed us in and made smoked pork for our dinner together.  Mom was a gardener, old fashioned scratch cook and homemade bread and soap maker. Their son was an accountant and writer with an amazing character voice, and their daughter was a fun college student who shared her bearded dragon with the kids. We got up the next morning, had breakfast and headed out to find our spot.

We ended up at a park near the highway, thinking we’d need to hit the road as soon as the eclipse was over. We ate lunch and laid around watching the progress of the moon across the sun with our eclipse glasses. About an hour before the total eclipse, the clouds moved in. Right over the sun. And they didn’t move.

We thought about leaving and driving further down the road away from the clouds, but we didn’t. I’m not sure why, other than we didn’t know where we’d go. I kept thinking that God could move the clouds, and surely he would, because he wanted us to see this, right? But that’s not how it happened. Perry and I were incredibly frustrated. The kids cried. It was not what we had hoped for, not by a long shot. So, we packed up and drove home. Our two hour drive home became a grueling five hour ordeal because of the traffic. We stopped at a Starbucks to get Perry a little caffeine to help on the drive, and as I waited at one of the tables, kids surrounding me, I teared up and started to cry. Why did we go through all this and still not see the eclipse?

In the midst of the planning for the trip to SC, I was working on multiple projects on my computer: schedules for work, email catchup, blog stuff. The computer started running slow and nothing I did would get it going again. So I did a hard restart. And the computer wouldn’t. It tried, but it just kept cutting off before it booted up completely. Now, this is a nine year old laptop, so of course something could go wrong at any moment. So you’d think I’d have backed up everything on a drive somewhere, right? Nope. I might be good at some things, but technology, not so much. So yeah, that was stupid, but I hadn’t backed up the computer, probably ever. So I broke out in a sweat, realizing I just lost 9 years of data in one moment. We immediately jumped into recovery mode and Perry stayed up late trying to get help from websites and whatnot, with no success. No appointments were available at the Apple store for days. We planned to take it in to a new shop near the house when we returned from Columbia. Remember the five hour drive? We didn’t make it.

So the next day after surgery I went directly to the computer repair store and left the computer for diagnostics. The verdict: the hard drive was corrupted and my data was unrecoverable. They could replace the drive, but my Tea Talks, my nutrition course data, my administrative forms for work – gone. Why? I know I should have backed it up, but God could have worked this out for me, right? Why was he saying no?

What my computer probably looks like right now…

Then Auntie A suggested a computer place that had fixed my mother-in-law’s computer with a similar problem as mine. Perry and I rushed to the shop, picked up the dead computer, and drove to the other computer store just before they closed. They seemed more positive and said they’d let me know in a day or two. At this point, neither of us had eaten and Whole Foods was nearby, so we went there to pick up dinner. When we put the food in the car I reached around the seat and ripped a hole in my favorite sweater. At this point, I was ready to lock myself in a rubber room before anything else happened. Yes, I’m being dramatic and yes, I understand that things could be much, much worse. But I was pretty over it anyway.

WHAT in the WORLD was going on? Is this a test? Is God trying to see if I’m really committed to him or if I’ll go back to relying on myself? (Yes, I actually read Job the day after the eclipse. I felt a little silly, but I needed to remember who was the human and who was God.) Did I do something wrong and am being punished?

It’s all about how I handle “no”. When I tell my children “no”, there are multiple reactions that I can and do get – having an attitude, crying, sulking, a fit. There’s really only one I’m looking for – trust. Know that I’m making a decision for your good, and follow my lead. I’m the mommy and I actually know what’s best here, ok? So why is it so hard for me to accept no when I hear it? Because that means something is not going the way I think it should. And I think I know the best way.

So here’s what I came to. Does God really know the best way or not? I think he does. Perry decided that if he had made a decision and we left the park, we would have seen the eclipse and he wished he had done that. What if God was helping Perry to see a way he supposed to change? While we were watching the clouds, I said something about leaving before the eclipse, but didn’t insist. And after, I absolutely was not going to say anything about it. That would have been like throwing gasoline on a fire. What if God was helping me to be more interested in loving Perry and the kids instead of being “right” about moving for the eclipse? What if the kids watching me cry helped them to be more honest with their emotions? What if they learn to deal with disappointment with us through this? Maybe I gained more than I lost this week…

Well, how’d it turn out? I sewed up the hole in my sweater, and while it’s not as good as it was, the repair is on the back of an arm, so you can’t see it much and I can still wear it. We’re looking forward to the next North American eclipse (2024) and are playing with the idea of traveling to an earlier one. Hey, gotta try for the kiddos, right? (Wink!) And the computer? They tell me they may have been able to recover my data and install a new hard drive. I’ll pick it up tomorrow and check it out. So all’s well? Yes and no. I’m still disappointed I didn’t see the eclipse, but I’m not bitter. And I’ve learned a lot about computers this week (and the importance of backing them up!). And I’ve grown in trusting God in these small things, even when the answer is no.

What about you? How do you handle no? Please share in the comments below!

(For those of you who want to know if we saw anything at the eclipse, the photo at the very top of the post is us at the eclipse at 2:37 pm. Looks like sunset, doesn’t it?)

Ok everyone, it’s confession time. I’ve been slippin’…

Why Dr Christian Parks, wonder woman, mom extraordinaire, whatever do you mean? (Are you catching the sarcasm?) It’s week 52 of this blog, one year worth of posts (though I may have missed a week or two), and with all the thoughts and advice I’ve shared, now I’m going to talk about messing up? What kind of milestone post is this? Well, I don’t really want to talk about it either, but it seems that this is the topic for the week, so here it is.

I’ve gained weight.

How much? About 10 pounds. Big deal, right? It doesn’t really matter if you gain a few pounds after babies and all, does it? Well, here’s the thing. If you go back to week one of this blog and you read How I Lost My Weight, you’ll see why this is a very big deal to me. Losing 55 pounds was a transformative experience for me, and for the most part I had maintained that weight loss. Until after the last baby…

Yeah, I’ll keep her! (It’s herbal tea…)

And? And I don’t like to mess up, or admit failure, or be imperfect, or lose ground I’ve worked hard to cover already. Yes, I’ve talked about my perfectionist tendencies and they are flying their flag right now. I’d rather not disclose this information publicly, because it’s embarrassing. How do I talk about health and nutrition and weight loss success and gain weight? Doctor?

So why am I writing about it here? I’m going to answer that, but first let me give you a little update on the last week. After my mini retreat, I spent a lot of time continuing my conversations with God, about any and everything. And it was great! I felt connected and cared for, and things were going well. But one day late in the week I got on the scale and again, the number was going up. It’s been a ongoing frustration over the past four years, but even more in the past year or so. It seems that every time I gain some water weight from hormone fluctuations (as we women will do), it doesn’t seem to ever really go all the way back down to where I started from. And that means a gradual, real weight gain.

I talked to God about it, and I was frustrated. Keep in mind, this is not a new conversation. He reminded me that I know what I need to do, and I agreed – listening and talking to God over the past week was very reminiscent of how my weight loss journey happened. I had to exercise laser-like focus on listening to God for the signals for hunger and fullness, over and over and over again. For you naturally thin people, you get these signals and heed them automatically, but for me, I have to pay attention. Hard. And honestly, I just haven’t been giving that kind of effort in my eating, and I really hate to have to own up to it. But I hate the gradual weight gain and the feeling of backsliding into a place I promised I’d never return WAY more.

So why share all this here? I’m getting there. Each week I ask God what he wants me to write about, and he answers. Often it’s something I’m learning, and it may or may not be something I’m feeling good about. This week when I asked, the answer was to share about where I am in my weight loss journey. And I argued. Ever do that? Why do I think arguing with God is a good idea? But he was persistent. He said, “Why don’t you want to share?” Truthfully, I didn’t want to write it here because I’m afraid. If I don’t lose the weight, then I look like a hypocrite. And when I said that, he asked why I thought I wouldn’t lose the weight? I said because if I haven’t been able to do it over the past four years, I might not be disciplined enough to do it now. And I could feel him watching me, waiting for me to catch up to the understanding that I was the problem. My weight has been all about me for the past four years, instead of about him. I could feel him saying to me, “I did it before. Why don’t you think I can do it again? Who do you think I really am?” He was right, of course.

Well, there it is. It took me all week to let go of the idea that a different post could be written this week and to sit down and write this one. But here’s the good part: I feel better. I’m strengthening my laser focus and listening and I’m waiting to be hungry. I’m not eating because it’s time to eat, and I’m eating smaller portions. I’m back on the wagon, so to speak. And no, it’s not easy, and I feel out of practice, like starting a new exercise regimen. There is one difference this time though, and I think it’s the one that matters most. I’m not doing this just for the number on the scale or so that my smallest pants will be loose again or so I can claim I lost X number of pounds and kept them off. I hope that all happens! But, I’m doing this so my most important skill, my laser-focus listening to God return and grows as a powerful strength. I need that power to use in so many areas of my life!

When I lost weight the first time, I had one small baby, no blog, and very little understanding of holistic health. And it was hard, but I lost that weight. Now, I have four school aged kids, I lead our group at work, write this blog, homeschool and am sharing integrative medicine and holistic health everywhere I can. I cannot do all that I’m being called to do well without guidance from God. So I’m returning to where I need to be, and it’s a good place to find myself growing.

So I’ll keep writing the blog, and working on my sex ed curriculum, and expanding my nutrition and holistic therapies knowledge (and going to work and taking care of the family!). But I will be practicing first at listening to God, especially in the area of when and what to eat. And this time, it will be more of a joy, because the fruit of my efforts will be greater than a number on a scale. I can’t wait to see what will come!

Have you ever found yourself backsliding? Please tell me I’m not the only one! How do you get back on track? Please share in the comments below!

I’ve had a really hard question to answer recently. Stay with me – I bet you’ve gotten this question before too! Since I’ve been back, I’ve been seeing folks at church and work and stores and each of them ask the same question: How was your vacation?

It’s really hard to answer! My difficulty in answering the question is that I feel like what I just did on that week away wasn’t a “vacation”. I’ve been kidding around that I’m going to invent another word for vacation with kids – it’s just too much work to carry the title “vacation”! But, it was time away from work, and it was a change of scenery and time with my parents, so it was a good time.  Yet…

The result of coming off of a busy week away with the kids is that I’ve been feeling a little disconnected lately. It’s not that I haven’t been trying to stay connected to God, but when you have the hustle of feeding and entertaining kids in a new place, the myriad needs of a multigenerational family, not enough sleep, and the extensive travel to get to and from the vacation, the result was exhaustion. Add to that returning to a very busy week at the hospital and trying to dig out of the mountain of work that piled up while I was away, and I am whipped. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very grateful for the trip! I don’t want to sound like “poor me, I had to go on a great vacation with my kids!” But despite doing yoga and meditation and trying hard to stay connected to the Source, I’ve felt farther away than I’ve been. And no matter what else is going well, if that’s off, then nothing else matters.

So after working at the hospital through the weekend, I had Monday off. Now, usually I schedule time off to run errands, cook, and get caught up on my list. I rarely actually take time off. It’s just a day working with my mommy hat on! But as I was driving to an appointment with my coach, I was thinking about what I would do with the rest of the day and I heard God ask me why I fill up all my off time with so many things to do. Now, I’m sure there are some deep seated issues behind why I do that, but I didn’t spend time thinking about those. I just thought about the question: why do I do that? And is that what I should do today?

So after my session, I made the decision not to fill up the day with things to do. I was going to spend the day with God, and that was it. That was what was needed most. I started immediately. As soon as I got back in the car, I started talking to God, asking him what to do with the day. I got home and prepared the kids that I’d be communing all day with God. First, I made a beautiful pot of tea and washed a bowlful of cherries (my favorite fruit!).

Then I burned a stick of white sage and prayed throughout the house, clearing each room. I opened the windows and aired everything out. Meditation was next, sitting in my room with the sun streaming through the windows. Mostly, I meditated and listened, but I also ate the cherries and drank tea and talked to God about whatever I was thinking. Then I went outside and walked barefoot in my backyard. Since the kids were inside doing school and I had the yard to myself, I swung on the swing set for awhile. After one errand, I had a meditative lunch and took a short nap. Then it was time to rejoin the family!

In the backyard…

Doesn’t sound like much, does it? I didn’t get a lot of things done – I spent the day communing with God. What do I mean commune? Commune: to converse or talk together, to be in intimate communication or rapport (yes, I looked that up!). And that’s what I did. I worked at connection for the day. Really though, it wasn’t completely about what I did. It’s also about what I didn’t do. I didn’t:

clean

cook

organize

write lists

run around doing stuff

I’m learning. In order to be my best self, for me to be able to love and give and serve and do, I need to be well. I actually need to be cared for. Healing the healer has to come before caring for others. I bet you’re the same. You are best able to give to whomever you have in your life when you have something in your tank to give. The problem is, we think that taking care of our needs is either selfish or weak. Neither is true. We need because we’re human. Some of the highest expressions of our humanity come when we are giving. But we can’t give when we’re empty, though we try over and over to give from sheer power of will. At least, I do. Then I wonder why I’m snappy and frustrated and dragged – and that what it feels like. Like I’ve been dragged behind a cart, that I’m dragging myself from one thing to another, that the day just drags along. Who wants to live like that?

Maybe the better question is: Does God want us to live like that? When I’m close and hearing him, I know that he wants so much better than that for us. Living connected, staying in the flow of his energy and love, that’s so very different than the way I’m used to running through my life. And I can think that doing things my way is how I can be most productive and fulfilled. The truth actually is that the more I commune with him, the better choices I make, the more productive I am, the better I feel, and the more I have to give. So for my good, the good of those I love and live with, and for the health and healing I want to give to my community, my need for connection with my source isn’t a nice idea or an extra – it’s essential.

So I’m back to my meditation and prayer walks and yoga. But I’m consciously talking to him through the day, about whatever I’m working through or thinking about. It takes practice, and it’s easy to forget and jump on autopilot. But I’m trying hard to stay connected, to meet my need, to know him and to let myself be known. It’s not perfect and sometimes it’s a little scary, but it’s a practice. And I feel good!

Have you left your needs behind? What do you do to take care of yourself? Please share in the comments below!

Welcome back! It’s been a good week so far. It’s been busy as usual, but I’m taking a couple of days off for my birthday this weekend – yea, birthday! Anyway, the theme for this week has been fairly obvious for me –  I’m going to talk about forgiveness. It’s a topic that has come up over and over in the past four days, which generally means I’m getting beat over the head with something I’d better pay attention to! I’ve been feeling out of sorts with my honey lately, as can happen from time to time. His parents were in town, and then he’d been planning a church service, and he was working and the basketball finals were on and… Well, I wasn’t feeling taken care of.  I had some things I wanted him to work on for awhile and he said he would, but they got pushed back over and over, so I was annoyed. Frustrated. Ticked off. Whatever – I wasn’t feelin’ him, you know? That wasn’t really the problem though. The problem was that I couldn’t get past it. I just did not want to let him off the hook. What was that all about? We’ll come back to that…

Nope, not getting off that hook…

This is how the week started. I went to do my energy work and yoga therapy with my healer and we did a lot of meditation on love and forgiveness. There’s a lot going on and all my projects are screaming for attention. I’m giving a talk next weekend on Food As Medicine and it’s coming together, but planning an event always has so many details to keep track of, right? So I’m planning and cooking and preparing.  Also, the annual seminar for my kids’ homeschool group was the first few days of the week, so I took off a few days to attend the class. Of course, I still had work to do for the office, so I was working on the September schedule during the seminar and taking notes at the same time, texting back and forth to my office about changes that needed to be made in the schedule this month, looking up recommended curriculum on amazon, and picking out books for the upcoming school year. Yes, it was just as scattered and nutty as it sounds. And I had this dark, mean, angry moment. This voice deep down inside said so clearly to me, “You’re not doing anything well. You’re a crappy mom, a half-baked lead of your group, and you’re a failure as a wife. Why are you even here?” As in, on this earth.

That’s when I started to get clear on where the problem really was. It wasn’t in what my husband did or didn’t do, or whether I had too much to get done, or even if I was doing anything well or not. It was that I am unwilling to forgive myself. For so many things I do, I sit as judge, jury and executioner and the verdict is almost always negative.  I often see grace and reasons for forgiveness for other people, but when I’m at my darkest, I’m not going to get any. That is a hard place to be, and it’s certainly not a place where forgiveness is overflowing to others. This is why I couldn’t let my husband off the hook – because I wouldn’t let me be forgiven either.

Not a good place to be…

I wish I could say that I prayed and figured it all out. That I’m all sweetness and light and love and I’m good now, thanks! But that’s not true. Here’s what is true: I’m making progress. I’ve been meditating on the “Be” part of “Be still and know that I am God”. Because I’m a doer, that’s a tough one. But what I’m hearing is that it’s ok to be me. Just be.

Then I was looking at the books for sale at the seminar and there was a book on peacemakers. I started reading bits of it and while I was reading one of the stories of reconciliation, I started to tear up. Actually, I wanted to throw the book across the room. That reaction generally tells me that a chord has been plucked in me, so that’s how I know it’s something I need to read and work through. I immediately bought the book. So I’ll be moving through that soon.

I’m also praying. I made a commitment 18 years ago that I would live in a way that honors God. I’m not even a little perfect (as much as I’d like to be!), but I hate hypocrisy, so either I go forward and learn this lesson of forgiveness or I’m not keeping my promise to God. His forgiveness is perfect, so I have an example to follow! So I’m praying and listening to go the expansive, loving, open and vulnerable way of forgiveness. So far, I have been able to make up with my husband and that feels more peaceful. I’m learning this: holding someone to a place of guilt or judgement doesn’t work. It binds me up, it separates the two of us, and it isn’t my place to make someone else change or do better or differently. That change comes to them when it needs to, when they are ready and Spirit moves them, not when I say it should happen.  That’s freeing for me, because now I can take off the black robes and put down the gavel. I get to choose whether I want to live in love and forgiveness. And I like it there, so I’m going to learn how to spend my time in that spirit!

That’s all I’ve got for now. Gotta go work on this talk for next week!

How do you forgive yourself? What do you do to be gentle and loving to you? Please share in the comments below – I need to hear what you have to say!

Welcome back everyone! This week we’re going to wrap up The Love Series by talking about a topic that can be hard to grasp. I want to explore the idea of being worthy of love. Most of us find it fairly easy to see the wonderful in other people. We admire accomplishments and successes in the people in our lives and marvel at the beautiful in their heart and character. But when we turn our eyes back onto ourselves, suddenly the lens goes dark. Our eye becomes more critical and harsh. We see every misstep and error as glaring evidence against us, as justification for why we aren’t as lovable as everyone else. At least, I do.

What is this? Here’s what happens to me. I spend time with a friend and as I listen to her, I see all over again why I love her in the first place. I remember her kindness, her generosity, her vulnerability and I love her even more. Never mind that she’s scatterbrained sometimes or wasn’t able to help the last time I needed something. That’s just a little thing – I love her anyway. I mean really, look at all the good in her! And then I yell at my kids. And instead of remembering all the times I’ve talked them through their fights or reminded them calmly to clean up their things for the 2769th time, what I know in that moment is why I shouldn’t even be allowed to be around them unsupervised because I am unfit as a human. Yep, sounds dramatic, but that’s what’s in my head. Sometimes I wonder why God gave me these children – I’m just ruining them! Or, I have the opportunity to love on my husband, but I have a list a mile long and I just really have to get through it all before I pass out for the night and doesn’t he understand how much of the load I’m carrying? That’s when I remember, how I’m so quick to put my to-do list first that I’m missing the chance to make a memory with the love of my life. Why did he marry me in the first place? I’m that foolish woman in Proverbs 14:1, tearing my own house down. I wouldn’t want to be married to her!

That critical voice…

So over and over again I see all the reasons that no one should love me. And I’m not loving me at all. Because I’ve decided that I’m just not worth it. Is anyone else feeling like this? It’s a hard, dark, lonely place to be. For a very long time, I wasn’t sure how I got here, again and again. But I’m starting to figure it out. See, ever since I was little I’ve been a caretaker, a healer. I was a big sister, I loved to take care of other people’s babies, I was the firstborn and I took pride in being responsible. So I learned to feel good about taking care of others, because that made me feel worthy. And doing for me? Well, that’s just me being selfish, right?

Nope. Not right. Not even a little. I had an epiphany some years back. I have three daughters, and I started thinking about what my life was teaching them. Running around on fumes like a mad woman, not taking a break, rarely feeding myself or nourishing my spirit because I was too busy. And I asked myself, “Would I want to see my girls living like this, exhausted and drained? Would I want them to believe that they didn’t matter compared to everyone around them?” Those questions stopped me in my tracks. I would NEVER want my girls to feel that way. They are too special, too wonderful to be treated like that. So am I. And so are you.

Yes, you!

I’m learning to see the light in me, the beauty that only I have to offer. (If you didn’t read it, see Part 1 of this series and you’ll see what I’m learning about me.) I’m learning to offer myself the grace that I offer the other people I love when they make a mistake. But it’s not just being gentle with myself when I make a mistake, or smiling at an effort I’ve made that didn’t go perfectly (instead of criticizing it). I’m learning that loving me is a requirement to loving others. I can’t give from a dry well. All that happens when I try to do that is frustration, a short-temper, and hurt feelings. The spirit girl in me wants to be loved too, seen and admired and cared for too. She has to matter too.

Sharing that love

And what about you? Aren’t you worthy of love? It’s hard to answer sometimes. You are. Here’s why: You were made as a unique and wonderful creation, and you are here to offer that beauty and light to the world in a way that no one else on earth can. Don’t you see that in your friends, your spouse, your children? So why not you? It doesn’t make sense for you (or me!) to be the only exception.

There are many of us who spend our lives taking care: of our children, our spouses, our friends, our patients and clients, and sometimes our parents. The caretakers, the healers, the givers have to be cared for before they can care for others. Here’s what I think: Those who give the most need to be cared for the most, because they have to pour themselves into others. If we aren’t being healed, cared for, loved, then the healing doesn’t pass on from us, the caring isn’t felt, the love isn’t flowing out. Needing love and healing isn’t something to feel guilty or selfish about. That would be like feeling selfish about needing to breathe or drink water! I feel that way sometimes. But I’m learning better. The more I want to pass on healing and love to those in my life, the more I need to spend time nourishing and loving my own heart. I’m becoming convinced, finally, that I am lovable and worthy of love.

Surrounded by love

What about you? Do you know that you’re worthy of love? Share what you’re learning about loving yourself in the comments below!

Ok everybody, take a deep breath. This is a hard one. And I’m not even going to pretend I have this one on straight, because I don’t. We live in a world that tells us that our bodies should look a certain way and if they don’t, we feel ashamed and inferior. I’m no different.

After about 25 years of being overweight, the way I am used to looking at my body is well ingrained. I’ve only been at my current size for 9 years and while I feel better about how I look and feel, I’m realizing that I’m still not very loving to my body. And you don’t have to be overweight to be critical of your body – it could be your color or height or hair or shape or whatever!  I know how badly I talk to myself about what I see. “Mmmm. your thighs are too big for those pants.” “You’re getting a muffin top. Are you seeing this? You’d better get it together!” “That dress would look so much better if your arms were thin. You’re gonna have batwings when you get older.” “Scrub harder. Maybe you can make your underarms lighter.” Ouch.

This started a long time ago. I know at age 8 I was pretty sure I was fat. Compared to the Caucasian girls I went to school with, my arms and thighs were bigger and more muscular, and I was shorter than almost everyone. My butt was definitely bigger!  The sad part really is, that my view of myself was warped. When I look back at pictures of myself at that age, I was normal. Not heavy at all.

I also remember thinking that my hands were ugly. My fingers were too thick and my nails weren’t feminine enough for me. With playing the violin, piano and then going on the the world of medicine, pretty painted fingernails weren’t part of my life very much. But while I was in residency, my honey took a picture of me grilling some food outside on a drizzly afternoon. The feature that really stood out in that picture to me was my hands holding the grill tools. They looked so strong and beautiful! Why did I think they weren’t? Where did that self-image come from?

Strong hands…

Unfortunately, it only got worse. I remember at one point realizing that the only part of my body that I liked was my feet. I do have pretty feet (at least if they’re pedicured, not ashy, and – sigh…) The criticism is everywhere! There was one time when I was about 14 years old that I complained to my grandmother, who was a straight shooter who didn’t accept any nonsense from anyone. I was telling her how I didn’t like my arms, and she looked at me and said, “They work, don’t they? What’s the matter with them?” It was like a splash of cold water. What was I really complaining about?

My feet

It’s time to change. How? It’s going to have to start within. If I’m talking with so much venom and hatred to myself inside, what comes out of me won’t be as nurturing and kind as I want it to be.  I’ve got to start talking to myself differently. I have to be loving myself and this body I live in. At this point though, it’s not natural and thinking about my body with gentle kindness feels forced and unnatural. Well, so is everything new I try at first! So I know what I need to do. How am I practicing it? It’s gonna take a lot of practice, so I need a way to get back on track when I let my routine of self destructive criticism take my thinking off the rails. Here’s what I’ve started doing so far:

I wrote a letter to my body.

Writing my letter to my body

That sounds really strange, right? I know. I felt odd, like I didn’t know what to say. But here’s what I did: I thanked my body for being strong and carrying me through so much, for being dependable and powerful. I wrote down all the things I could remember of all the ways my body has served me well. And I spent some time apologizing, for the times I treated my body poorly and didn’t care for it well, for berating it for not looking the way I wanted, and for abusing it with too much food and not enough sleep. Then I made my body a promise to love and care for it and treat it well. And if I made mistakes, I’d get back to being loving as fast as possible. I wrote it all down, so I could go back and remind myself of my promises and the good my body has done for me. It was a powerful exercise!

I’m practicing new thinking.

This means paying attention to my thoughts and criticisms of my body, stopping mid-thought and reworking the thought to be loving and kind. It’s hard! My negative self critique is an automated, well-oiled machine. So I miss some of the thoughts, but I keep trying. It’s going to take some time and effort to overhaul this thing, but I’m committed. The other thing I’m doing is practicing affirmations. I’m repeating thoughts that are uplifting and confirming about my body. It feels unfamiliar, and sometimes I’m not sure I believe what I’m saying, but I know it’s because I haven’t practiced enough yet. So I’m going to keep going! Here are some of the affirmations I’m using:

I love and accept my body.

I love and nourish my body with the food I eat.

My body is strong, healthy and light.

My body becomes more powerful and beautiful as I grow.

You can write your own! I have to really stop and think to create these affirmations, because I go blank when I try to say something positive about my body. But not for long, because the more I practice, the better I get. And soon, I’ll be seeing the beauty in my body the same way I see so much beauty in the people around me.

How about you? Do you wrestle with loving your body? How are you overcoming your inner self critic? Please share in the comments below!

Welcome – glad you’re here! The last couple of weeks have been light posts with some of my easy go-to recipes, and it’s been fun to share those with you. But at the same time, I’ve been reading and learning and feeling a lot. Doing all that reading, all that thinking, well, it can be a little much sometimes. All that processing, formulating, and working things out is exhausting!  And even though I’m tired, I’m learning some wonderful (and tough) things.

When I was a child, I spent a lot of time “in my head”. You know what I mean? I was a reader and was always thinking about something. But as you get older, you get told to “get out of your head”, be social, engage with the world. Usually on its terms. And we develop the habits of moving on autopilot, running at top speed all the time, and rarely taking the time to just think. Sometimes I feel as though taking time to let my heart and mind work through things is a luxury, something I can’t afford. I just plan and execute. Over and over.

Running my world on sticky notes…

Don’t get me wrong, I love my lists! And, I like being efficient and getting things done. It gives me great satisfaction to check things off the list. The other thing is, there really is a lot to do! It’s not as if I can get off the merry-go-round of work and family and responsibilities to go off on a monk-like retreat (though that sounds kinda good right now). So I just keep adding and subtracting things to and from the list. I’m a good little do-bee, getting it all done. But I’m getting lost in the doing, because I’m not really being.

What does that mean? Here’s what I’m talking about. I’ve spent years, decades at this point, doing lots of things in the name of advancement. Putting in the work to learn my craft, to take care of others, to build my life and career. And I’ve spent a lot of time asking, “What do the kids need? What does the family need? What is needed at work?” But what about me?  Who is me, anyway? When’s the last time you asked yourself what you like? What’s the small voice inside saying it needs? Who is that little being inside you who was there from your earliest memories? Do you even know?

Yep, it’s me!

So I started listening. And thinking. I’ve been trying hard to remember who I was, long ago. Who was I before I got the message to tone it down, that all of what I was wasn’t acceptable, wasn’t wanted? You remember the messages that said you were too much, too loud, too busy, not enough like everyone else. We all heard them. They were the ones that told us that we weren’t as pretty as the other girls, or not as smart or thin, or interesting, or worth listening to, or _____. You fill it in.

So what did I do? I did what most of us do: I built a wall around the me that I thought no one wanted to see. A more bland, beige, acceptable-for-public-consumption wall. And the me deep inside stayed behind the wall, thinking that the world didn’t really want to see her.

When I started listening and paying attention, the most wonderful thing started to happen: I could hear me again! And I liked her! See, I wasn’t sure if I would. Somewhere deep down, I thought that if she needed to be kept behind a wall, maybe I wouldn’t like her either. But I did. She isn’t as serious as the grown up me – she wants to have more fun! She also is very clear about what she needs. Sometimes it’s alone time. Sometimes it’s going out and being around people. But mostly, she wants to be heard and loved. And I’m doing both.

One of the things I asked myself about in the past few months was what I wanted to do for fun. And it was a tough questions to answer, because I didn’t know what I thought was fun. But one of the things I decided on was that I wanted to do a trampoline trapeze at the mall. You know, the thing where they strap you into a harness with bungee cords and you jump super high on a trampoline and do flips? Well, that’s what she wanted to do, so that’s what I did. And it was a lot of fun, and she was very pleased. And yes, I actually did some back flips!

Can you see my baby on the trapeze behind me?

That trapeze is just part of the beginning of letting me be who I am.  As I listen and remember who I am, what I bring to this world, I get to live the life I came here to live. The light in me that God put there before I was born wasn’t put there to be hidden behind a wall. Shining my light is what I’m here to do. There are meaningful, beautiful, purposeful things that I am here to do and share. They won’t be the same as the things that bring fire to your soul, because we each have our own.  Can you imagine what it would be like if each of us lived from a place of truth and passion and shared that light? That light would shine in our world and beyond!

So what about you? What’s your passion? Are you living this life the way you are meant to live it? Please share in the comments below!