Category Archives: Blog

NOCOMMENTS

How The Hum is Stopping Your Weight Loss

I went away with the family for a week to the North Georgia woods near the Blue Ridge Mountains. It was very peaceful, full of the sounds of nature. The nights were dark and full of stars, and the days were slow, accompanied by the sounds of falling leaves and acorns, the rustle of squirrel and deer, and the soft tones of wind chimes on the porch. We spent the days reading and playing board games, walking through the trees, and sitting around a firepit. It was a time to slow down.

While I was there I found a copy of one of Jon Kabat Zinn’s books on mindfulness and meditation that I hadn’t read. As I read a chapter at a time, swinging in a hammock chair, I was reminded of the importance of staying in the moment and not rushing ahead to other things in my mind (What are we having for dinner? Did I defrost the chili? Should I wash a load of clothes before the day gets away?). It helped me to enjoy the days instead of rushing through them in my mind. But I noticed something else.

I wake up sometimes at night. Most of us do, even if we don’t realize it. We roll over in the bed, shift around, and generally fall back asleep. For me, I don’t always fall right back asleep. My eyes find the light from the streetlights or the alarm clocks and I wake up more. My brain likes to get going with thoughts (How much more time do I have to sleep? I’m going to be tired when the alarm goes off. I need to remember to check on the library book due dates. Maybe I should call my mom while I drive to work tomorrow.) But in the dark of the forest night, I didn’t have that chatter, that “hum” in my mind. I’d wake up, look up at the stars in the inky night and fall back asleep.

We came home on Saturday. After the unpacking and resetting for the evening, we settled back into the routine of family life on the weekend. Everything seemed normal and as peaceful as a house with four kids generally is. I stayed up later than usual, catching up on email and getting organized, thinking I could sleep in a little Sunday morning before virtual church service. But at 6 am, before the light of dawn appeared, the hum began. (You need to get started on your list. Did you check if we have almond milk? You really should clean out that storage room. My hip is sore. I didn’t do enough yoga this week. What are you cooking for dinner? Maybe I should run to the store. If I do all the planning today then I can get more done on Monday. You know you’ve got a long week because you’re working all weekend. What are we going to do about Halloween? You’re so far behind. A good mom would have already gotten pumpkins. You haven’t even decorated! Your kids are going to miss out on Halloween because you are too busy doing other things. You know you ate too much this week. Stop telling yourself it’s water weight. How are you going to get it together this week? You’d better straighten up and get serious.)

I got up. With all that noise in my mind, I wasn’t going back to sleep. Besides, now I felt a low-level anxiety about all that needed to be done and I was feeling like garbage about myself. The restlessness alone was enough to eject me from the covers. I wish I could say that I went to pray and meditate, but I went into autopilot. I don’t even remember what I did other than write a few things down, make tea, and eat handfuls of cashews before church. I didn’t eat my own lunch but picked at the Chipotle that everyone else ordered (I declined my own order, thinking that skipping lunch would be better to get off the vacay weight). I picked at dinner because I made spaghetti for the family because it was fast and easy, but I don’t eat pasta (too much bloat) and I didn’t plan anything ahead of time for myself. You’d think that the scale went down the next day and all the deprivation was worth it.

It didn’t. It wasn’t.

This is why the hum matters. I thought at first that the noise in my head was from being away from the peace of the forest, from not being on vacation anymore. And to a small degree, it was. I had allowed the change in scenery and the time away to help in letting my normal pattern of thinking fade. But as soon as I came home, I fell back into the pattern of background thinking that I’ve gotten used to, even when I didn’t need to on a Sunday morning. The problem with the hum is that it plays in the background and we rarely notice it. The thoughts just speed by and we feel uneasy or stressed or anxious and we’re not really sure why. I was fortunate. The hum that resumed seemed louder than usual because it had quieted while we were away, so I paid attention. Working on my mindfulness prepared me to slow and capture the thoughts, so I figured out what I was doing as I fell back into my pattern.

When we let the hum run unchecked, we live unintentionally. We act in ways that we don’t want to and don’t understand. We snack and eat foods that don’t support us because the background chatter says that we deserve to eat because we’re tired or work so hard, or because it won’t matter anyway because diets don’t work for me and I’m just stuck and this weight isn’t ever coming off anyway. We don’t start with questioning the thoughts because we don’t know they’re there. We sabotage our weight loss because we don’t support ourselves in our minds from the beginning, so our actions follow.

So what do we do about the hum? First, we tune in and listen. What thoughts are being offered by our hard-working brains? The brain tries to be efficient and think thoughts that have been thought before, so it’s likely that when you listen you’ll hear very familiar ideas. Then question the thoughts. Are they true? Do you want them to be? Would you rather think differently? Can you find a way that the thought you think might not be true?

Once you question the thoughts, you’ll find that your brain goes to work trying to answer the questions, so ask some good ones! A journal on your phone or good old paper is helpful here to capture the thoughts. Then when you find one that isn’t useful or helpful, you can find a new thought and practice thinking the new one when the old one comes up (it will). The more you practice the new thought, the more normal it will be to think it automatically. And that’s when you have replaced the old thought. Gradually, you’ll find that your new thinking is creating the peace and strength that you’ve been looking for. It certainly has for me! Now I don’t mean that I never get caught in old thinking patterns (see above!), but I get in more rarely and get out much faster than I used to. The thought work takes effort for sure. But I can attest that it’s definitely worth it! So keep at it and rewire that brain of yours – you’ll thank yourself later!

Have you tried thought work before? Was it helpful or did you get stuck? Self-coaching is super helpful, but sometimes we need a professional coach to help us root out the old patterns and start laying down new ones. A coach can also accelerate your progress in a way that you aren’t likely to do alone. I’m here to help! If you’ve decided it’s time to really get serious about losing your weight for good, that’s my specialty! I can also help with other kinds of mind work as well, so if you want to invest in you, reach out to me and let’s set up a mini-session to decide if we want to work together!

Do you want a sneak peek into what’s coming next on my YouTube channel? Come watch this week’s post, let’s talk more about the hum and I’ll let you in on what’s coming up!

NOCOMMENTS

Blog, Inspirations, Mind Management

What If I Want To Quit?

When I was a kid, I started tons of activities – tennis, violin, piano, softball, drama, ballet, gymnastics (and probably others I can’t remember). In the beginning, the activities were new and exciting. There was new equipment and uniforms or costumes and teachers and team or classmates. The class was fun and fresh, and usually, I picked up the beginner level skills easily.

That didn’t last.

The longer I’d stay in the activity, the more work I’d have to do to continue to excel. That wasn’t as much fun for me – that meant actual work. So my answer was to quit the activity until my mother finally put her foot down and said I needed to stay with the work. So I did and I learned a lot, generally a better work ethic and how good it feels to have mastered a skill that you work at consistently.

But there was a downside to practicing to persevere no matter what. Whenever I’d be in a situation when I wanted to quit, I’d feel such guilt over it that I couldn’t leave without a lot of shame and regret. When I was thirteen, I was in a program that was designed to train young black kids to become professional musicians. I’d gone through an audition and won a scholarship to the program and was awarded free lessons with professors in violin, piano, and music theory, and I became a member of a youth symphony orchestra in Boston. I went to a music camp for a month each summer. And while I enjoyed the orchestra and music camp, I fought doing the practice work I needed to do each week between lessons. I dreaded showing up to the lessons unprepared, but I kept doing it. Listening to music, being part of the music was wonderful, but I didn’t love playing my primary instrument (the violin). I wanted to quit at least once a week. My professors all said I was extremely talented and had incredible potential, and a powerful ear for music, but I wasn’t going to get better in my performance unless I practiced. I just would not make myself do it.

Toward the end of my eighth-grade year, things came to a head. It was explained to me that if I didn’t want to take full advantage of this opportunity and put in the effort that I should step back and allow another gifted student the chance to have my spot. I finally realized that the goal of the program was not to enrich me but to produce musicians – and I didn’t want to be one. I always wanted to be a physician, and no amount of joy in the world of music was going to turn me into one. Maybe if I’d developed a greater level of mastery of the instrument I would have enjoyed it more. And there are days even now that I miss playing music. But when I realized the space I was in was not for me and that I was blocking someone else, I stepped down. And I do not regret it.

My violin. I still play occasionally…

It’s not always wrong to quit. Sometimes it’s the right thing to do. There are times when you’ve committed to something that turns out to be the wrong space for you to fill and you don’t leave because you don’t want to be a quitter. But how do you know when it’s right to leave? It all depends on your reasons.

For example, you may be enrolled in a weight loss course to get off the thirty pounds you’ve been carrying around since your last baby. But you keep cheating the program, sabotaging your results, and resisting the work you need to do to get the weight off. So why are you trying to lose the weight anyway? Are you trying to get back into high school size jeans so you feel better about yourself? Are you trying to get your husband to stop making little comments about the weight you’ve gained? Are you trying to get your weight down before the reunion or wedding you have to attend in a few months? Maybe you think that life will be perfect when you drop the weight (it won’t because life will still be what it is). The truth may be that the reasons you have are external and not reasons that give you the compelling why you need to persevere when the work gets hard. Maybe you aren’t really ready to lose weight. And what if that’s ok? What if you decide when and why you lose weight because you have a reason to do it that you love?

Or you’re in a mom’s book club that meets every month, complete with a potluck and discussion of whatever you’re read. And even though it seemed like a good idea at the time, you find that you dread having to come up with a new dish to cook and share and you really don’t want to read on a schedule and you’re exhausted after each gathering. You’re afraid that if you quit, the other moms will think badly of you and you’ll lose your friends. So you stay because you want them to like you, but really they don’t know you because you’re showing up as the made-up version of you who is there because you feel like you should. What if you stay because you like the people in the group? Or what if you leave because the group isn’t what you need and you stay in touch with the women you’ve become friends with there?

It all depends on your reason. You have to choose your reason and like it before you make your decision. Did you catch that? You have to like your reason. So often we make decisions for reasons that we really don’t like, for ones that don’t honor our deepest convictions and selves. Then we live these false or superficial rationalizations and wonder why we’re miserable. You don’t have to quit, and you don’t have to stay. But you must like your reason for whichever you choose. Don’t lie to yourself. For example, if you choose to stay at your job, don’t tell yourself it’s because you have to stay. You don’t have to do anything. You choose to stay because you like your paycheck and like being able to pay your bills. You pay taxes because you like staying out of prison. You take care of your kids because you want them to be well.

I almost quit this week. My calendar was planned out for creating my online weight loss course, there was a lot to do and from the very start of the week, I kept running into obstacles and getting further behind. I already had an outstanding task lingering from last week. So I let my mind keep offering up the thought that maybe all this creating just wasn’t possible, that as a woman with young kids working full time I just don’t have the bandwidth to get this done. And I almost agreed with my brain. Once I calmed down and let the frustration pass through, I knew that my misery was because I let my mind offer me up the old thoughts and I could choose to think differently. If I wanted to, I could choose to think that I’m in control of building this course, and the pace and plan are up to me, regardless of what family life looks like. My frustration was from the interruptions in my plan, and because I truly believe that the creation I’m doing is God’s plan for me, I really don’t want to quit.

When I’m tempted to quit, I always check my reason why. For me, it’s usually some flimsy reason like I’m tired of doing the work or I think the process is taking too long. When I remind myself why I started the project in the first place, I still want to finish what I started. So I take a deep breath, maybe take a moment, then dust myself off and keep going. And if I realize that my direction was a mistake or that I’ve grown out of where I am, I own that and decide how to gracefully and kindly step back. Then it’s time to look up and figure out where I’m going. And like my reason why…

Have you ever felt like you wanted to quit something but struggled with the decision? Sometimes it’s useful to have help telling the truth to yourself and liking the reason for your decision. That’s what a coach is for! Let me know if you’d like help in the comments below and we’ll set up a time to talk!

And here’s the last video in the Weight Loss and Hormones series. Don’t miss it!

NOCOMMENTS

Blog, Mind Management

Mom, Stand Down!

You know, when I dreamt of being a mom, I had this whole vision for myself. I was going to be the mom who always listened to her kids, who taught them to think and understand, who took them to amazing places and showed them the wonder of the world. I was going to snuggle and hug and never be too busy to hear their needs. This mom wasn’t going to yell or lose her mind when the kids acted up. Nope, I was going to take things in stride and help them see the error of their ways. Then we would go forth, hand in hand to the next adventure.

Right.

I can hear you laughing.

The good news is that in some ways I am the mom I want to be. I trained myself when they were very young to listen to what they were saying and to respond to every coo and babble. Now, it’s hard to tune them out, and sometimes that’s a pain because they don’t need me to listen to every word, and there are four of them and they make lots of noise!. I do give lots of hugs (probably could give more), and I try to hear their needs and meet them when appropriate (there’s a lot of teaching about want vs. need these days). Where I definitely fall short is with losing my temper with them. I haven’t turned out to be that easy-going, laid back, go-with-the-flow mama. Not sure if that missing part is due to nature or nurture – I’m pretty sure it has a lot to do with my personality. I’m generally more intense and ride-or-die than chill. Yelling is something I’ve grown away from. Not that I don’t do it at all, but I’ve learned better ways to get my kids to get back on track. But you will probably get me when I say this: There are some things that they do that take me from zero to sixty in 2.5 seconds. Let talk about it…

My son is in middle school this year. He’s smart, organized, opinionated, talkative, energetic, thoughtful, and generally an incredible young man. I love him to pieces! We do yoga together every morning, he loves to talk with me about the world, and he hasn’t decided he’s to old for my hugs and kisses. But we had a few incidents in the past year with him taking things around the house without asking. Most often, it was chocolate. Specifically, my chocolate.

Some of my stash…

So yes, I’m a certified health and weight loss coach, but I have a love for dark chocolate. Mostly I eat sugar-free dark chocolate or small amounts of high-quality specialty dark chocolate, but on very rare occasions I want to have peanut M&Ms. I chalk it up to childhood memories of candy bowls full of peanut M&Ms in varied colors depending on the season (red and green for Christmas, red pink and white for Valentine’s, and multi for the normal days). Isn’t it funny how we have foods that bring us back to childhood? My husband brought home Krispy Kreme doughnuts the other day (no, I don’t know what possessed him and no, they’re not vegan). I took a bite of one of a classic glazed he was eating and was instantly in my grandmother’s kitchen. My grandmother’s was the only place I ate those doughnuts growing up, so that’s what that taste reminds me of. But I digress.

My chocolate stash used to be on the top shelf of the pantry, both to keep it out of reach of little kids, but also to keep it above my eye level and make me think a little harder before mindlessly munching away. When I found out they were big enough to get it and that they felt that they could help themselves (not ok), I packed it up in a zip-top bag and put it in my closet. In my bedroom.

One afternoon I had a craving for peanut M&Ms, so I went to my stash to get a few. Having been a part of the correction from the pantry chocolate stealing saga, my husband bought me a large bag of M&Ms to replace the pilfered candy. Since I eat 3-4 M&Ms at a time, the bag lasts a long time. The bag felt very light, so I looked inside to see that most of the bag was gone. Do you ever feel like you might have lost your mind? I mean, I couldn’t possibly have eaten all this candy and not realized I was plowing through it, right? What if I had and just was eating mindlessly? No, no, no – I knew that wasn’t it. I’d know if I ate a whole bag of M&Ms. It was time to start questioning children.

After intense inquiry and skillful probing questions, my son confessed to eating my candy. He figured out where I’d stored my stash and had been going into my closet repeatedly to take handfuls at a time. Now, I’ll confess: I may have had an out-of-body experience at this point. I mean, how dare he go into my room when I’m not there (not allowed), sneak into my closet, and take my treats (which I had hidden in the first place because he had been taking them from the pantry!)? I came at him hard, guns blazing. He got an earful about how lying and stealing destroys relationship and how his character needed to be protected and grown intentionally and how hurt I was that he would take from me while I’m continually giving to him. All true, and he needed to hear the impact of his thievery, both on his being and on our relationship.

But in the background was the real reason I was upset. My thoughts about the lying and stealing were much more dark and frightening. My fear came from the thought that this behavior was an indication that he was becoming a thief and a liar, and that one day he’d be stealing TVs and cars and would end up in prison. Then all that brilliance and beautiful personality would become yet another wasted life, and I was the mom who produced this criminally minded child. Yep, I went there, at least in my mind, even though I never said any of it to him. You see, the problem was the emotion that I brought to the situation. It was my fear on top of the situation, not just what happened. My husband and I spent time talking to other parents afterward and heard many similar stories of how their kids behaved at this age. Apparently children go through a stage where if they want something, they take it, even when they know they’re wrong. Of course, they need correction, but the way I did it with a raised voice and blame and negativity wasn’t needed, and it all came from my catastrophic thoughts.

So what do you do when your child does something that threatens you to go right over the edge and lost your mind all over them? I know what I’m going to do. The next time one of my kids does something that tempts me to think that they’re practicing to become a criminal, or that they’ll never graduate from high school with their lack of work ethic, or that they’re going to be living in my house forever because they won’t be able to take care of themselves, I’m going to examine those thoughts. Capturing the thoughts and asking myself if they are true helps me to take a step back. No, I don’t know that they’re going to jail or that they won’t be successful in school or that they’re going to live a miserable life with no real job or direction in their lives. Right now, they’re safe and cared for in my house, and their father and I are here to teach, train, and correct. That’s what parents of children are supposed to do because that’s what children need. When my kids behave in a way counter to what I believe is right, nothing has gone wrong. They haven’t yet learned to behave well, and I have an opportunity to help them. Is it scary and frustrating and tiresome and sometimes downright irritating? Yes, it is. But only because of how I choose to think about it, not because of what they’ve done.

Now I know you might be thinking, “Well, your kid just took some candy. Mine is smoking weed. I have bigger problems than some mental gymnastics can solve.” But I would offer that you have the same problem – your thoughts. You could choose to think of all the folks you know or have heard of who tried weed when they were young and are productive adults today. Or you can think of all the ways your child smoking weed will lead to her dropping out of school, getting pregnant before she’s ready, and how you’ll be raising your grandbaby when all you wanted was to retire. You get to choose how you think. Your thoughts are truly the only thing you control – not your husband, not your boss, not your friends or coworkers, and certainly not your children. You absolutely have influence in all situations, but if your words and actions come from a place of fear and judgment, the response you get from the person you’re trying to control is very likely to be the opposite of what you’d like. Coming from a place of love and compassion is much more likely to be productive. The only way you get to the feelings you want to have is from the thoughts you choose to think. The best news of all is that you are the only one who has control over your thoughts. So practice capturing those thoughts and think the ones that help you on purpose!

And if you need help with this, you’re not alone! Self-coaching is powerful, but having someone else help coach you can get you moving when you’re stuck in your mind. Let me know in the comments below if you have a situation or thought that you can’t seem to shake and I will help!

For those of you who want to click right over to this week’s video on Weight Loss: Going Deeper, here it is! This is the end of the series and for the next four weeks, I’m talking about how understanding your hormones can help you lose weight. Join me!

2COMMENTS

Blog, Mind Management

Choosing To Be Frustrated

I’ve been very frustrated lately. Every time I looked at my attitude, I was irritated, annoyed, and short-tempered. It was to the point that I had to take a step back to examine what was going on in my mind. Why was I choosing to feel frustrated?

What do I mean choosing? Here’s the thing: All feelings come from the thoughts we have. The thoughts we have can be conscious or unconscious, which means our feelings come from those conscious or unconscious thoughts. Now, estimates are that we have 40,000-60,000 thoughts a day, most of them unconscious. As much as I make it a practice to manage my thoughts, I’m still not getting all 60,000. So when I notice a thought or feeling pattern produced by my mind, I pay attention.

Yeeessss?

Why would I be choosing frustration? Well, the easy answer is that I’m feeling the pressure of working as a physician during a pandemic, or that I’m concerned about the way our homeschool group is handling safety measures surrounding COVID, or that I’m worn down by all the emotions I feel around the many stories of racial inequity and police brutality against Black people that we keep seeing again and again. To some extent, that explanation is true.

But even if all those issues are weighing on me, that still doesn’t explain why I’m choosing to be frustrated. What it means to be chronically frustrated is that I’m not deciding to deliberately think thoughts that produce an emotion other than frustrated. Let me give you an example. One thought I’ve been thinking about the anti-mask movement is that “It doesn’t make any sense. Don’t people have any sense of community? They should just wear the mask!” The first problem with these thoughts is that I’m arguing with reality. Byron Katie said that you can argue with reality, but you will lose 100% of the time. There’s no upside to this thinking – it won’t change the truth that some people just aren’t going to wear the masks, no matter what logic or science or social responsibility argument is offered to them. My thinking it shouldn’t be this way is a quick trip to nowhere. When I look at some of my thoughts about the other things happening in my life, they end up in a similar dead-end place.

So if there’s no upside to my thoughts and I’m ending up in frustration, and I’m thinking these thoughts over and over again, then I’m choosing to be there. There’s a deeper reason why I’m doing this to myself. When I really get down to it, I’m staying in frustration because I think that being frustrated helps me in some way. My mind says that if I’m frustrated, I’ll work to change things so I don’t have to stay frustrated. Maybe I’ll make a Facebook post or write a blog or make a YouTube video that convinces the world to wear their masks, which causes all racism to vanish, which erases the pandemic from our world. Right – not likely. So I’ve committed myself to misery in frustration without a way to improve any of these situations because I’ve convinced myself that if I’m not frustrated I won’t be motivated to do anything to improve them. The reality is that frustration doesn’t generally produce action. Frustration produces inaction – most times that feeling causes one to do nothing at all other than spin around in the mind with more frustrating thoughts.

So if frustrated is not useful and it’s not actually motivating me to improve our situation AND I’m miserable feeling this way, then what do I do? I need to choose and practice thinking other thoughts. Picking a thought to think is fine, but it won’t become a substitute for the original thought until I practice it over and over. I can think thoughts like, “I choose to wear a mask and protect myself and others”, and “Grown people get to choose how they want to live”, and “I can choose to protect my children however I think is best”, or even “We’ve stayed healthy for six months of this pandemic – what we are doing is working and we will continue”. Those thoughts are more empowering. When I feel empowered, I’m more likely to take action – to write the post, to send the email, to love the people who need me. When I’m frustrated I eat chips and snap at my kids. How does that help anyone?

Put some on a napkin!

You know, I didn’t realize at first that I believed frustration had a purpose in my mind, that I thought it was a motivator for change. I thought it was equivalent to the feelings of “motivated” or “resolved” or “committed”. I can feel the frustration when it comes up and I know it can’t hurt me. But in the end, it’s not a place I choose to stay because I won’t get where I want to go from frustration. I’m choosing to take frustration as a sign that I’m allowing myself to get distracted, that I’m being waylaid from my goal. Then I practice the thoughts that help me feel resolved and motivated and committed. That kind of thinking – well, that’s what moves us forward!

Have you been aware of the thoughts that are creating your feelings? How are you managing? There’s a lot of great work you can do on your own, but if you’d like help, that’s what a coach is for! Write to me in the comments with questions – I’m here to help!

And for those of you who’ve been looking for it, here’s the 4th class in Weight Loss: Going Deeper – What Should I Eat? This week we’re talking about fat and how you can use it to lose weight. Join me!

NOCOMMENTS

Blog, Inspirations

Black Enough

What does it mean to be Black enough? I know, this is a crazy-making question. There was a time that it didn’t matter how light your skin or how straight your hair, you were black because you were born to a Black family. Unless you decided to pass for white, you lived as Black and you knew the community and family to which you belonged. Remember the one-drop rule? That was state law in almost every state in the USA at one time. When we lived in American apartheid, our schools, churches, businesses, and entire lives were centered in one community experience. Now we move back and forth between our homes and communities, our jobs and social lives, some which are mixed racially and some which are just as segregated as they were in the 1960s.

Since my grade school years were in the 1980s and during the time of the Rainbow Coalition, the supposed era of post-racial enlightenment, I didn’t have the experience of living in a lawfully segregated America. But the thread of colorism, of Black enough, has been woven through the centuries of the Black experience in this country. The separation of slaves based on skin tone and the advantages given to lighter-skinned Black people over time have caused resentment and division among us. I don’t dismiss the privilege of lighter skin in our world’s culture today. But I’m angry at the environment that encourages us to continue to divide ourselves.

When I was in grade school, I lived in a predominantly Jewish suburb of Boston. This was the era of forced integration and busing of children from the inner city to the more affluent suburban schools. I was fortunate that my parents bought property and lived in the town I went to school in. But in my school, most of the other Black children were bused in from the city. Here’s what I remember: I wasn’t White or Jewish, and I wasn’t light enough to be one of them (not that I wanted to be – I just knew I wasn’t). The Black kids were very clear that I wasn’t one of them either – I was a privileged light-skinned, long-haired girl who didn’t know what it was to be really Black, because I didn’t live in “the ‘hood” with them, and I obviously was stuck up and thought I was better than them (not true). I didn’t fit anywhere.

Eventually, I found my way. I figured out how to stand alone when I needed to and made friends with those who wanted to be friends with me. I found Black girls in high school who did want to be friends. I went to an HBCU Historically Black College/University), a least partially to have a four-year respite from the strain of being the representative for all Black people in my classes. My parents always were there, reminding me of who I was, my Black history and culture, and loving me wherever I was. Today I live in a suburb of Atlanta, I work as a Black physician, and I’m raising four Black children in a predominantly White homeschooling community. I’m very clear about who I am, what my Blackness means to me, and how that identity influences how I grow and who I serve. I love my friends and my family and my patients – but as a Black woman/wife/mom/physician, I have a special place in my heart to raise up my Black children whole in this racist world, to take special care of my Black husband that the world wants to tear down, and to be sure to see that my Black patients and clients get excellent, sensitive and culturally relevant care.

And yet… Within this year, I had a Black friend jokingly say to me that I wasn’t really Black because of how light my skin is. At that moment I wanted to throw up my hands, rage, shrink away. I became my eight-year-old self who still didn’t belong. I didn’t laugh it off and I didn’t ignore it, even though I wanted to. I told my friend that her joke hurt, and I didn’t want her to say anything like that to me again. And she said ok.

Colorism is still here, folks. We still talk about good hair and skin color. We’ve certainly made progress in self-love and in celebrating the beauty of Black people in art and media and popular culture. But when we still see discussions in the news about Kamala Harris and her Blackness, whether it be that she’s not Black enough because she was a prosecutor who put Black men in jail, or whether she’s not really Black because she also has east Indian heritage, or because she’s married to a white man, or because she’s highly educated and exceptionally high achieving, I wonder what exactly is needed to be accepted as a light-skinned Black woman in the Black community. It’s not as if she’s accepted as a white woman in the world. Why don’t we want to embrace her? I’m not saying you have to like every political decision she’s made or agree with all of her policies, but why do we use her Blackness or her supposed lack thereof as a weapon against her? The same tactics were used against President Obama…

I thought that I was finally old enough, wise enough, strong enough to be past all of this. And I am. I can stand apart when I need to and remember the lessons of my childhood. But I will admit that the comments and exclusion are painful – I wanted to let myself believe we had progressed further than this. I assume Kamala Harris must have some pretty thick skin to endure the public criticism she’s drawn over the years, so this iteration is just an expected level up from where she’s been. For me, I’m learning to do the same, to let these instances of colorism be reflective of the people who practice them instead of commentary on me. I love my family, my friends, my communities. And I continue to pray and work for all of them as best I know how. May we continue to evolve and grow in love for ourselves and each other!

We all have had times when we feel not enough in some way. Where have you experienced the sense of exclusion where you wanted to be included? If you feel able, please share in the comments below so we can support each other…

For those of you who’ve been waiting, here’s the latest class on Weight Loss: Going Deeper, What Should I Eat? This week, we’re talking about protein! It’s the building block of nutrition, right? What I’m going to say may surprise you…

NOCOMMENTS

Blog, Mind Management

Changing My Mind

Ever have a run of days that just wear you out? That’s how the past week has been. Shoot, sometimes I feel like it’s been the entire past 6 months. Between maintaining a constant level of vigilance at in the office and the hospital to protect myself and my family from COVID to managing my own thoughts about social justice issues to trying to stay engaged in the political conversation in an election year (but not so much that I’m consumed by it), it’s been an effort to stay balanced. But working through the past few days have taught me that it can be easier than I think to get myself on solid ground again…

I had a full day of surgery scheduled at the end of last week. The cases were mostly straightforward, but when you add up the time for the surgeries, the times between cases to get the room reset, and starting around 7 am in the city, it was scheduled to be quite a long day. I found myself wanting to gripe and complain, wondering why I wasn’t able to limit the number of cases that were scheduled for me on a particular day and feeling frustrated that most of these cases were coming to me before I’d had an opportunity to review them and decide if they were appropriate. I began hearing thoughts in my head that sounded faintly familiar but weren’t what I wanted to think. Thoughts like, “This sucks. This isn’t how things should be done. I shouldn’t have to do things this way. If I had control over my own schedule, I’d organize this differently. This is the problem with working for a company.” It took me a minute, but I realized that these were just recycled thoughts from my training years, thoughts I started learning from other med students and residents twenty years ago. Those thoughts were spoken by others, and I learned to think that way about my workdays, that I was under the control of the system and things would be better if I had more autonomy, that I was just a cog in the wheel and who and how I was didn’t matter.

Today I’m in a different situation as an attending physician, but there are situations where working within our healthcare company that I am tempted to fall back into this style of thinking. But I don’t have to, because they’re just the thoughts I’m choosing to think. If I’d know this in training, life (and I!) would have been much more pleasant! When I take control of my thoughts instead of letting the old ones play automatically, I get to choose ones that work for me instead of against me. For example, I chose to think, “I am helping a lot of women today. This is going to be a great day! These cases are going to fly by and besides, these really are straightforward surgeries. I have an excellent assistant and we are going to get in here and get this handled. I’ve got this.” Interestingly, with the exception of an unexpected surprise during my last case, that’s exactly how the day went. The best part was that I didn’t spend the time between each case torturing myself by wishing away the “horrible” day I was having – because I wasn’t having a horrible day at all. I had a great day because I was able to allow it to be that way in my mind. When have you made your own day awful because of how you set your mind against it from the outset?

You can make your own potholes in your mind that trip you up…

My husband decided to take a mini-retreat to celebrate his 20th spiritual birthday this past weekend. And while that was definitely an event worth commemorating, it left me at home with the kids alone with short notice, after I’d already worked the past weekend at the hospital. I had decided in my mind that this weekend would be a break for me, but now I was on the hook for handling the kids. This one I caught upfront before it got too far out of hand. When I started counting up all the meals I’d have to manage and how I thought we’d be enjoying our grown-up TV time together after the kids went to bed and I’d be alone all weekend and I’d have to manage the kid’s messes which irritates the mess out of me, I pulled up short. I didn’t have to go down that rabbit hole. If he was taking a retreat, then I had the option to make it a weekend of drudgery that wore me out by the end, or I could stay with the plan of having a restful weekend. How was I going to do this at home with four kids? By deciding what I would and would not think. I spend so many weeks at work wishing I could be home with them, so now I have a weekend where I can, so I’m going to make the most of it. I also told them Friday night how I expected the weekend to go, and they’re old enough now to understand and manage themselves accordingly (not perfectly, but they try). I relaxed my stance on TV, but I made them finish cleaning up before we sat down to watch anything. I absolved myself from making lunches and told them they were on their own (and even the 7-year-old can make an almond butter sandwich without me). I decided to order out for dinner instead of cooking, so I could read and take a nap Saturday afternoon. When they didn’t do what I asked, I remembered that was on them and instead of yelling I sat down and read a book until they did what I asked. They lost TV or fun time, not me (mostly). We watched a little Moana together, and I enjoyed the peace of the evenings with my book. I love my evenings with my husband, but I’m an introvert so I enjoy the alone time too!

Ok, not totally alone…

Sunday morning was one of those times that I almost let my mind carry me completely away. I asked my oldest daughter to feed the dog breakfast, which usually isn’t her responsibility, but her sister was doing another task. She started complaining about how she doesn’t like the smell of the dog food and put up a battle about getting the job done. I was ticked – I mean really, just feed the dog! She was the kid who begged the most to have the dog in the first place. What really made me angry though was my thinking. I thought she should want to feed the dog, that she shouldn’t complain or resist, that she was disrespectful and rude and disobedient. This thinking made me so angry that I was still mad when we started our virtual church Zoom meeting. And then the sermon was on love. As soon as I started hearing the words of 1 Corinthians 13, I remembered who I was and who I wanted to be. She didn’t have to want to feed the dog, or obey happily, or not complain. None of that is what made me angry with her, and I could choose to love her regardless of how she acted. I can train her to respond better in the future and love her at the same time. No matter what she does, I can act in love and feel love for her because of who I am in God. Her actions aren’t what made me angry – my thoughts about her actions did. And when I knew that I didn’t want to be angry but to love her in my correction, I went to her and apologized for being angry at her. We hugged and she apologized for her complaining. Acting in love is who I want to be, and I just needed a quick reminder to reset my mind.

That’s my baby!

Managing your mind is some of the most powerful work you can do because your thoughts produce the results in your life. You can do this work – capture your thoughts, work through them, and find ways to choose new thoughts and practice them into beliefs. This is work you absolutely can do alone. But, if you need help finding your way, that’s what a coach is for – and I’m here to help if you need me! Let me know in the comments below if you want to do a trial coaching session and we’ll find a time for you. And if you’ve also found some great ways to manage your mind, please share in the comments below!

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Blog, Help Getting It Done, Mind Management, Top 15 Weight Loss Posts

Fear Of Fasting

You know, there’s talk about fasting everywhere. The new diet craze is intermittent fasting or IF. People are generally using IF to lose weight, but there are other reasons to fast. Some fast to clear their minds, some do it for spiritual focus and prayer, some do it to decrease inflammation and allow the body to rest. All are good reasons, and the benefits of fasting are legion. But…

Every time I think about fasting I don’t want to do it. Fasting is one of those things that brings up immediate resistance for me, almost every single time. Even when I’m the one who makes the plan and has all the good reasons for planning a fast, I still dread doing it. And it’s not like I’m a novice at fasting. I have spent many days doing IF and I’ve fasted for times of prayer both in and outside of the church. They’ve been beneficial each time. So what’s the problem?

It’s my brain. The thoughts I have about fasting tend to center around deprivation and fear of discomfort. I decided a long time ago that I don’t like the feeling of hunger. Even though I know now that I should welcome hunger, that hunger is needed for weight loss and maintenance, and that clear stomach hunger is a good sign that my body is working well and that eating is a healthy thing to do if I have time, I still don’t want to feel it. Years of avoiding hunger has trained me to think of it as the enemy, as something to keep away at all costs. That’s how I stayed overweight for all those years! So when a day of fasting at church was announced, I was dismayed to find out that it was scheduled for my day off, a day when I wouldn’t be distracted by seeing patients or doing surgery, a day that was less likely to fly by with busyness.

Fasting also makes me feel like I’m going without something I should have. My mind says that if I’m hungry, I ought to be able to eat. Other people get to eat, so why do I have to miss out? Besides, I like having my cashews or coffee or soup or whatever I’ve planned, so why can’t I have them? Here’s the thing: I can. I don’t have to fast. But if I choose to fast, then these thoughts are designed to produce feelings of deprivation, resentment, resistance, and fear that make the fasting experience SO unnecessarily unpleasant. Physical hunger alone is not the only thing that makes fasting a challenge. It doesn’t have to be as difficult an experience as my mind wants to make it.

Let’s break one of these thoughts down. As an example we’ll take the first one, the “I don’t like the feeling of hunger” thought. The fact is that I am observing a day of fasting. The thought I have is that I don’t like the feeling of hunger. The feeling that thought produces is dread. When I feel dread, I think a lot more thoughts about how much I don’t want to fast, how I really wish we could do this on a day when I’m busier, how many different foods I’d like to eat that day, and I argue back and forth with myself about whether I want to participate in the fast anyway. I also might eat extra snacks or food the day before because I feel like I should fill up before the fast. (That doesn’t work. I’m not hibernating for the winter. I’m going to get hungry the next day regardless.) So in the end, I spend a lot of time in a mental tailspin, I overeat the day before the fast, and I reinforce the belief I have that I don’t like the feeling of hunger. So the next time I’m considering a fast, the thought that’s easy for my brain to offer up is this same one.

This thought isn’t working for me. Actually, it’s working against me and sabotaging not only my weight goals, but it’s making my spiritual day of fasting unpleasant in a way that isn’t useful. So what can I do? The good news is that I am the mother of my mind, and I can train it to think differently. It takes some effort and practice, but it’s doable. How do I find a more useful thought? There are different ways to come at this, but I want to feel something other than dread when I think about fasting and hunger. Actually, I’d like to welcome hunger. So, if I want the feeling I have about hunger to be “welcoming”, then what thought would help me feel welcoming about hunger? The thought I choose is: “Hunger is a useful feeling”. When I think this thought, I can come up with lots of reasons why it’s true – feeling hunger helps me know I’m eating when I should, food tastes better when I’m hungry, I know I’m eating for my body instead of emotional reasons, and when I eat only for hunger my body finds its correct weight. Now, in order to feel welcoming, I am going to have to practice thinking that hunger is a useful tool. It’s not going to be automatic like the “I don’t like the feeling of hunger”, because I haven’t practiced it as long. But if I remind my brain that the first thought is not helpful and practice the new thought, I will retrain my brain and the suffering that comes from the first thought is removed from my practice of fasting. When I plan a fast and welcome hunger from the thought that “Hunger is a useful tool”, I will look forward to the fast and the benefits that come from experiencing hunger. I won’t overeat to prepare for the fast, I won’t torture myself with the resistance, and I’ll expect and welcome the hunger when it comes. I’ll see the hunger as helpful instead of to be avoided. My entire experience of the fast becomes more calm and peaceful instead of a painful slog to the end.

I hope this helps you to work on your thoughts, whether they’re about fasting or something else that causes lots of mental chatter and bother. Coaching yourself through your thoughts is incredibly powerful! But if you feel like you’re not able to make as much change on your own as you’d like, that’s what a coach is for! If you’d like to do a mini-session to try out coaching for yourself, especially in the area of weight loss, then I’d be happy to set up a time with you. The mini-session is free of charge and you get to try out coaching and see if it’s for you. Let me know in the comments below!

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Blog, Mind Management

How To Cope With Crazy-Hormonal

Ever have those times where you feel like you’re ready to fly off the handle and you don’t really know why? We often attribute it to “I’m just feeling hormonal” or “I must be PMS’ing”. Then we grit our teeth, muscle through our interactions with our spouse, our kids, and our coworkers, and wait for the storm to pass. And since it often does, we think that it must have been our hormones that were in charge of our feelings. But I want to offer you a different perspective…

Now, let me be crystal clear: as a gynecologist, I believe that hormonal medications are useful tools and can be very helpful in managing the ups and downs of hormonal changes in a woman’s life. I prescribe hormones all the time for a variety of needs, and they generally work in the way we expect they will. But as a holistic practitioner, I do not believe that every difficult emotional situation we deal with should be medicated away or blamed on hormones. Hormones are simply chemical messengers that communicate from one organ to another, and our sex hormones (which are the ones we blame for emotional upset) are no different. We experience them differently in different phases of our lives than others (think puberty and menopause), but they are still just chemical messengers. And because we are complex integrated beings with life situations and past trauma and stressors and celebrations and tragedies, we can experience our hormones differently depending on our own unique lives. If you are experiencing difficulty with how you are experiencing your hormonal changes regularly, please talk to your gynecologist about this. But a lot of women have occasional times that seem to be really out of character and these can be tough to navigate. For this type of situation, I offer that these times should get your attention because your body is trying to tell you something. Let me give you an example from my own life.

For the past week and a half, I’ve known something was different this month. I used to be one of those women who didn’t think too much about my cycles – they came when they were supposed to, I didn’t suffer with them much, I made sure I had effective contraception when I wasn’t trying to get pregnant and I took an occasional ibuprofen when I needed it. I know, lucky me! In truth, I think I wasn’t really paying much attention to myself, and the physical sensations I felt I could explain, so I took them in stride. But now in my 40’s I’m noticing that some months are amplified, more of every symptom seems to be there. Sometimes it’s really uncomfortable, and because I rarely take medication I notice when I feel bad enough to think about taking something. Now with a teen in the house, I’m paying even closer attention because I’m noticing that my cycles are starting to sync up with hers.

I started noticing some unusual physical symptoms last week. Not to be indelicate, but I’m super regular to the point that I know around what time I’ll need the bathroom each morning. It’s rarely a big deal because I take psyllium fiber for the health benefits so the go is easy too, but even before I was taking it my bowels just didn’t give me any trouble. Last week, I got off schedule. For several days, I didn’t know what was happening and my schedule was totally strange. And, I was gassy and bloated and uncomfortable – but I hadn’t changed anything. I went to the teenager and started asking questions about when her period was coming, for which I got a strange look and a vague answer (she’s not used to tracking yet). I’ve been extra tired, where even when I slept for what should have been enough time, I was still getting up angry at the alarm clock. One night, I had so much pain in my lower belly that I curled up in bed with a heating pad to sleep.

Some months are like this. The symptoms may vary, but whatever they are they are more intense and bothersome than usual. I know a lot of you have felt this way and are wondering what should be done about it because it’s not pleasant. But here’s what I want to suggest: What if your body is trying to tell you something? What if you’re experiencing more discomfort because your body is trying to get you to pay attention to what you need? Here’s what I’ve observed in my life and the lives of many of the women I take care of. We have a tendency to be the caretakers – for our families, for our friends, for others. And sometimes the needs of others are very demanding, so we often put ourselves at the bottom of the priority list. When everyone else is fed and care for, we figure that then we can take care of ourselves. And many times, we don’t get to the end of our list. So when things are extra challenging (like during a global pandemic), we hustle harder to take care of everyone and spend even less attention and care on ourselves. For me, between the stress of working in medicine during the pandemic, running our homeschool, managing our teacher, caring for the kids, trying to maintain closeness with my husband, building my life coaching practice, writing the blog and updating the YouTube channel, and managing my anger and sadness in our current climate of racial injustice, I am just wrung out. Right now, at least. It’s not all the things I’m doing, because I like most of the things I’m doing, and the optional ones are probably some of the ones I enjoy the most! But all the thoughts that are swirling around about the more challenging responsibilities are taking a toll because I haven’t been managing them as well as I need to. And that is what I’m seeing show up in my body this month.

So what do I do? The first step is to breathe and give myself some grace. I have to acknowledge that this is a time that for me that is unlike any I’ve seen before, and I’m figuring it out. We all are, whether we’re in the office or hospital seeing patients with COVID, or being at home more than we ever wanted with kids who are making it hard to get work done and are eating every available snack in the house so everything is gone before the next planned grocery trip. The next step is to double down on doing what I know I need to do to support myself. I have to be super strict about bedtime because getting loose with the TV time at night always bites me in the butt in the morning. I plan my meals and drink my water. I take my immune-boosting supplements because Lord knows I need all these things to stay healthy right now. I evaluate and re-evaluate my calendar and take off things that are unnecessary so that I can read and rest so I don’t feel dragged by my schedule. There’s a lot that isn’t really optional unless I want to quit my job and run away from home (I don’t). So when I feel my body reflecting my mind, I know I have to be even more intentional about managing my thinking and my schedule so I’m taken care of, even as I take care of others.

What do you do when you feel like you’re having a crazy-hormonal time? How do you cope? Please share in the comments below!

And, if you’re having trouble managing your mind alone, that’s what I help people do in one-on-one coaching sessions! If you’d like to set up a time for coaching help, I have a few remaining slots. I’m still taking a few clients without charging while I’m building my practice. Please comment below if you’d like to set up a time and I’ll reach out to you directly. I’d love to help!

This is the last class in the Finding Fullness weight loss class – join me!

NOCOMMENTS

Blog, Help Getting It Done, Mind Management

Do You Want To Think That?

I was due for an on-call night spanking. I got one.

For the last few overnight shifts I’d done at the hospital I’d been surprised by how decent the nights had been. Even when I had a large patient census or lots happening on labor and delivery, I still got a run of hours at night where I could sleep (even if I tossed and turned throughout). So I knew that it was about time for a tough night to come, not because the labor gods were angry at me (like my midwife said was happening for her!), but because at some point, I’m going to have a night where a lot is happening and I’m the one who’s there to take care of it.

Monday at 3 pm I walked into our team sign out to a large patient census and already four more incoming patients to admit to the hospital and a surgery that needed to be done urgently. By the time everyone came in, got settled, the surgery was done and I laid down, it was midnight. Fifteen minutes later, I got an emergent call to assist with a patient hemorrhaging. I ran down and took her to the operating room and took care of her. Around 2 am, I laid down again. After a few more calls and another emergent call to attend a mom whose baby was having a hard time in labor, I finished signing out to the morning team around 8 am and headed home. I probably got 2 hours of sleep for the night.

After decontaminating myself when I got home, taking an hour-long nap, and running a couple of errands, I was running on fumes. I still had things to do and hadn’t gotten the few things I had planned on my calendar done. But I was toast. I needed to sleep. So I laid down for another hour and slept, but when the alarm went off, my head was foggy, I was irritable, and I was pissed that I hadn’t gotten the things done that I needed to do. That meant I needed to move them to another time and the rest of the week was already scheduled pretty tightly. I needed to get my behind in gear and salvage the rest of the day.

I sat down with my laptop and my to-dos and tried to get started. By this time it was close to 5 pm and the kids were milling around, trying to get dinner ready (with supervision) and every little noise was on my nerves. I was tired, aggravated, and very easily bothered by everything. I needed more sleep, but I’d gotten as much as I could and the next opportunity was going to be bedtime. I was trying to work but I was spinning my wheels. Was I going to throw my hands up and quit until the next day after I got some sleep? Or would I snap at the kids and be resentful while I tried to work?

Fortunately, I’m a life coach and I know that the way I felt (physical fatigue notwithstanding) was entirely within my control. I felt irritated, frustrated, and aggravated because of the thoughts I was thinking. I didn’t know what they were, but they were jacking up my night, so I stopped what I was doing and grabbed my notebook to do a little self-coaching. What was I thinking?

The first thought that came to mind was “I wasted this day sleeping.” Now, whether or not this is true is a wholly different conversation. I know I needed sleep, and maybe I should have canceled the errands and slept more! But this was the thought that I was unconsciously choosing. The problem was that this thought was causing my feeling of frustration. When I’m frustrated, I act irritable, snap at the kids, try to get things done but spend more time in my feeling of frustration than in doing the things that need doing, so in the end, I don’t get the things done that I need to do. This confirms my original thought that I wasted the day sleeping because look at all the things I didn’t get done! Never mind that I have time right now and I can get some stuff done now – I’m just wasting time feeling frustrated about how I spent the hours earlier in the day.

Now, here’s the turnaround: Is this a thought that is supporting me and I want to continue to think? Absolutely not. I do not like feeling frustrated, I’m not getting done what I need to, and being annoyed and snappy with my family is not how I want to show up. So, I decided that the thought “I wasted this day sleeping” was not helpful and I needed to choose a new thought. The thought I came up with (that I believe – has to be a thought that is believable or my brain will reject it) was “It was a rough night but I can still get a few things done.” When I practiced that thought in my brain for a few moments, I started to feel resolved instead of frustrated. Resolved helped much more than frustrated! When my kids or the teacher interrupted me to ask a question, I answered it and got back to work. When the dog started barking, I corrected her and got back to work. When something was happening that didn’t really need my attention, I ignored it and kept working. At the end of the hour I’d set aside, I’d done my coaching homework, scheduled a drop-off of groceries to be delivered to me at the hospital Thursday, refined the grocery list, reworked the calendar, and prepped the dinner I’d picked up earlier. Actually, I’d gotten quite a bit done!

The thoughts we think matter. There are different ways to manage thinking, but they all start with capturing the thought. Once I realized the thought was damaging and I wanted to think differently, I could have started with simply asking myself, “Is it true?” Actually, I hadn’t wasted the day at all – I’d talked to my father, picked up dinner, bought some tanks tops I needed at a deep discount, and gotten some sleep. Realizing all I had accomplished might have taken the sting out of feeling tired and behind at the end of the day (“Look at what I did accomplish!”). I took a different tactic because I didn’t really need to feel better about how the day had been spent. I needed an empowering thought to use to propel me forward. So I chose a thought that made me feel resolved, so I could take the actions of getting some things done. Choosing thoughts intentionally can make all the difference in the results you get. Unintentional thoughts can lead you to a result that you don’t want. But choosing thoughts on purpose can get you to the exact place you want to go! I salvaged my night from a downward spiral of my own negativity and created a more peaceful and productive evening. Yay me!

And that, my friends, is the work of coaching. I was able to coach myself through this situation because of the coaching practice I’ve learned. If you find this work compelling and are interested in working with me to learn how to work through some of your own thinking, I have space for just a few more clients in my last free slots. Let me know if you want in!

How do you turn your thoughts around when you’re spiraling downward? What are your tips and tricks for changing negative thinking? Please share in the comments below!

And here’s the next Going Deeper class on Weight Loss – come through!

NOCOMMENTS

Blog, Inspirations, Mind Management

Knowing in A Time of Uncertainty

I’m writing to the moms today. If you’re able to stay with your babies at home or if they’re grown and independent, this may be less for you. But if not, let’s talk…

I was in the office seeing patients a few weeks ago, talking with each of them about what was going on in their lives as I usually do. That day I seemed to have quite a few teachers on my schedule, so naturally many of my conversations that day were about how the school system was planning for the fall semester. Because we homeschool, I hadn’t received the email that other parents in our county had, inquiring whether they’d prefer in-person or digital remote learning for their children. The teachers had differing takes on the topic – some were hoping that the system would plan on remote learning, and some were conflicted. But each of them was concerned for how they’d be able to keep their students safe, themselves safe, and what the plan would mean for their own children.

Old picture, but you get it…

In our own situation, we’ve been homeschooling for years. Since we both work, the way we’ve been able to achieve this is by hiring a full-time person to come into our home and follow the curriculum plan we’ve chosen. At first, this was our nanny. Now that the kids are school-age, it’s a teacher. You would think that this means that we’re all set for the fall – but we’re not.

For the past five years, we’ve been part of a homeschool program that meets on Mondays to do school together. It allows the kids to gather with their peers in class, for the parents to watch the work to be done that week explained by a more experienced “tutor” who leads the class and gives the homeschool families an opportunity to gather and socialize. It’s been a wonderful experience and the kids have learned SO much. But this year, our community group is planning to meet back in person without a mask mandate.

Now, this isn’t a small group of 5 students. Each class is around 8 students and there are classes from ages 5 to 14, not to mention the little kids and all the parents attending with their children. There also is a huge divide on the personal philosophy of mask usage, from those who aren’t social distancing or wearing masks to those who are following the CDC guidelines to the letter and beyond. Personally, I fall into the latter camp and I don’t think that even with all of the precautions that you can eliminate all risk of transmission of COVID-19. But if we’re going to gather, I think a mask mandate is the best way to go. But that’s not happening, at least not in our homeschool community.

So what are we going to do? We’re talking about it now. I don’t know which tutors will have my kids in class, so I don’t know whether they’ll be serious about honoring the way I want my kids protected. I can’t be there every week and I will need to rely on my teacher to keep the kids wearing their masks. And even though I will require my kids to wear masks, I can’t make the other parents protect my kids by having their own kids wear masks. If we decide not to go back to this group, what curriculum am I going to find for second, sixth, and eighth grade in the next few weeks? Our teacher is new to our family and hasn’t done this curriculum with the kids before. What if missing the community days means she is less well-equipped to help our kids with their schoolwork?

Just a few of our books for the year…

There are a lot of unknowns. And I have been discouraged and disappointed with the lack of unity in our homeschool group about what it means to protect each other. After I’ve been doing everything I possibly can to avoid bringing home coronavirus to my family from the hospital or my office, I cannot fathom how I will manage if my kids catch it at school! I spoke to a mom in our group yesterday who really wants to come back and whose kids love being in the group, but she has one child who is immunocompromised and without a mask mandate, she has decided that she can’t take the risk of returning. I feel like my family is at enough risk from my work and my possible exposures, so why should they be at additional risk at school with other families who won’t wear masks to protect them? And when the group does get together, it is entirely possible that the county schools will close, or the church we meet in will continue their mask mandate, or there will be a virus exposure and the community won’t be able to meet anyway.

The new normal at work…

It’s been hard to get here, but I have found a way to be calm and clear about our way forward. We’ve been through plenty of upheaval in the past couple of years with different teachers, going digital for school in the spring because of COVID, and trying to keep a homeschool running through a series of new teachers while still working in medicine during a pandemic. There are two things that I’ve figured out that keep me steady when I feel myself teetering on the edge of a cliff. One, I truly believe Romans 8:28 – “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” No matter what is coming, it has a purpose and it is for a reason in my life. Whatever the challenge or situation, I’m supposed to learn something, or it is growing an aspect of my character. It’s there for a reason, even if I don’t always understand it.

Two, it doesn’t matter what comes, because We. Will. Figure. It. Out. We always have. God moves and provides, and we find a way forward. As much as some days I’d like someone else to take the awesome responsibility for handling all this school stuff for the kids, no one is better equipped to make decisions about what’s best for them than me and their father. No one. There isn’t anyone else on the planet who has their best interests at heart the way we do. I detest this uncertainty and chaos – it makes me anxious. But in the end, we are together, we will take care of each other, and we will come through this challenge and many others together. And you will too!

How are you coping with the uncertainty of now? Please share in the comments below!

And here’s this week’s Weight Loss class – come through!

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